The Materialists: An Actors downfall…

30 05 2007

Warning:  Adult Language.  

Welcome to another edition to the materialists. In this episode Actor loses his cash, and is forced to live on the streets of LA. You see what goes around does come around in a world filled with greed, materialism and selfishness.

Actor walks down the street to buy himself a new European sportscar car and a five thousand dollar pair of pants to match his car. He comes across a homeless person on the way. The homeless person is sitting on the curb playing a guitar.

Actor:  (Saying to himself) I am the best actor in the world. I am so hot that no one can stop me. I have no classical training, they just hired me because I look beautiful  he, he, he!! I am so talented. (Telling Homeless person) What are you doing in my way homeless person?

Homeless Person: I am playing my guitar, and just enjoying the smug LA skyline.

Actor: Aren’t you going to ask me for change old man? Isn’t that what you homeless people do?

Homeless Person: Why would I want your money? Then I would have to pay it back and I don’t want to do that. There is too much debt in this country. Those who keep making the money keep making it, and those who keep losing it, keep losing it.

Actor: Pay me back? Do you know who I am?

Homeless Person: No, and I don’t care.

Actor: What do you mean you don’t care? I am a very important person. I get VIP treatment no matter where I go, because I am on the “A” list. I am an actor. I was a model, but got into film with my good looks and “talent”. (he, he, he, he)

Homeless Person: Whoopee do!!! You all have a story. You look like a rehab hero just waiting to happen.

Actor: I am going to take you out old man, there is no stopping me now.

Homeless Person: Why so aggressive and insecure? You are an action star aren’t you?

Actor: How did you know?

Homeless Person: You are stuck in the part, you actors are always playing the part. Your love lives, your causes. It is all a part. You only support causes because you “A” list actors all have money, and want the world to know you care and it makes you “feel” better. You actors go to poor countries, and then come back to your warm mansions filled with awards and other bullshit.  

Actor: What do you mean? I don’t give to any causes. You think I live in fantasy world don’t you?

Homeless Person: You said that, I didn’t.

Actor: I have been in three films–Jock Itch Zombies from Outer Space, Politicians make love to greed and power and then fart, and Greed Stricken Fool. I was the main character in all my films. (crying) I gave my best performance, I am a man.

Homeless Person: Sounds like they are real winners, you are just a slut to Hollywood’s money making machine. You don’t sound like an “A” list actor to me.

Actor: I am rich and you are poor that is the difference between us, and I am an “A” list actor. Good day.

Homeless Person: Be careful what you say, be careful how you treat people. Your little game with luck could run out, and it will with your attitude. The movie business is full of people like you, you come and go and then burn out.

Actor: I am going to leave now. I have a car to buy, and some clothes. You are mistaken I will always be an actor, and I will keep getting richer and you will keep getting poorer. (ha, ha, ha, he, he, he…..ha, ha!!)

Homeless Person: OK…well have a good day.

Actor: It looks like you could use a new pare of pants. No, wait you don’t have any money to buy a new pare of pants.

Homeless Person: I don’t need money. I am happy just the way that I am, at least I don’t need material things to make me happy.

Actor: I am going to kick your ass.

Homeless Person: Go ahead if it makes you feel better. Does it make you feel like a man, well does it? Then what, after you kick my ass you will go about your miserable life and I will be on street all broken up.

Actor: You are not worth it I am going. Here is a hundred dollar bill, don’t spend it all in one place.

Homeless Person: Don’t need it, but you might need it.

Actor: You can buy some booze, and get you and your friends drunk off their asses.

Homeless Person: I don’t drink.

Actor Throws the hundred dollar bill down on the pavement. Homeless person picks up the bill and gives it to a passer by, the passer by thanks him. Homeless person keeps playing his guitar. Actor walks into a European car dealership.

Sales Person: How can I help you?

Actor: I want a new car.

Sales Person: You came to the right place. I can give you any car that you want.

Actor: I want that one.

Sales Person: That is a very good choice. It is made just for rich freaks like you.

Actor: I will take it.

Sales Person: Will that be cash or charge?

Actor: Cash.

Sales Person: You made the right choice. What is your profession?

Actor: I am an actor.

Sales Person: You and me are in the same profession we both are in the profession of deceiving the public. You act, and I act. I don’t care about customers I am just an ass kisser for the money. I should have gone into the porn business. I am a fucking jerk.

Actor: You are so honest, so you are a slut to the system too. It is nice to know there are other sluts willing to do anything for a buck.

Sales Person: Can you get me a job acting? I am a damn good actor. I am so fake.

Actor: Give me a your card, and I will see what I can do. Hey, anything to help out a fellow actor and public slut.

Actor buys the car, and goes home. He gets home and calls his agent. His new movie deal falls through. He just bought a new home that is worth two million dollars.

Actor: Hey, agent!!! What’s up?

Entertainment Agent: Not much, I am sorry but, you got rejected for your current movie deal. They found someone that is more fresh, new and inviting.

Actor: You said that I am the man. You said I am the next big thing in Hollywood.

Entertainment Agent: Yeah, but I could be wrong, and I am from time to time.

Actor: I just bought a house based on the assumption that I was going to get the part.

Entertainment Agent: Yeah…I well see what I can do.  There are no promises, just make sure that you keep paying me and I will do “my best for you”. I am like insurance companies I don’t like to help you, but I want my money. You owe me three thousand plus tip.

Actor: OK, you fucking asshole.

Six months later actor is still without work. He is forced to sell his house. He has developed a drug habit, and has no where to go. He lives at friends houses, and develops a huge debt. Then he is at his end, and is forced to live on the street.

Actor: Change do you have any change? I am hungery and sick!!! Please. Please.

People keep passing by an no one seems to care. Then one day Actor comes across homeless person.

Actor: Homeless person!! Homless person!! How are you?

Homeless Person: What is this I see? Actor is that you? What is this you look poor and homeless.

Actor: Yeah…so?

Homeless Person: What goes around comes around.

Homeless person keeps playing his guitar, and actor walks away crying and sobbing.

FIN

This is grus saying be careful what you say, because what goes around comes around.





Love found, love lost…

27 05 2007

Warning: Adult theme. Adult Language.

He broke up with me again and for the last time, she cried over the phone. What was I to say? I was at a loss for words. Maybe she didn’t want words, maybe she just needed a living breathing person to be on the other end listening to her dilemma. Breaking up is not an easy thing to do, not after six years together. It seemed like an eternity to her, she explained.

They had no kids just a couple of dogs and a cat.  She wanted kids and he wanted his freedom– he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.  The dogs went with him and the cat stayed. Cats have a sixth sense when it comes to EVIL. He truly is an EVIL person, because the cat never liked him it just ran and hid under the furniture when he entered the room. I believe at birth everyone has a chance to be good. I mean everyone has good intentions at some point in their development, then something happens and they become EVIL. Then sometimes late at night when I am under the covers in my bed, I think about EVIL. Then I change my mind,  there are people that are just born EVIL.

Her ex-boyfriend did nothing but cause her pain. He was filled with immaturity, insecurity, anger, and infidelity. He should have been sterilized years ago. The reason why I say that is he went off and fornicated with another woman that happened to not be using birth control.  He was too selfish to wear a condom.   I guess she was ovulating, because they have a new human on the way, something that he never wanted.   Well, who cares what I think. We are all forced to live in this world with the deck of cards to which we are dealt.  Well, on the other hand there is a little what goes around comes around karma mixed in the cosmic pool as well.

She came by around six in the evening. I was just about to feed my dog, when  I heard a knock at the door. It was her. She was all teary and sobbing, some people can’t take breakups, some people can’t deal with being alone after living with someone for many years. My friend is one of those hopeless romantics that can’t be without love. Love… such an abstract concept, a glorified product of human society.

What did I do wrong,  she cried? Why did he dump me, and then fuck someone else? He probably has been doing it for years, I said. You know, you are right he probably has, she said. It is not your fault that the bastard left you. He probably got a wild hair up his stinky ass and felt it was time to move on to greener pastures.

Are you my friend? Yes, of course I am your friend. You are supposed to sympathize with me, she cried. I am a fatalist, but there are reasons why he left you. You should take it as another chapter in your life and close it. Hey, just be glad you didn’t get a love disease from him. You didn’t did you? No, all my tests came out negative. Well, see you got off light. The only baggage you have is emotional. You are real blunt, she said. I have to be, there is no other way.

He got his, his fucking caught up to him. What goes around comes around that is what I always say. You are right, she said. You are absolutely right. You are better off without him anyway. You might want to stay single for a while, I said. Single is such an oppressive word, she explained. It means freedom for you. You can play the field or just go single. It is up to you.

We were together for six years. I am just trying to get it through my mind that he has gone and off with her. I wanted children he didn’t, then he goes and has an offspring with a twenty three year old woman, a woman that is half his age. He is going through a mid-life crisis, I said. Hell, a rash of actors have been going through this quite regularly. Mr. Mission Impossible look at him. Yeah, I know what you mean.

We sat down and talked for a while. Then her Ceil phone rang. It was him… Mr. asshole. He was drunk of course and crying tears of selfishness. His new love interest left him, she couldn’t put with him. My friend held her ground, the only problem. She told him where she was, now we have a problem. He is enroute to my place. I pulled out my Ceil phone and programed nine one one into the speed dial. When this guy is drinking he’s an asshole times ten to the power of ten.

He is coming over to talk it out with me. He promised he would be nice to you. Why did you do that? I still love him. Do what you want, I said. Things are never going to change with him. We will go somewhere else, so you don’t have to see him. He is drunk do you think that I want you getting in the car with him? No. He can’t come in, but you can talk on the porch, I explained. If he raises his voice I am dialing nine one one. This is a violent free zone. OK, we will talk out front.

Ten minutes past and he drove up in his SUV. He banged on the front door. I answered it. He didn’t say a word to me. He was always goofy around me anyway. He had been crying. I am OK with men crying, but his tears were not for sorrow they were because he lost. That is the problem with many men, they cry because they didn’t get their way, and then everyone feels sorry for them. I want you to know…I don’t feel sorry for him.

 They talked for a while. He started getting mad. He started yelling, just like I thought he would, once an asshole always an asshole. The whole world is filled with them. I calmly opened the door and told him to leave. That just pissed him off even more. You, see the only reason my friend asked him to come over is to dump him even more, and to get her dogs back. She didn’t tell me what her intentions were, I guess she just wanted to surprise me. I don’t know what she told him, but he was pretty mad.

Would you please go home, I said. This is none of your business, he yelled. It is my business when you come over to my home and yell at my friend. You two have been fucking behind my back, he screamed. No, I said she is my friend and that is all. You are one to talk? You know I have had it with you two, he cried. I mean he really started crying. He even sobbed, he got into his SUV and drove away into the night.

But, before he drove away. My friend ran to his SUV and got the dogs out. He didn’t fight her. He drove away yelling expletives once again showing his true colors. We put the dogs in the back yard, and we talked for hours. The sun was coming up, and we both were tired. It is time for me to go home, she said. OK, I said. It has been a rough night. Yes, it has.

I helped her get the dogs into the car, and she drove away. I was alone once again. I could hear my thoughts once again. I could sit in my kitchen and drink coffee from my own cup, without drama.  After I got home from work I checked my messages There was  a message from my friend. Message: I want to thank you for getting me through last night. I know you are not phased by love, or will never be.  But I just want you to know that we will always be friends. I am naked stareing at the mirror looking at myself. I am a beautiful woman, and I love what I am seeing. I am whole again. I am without worry. I am free to be me, and not someone else. Thank you.

FIN.  





Gray’s Colostomy: The Corn Cob

23 05 2007

Characters in this Episode:

Doctor Meredeath Gloom
Doctor Crusty “Confused” Yank
Doctor Dork Smartass
Doctor Asslex Crass
Doctor Isa-stuck-up
Poor Person
Politician Man

Dork Smartass: I hear we have a real important patient that was just wheeled into the emergency room. He is a politician, and he can bring me fame and fortune.  He makes every lie sound like the truth. Hey, he never has known what it is like to be poor, so he will give us rich freaks tax breaks. His insurance is the best, and he can afford the works. I want to give him room service and a butler with every meal, and his wife will have limo service to and from the hospital (he, he, he, he)!! She will also be staying in one of our finest guest suites with one thousand TV channels, a wet bar, and a walk in shower made with only the finest marble.

Asslex Crass: I am going to examine him he is not your patient he is mine. How does my hair look? I hope I have nothing in my teeth. He is going to further my career by making me surgeon general. He, he, he, he!! I am the most evil doctor in the world full of lies and deceit.

Dork Smartass: You have a pubic hair stuck in your front tooth. Have you been relieving your tension, and not doing your job again?

Asslex Crass: Yes, how did you know? I love relieving my tension with doctor stuck-up. She knows how to pleasure me if you know what I mean. Hey, all doctor Stuck-up and I do is fight. That gives the show good ratings, and more advertising revenue, it is all about the commercials and the money.

Isa-stuck-up: Doctor Crass come back to bed honey. I need a good loving.

Asslex Crass: Not now I am working.

Isa-stuck-up: I thought you loved me. I thought we were going to be together forever. Hey, since when have you let work get in the way of our love.

Isa-stuck-up: Fine, you leave me for your work you bastard.

Asslex Crass: (crying) My patient is a rich man, and it is all about the money honey. He is going to make me the most powerful doctor in the world.

Crusty Yank: Hurry doctor Crass and Smartass politician man is having trouble blowing farts out of his butt. There is no time, he ate a big plate of beans on the campaign trial. He is really hurting, Doctor gloom is looking at him. She is giving him an ass MRI, because he can afford it.

Asslex Crass: You better lead me to him. I am the doctor to heal his pain, and not Doctor Gloom. (crying) I want to heal his ass, and have all of my dreams fulfilled.

Dork Smartass: I told you about him first, he is my patient. He is going to give me a fifty thousand dollar tip, plus I will be seen on TV as the Doctor that saved politician man’s clogged corn cob ass.

Asslex Crass: What is his status doctor Gloom?

Meredeath Gloom: He thinks he is better than everyone, and is so smug that he has a corn cob up his ass. There is no hope for him we are going to have to operate. It may already be too late.

Crusty Yank: He has a corn cob up his ass? Oh, my!!

Dork Smartass: No, it is a frame of speech he doesn’t have a corn cob up his ass.

Meredeath Gloom: Yes…he does. It is almost a lump of coal.

Doctor gloom begins that operation, but not before poor man enters the operating room.

Poor Person: I think that guy is just filled with a bunch of hot air. Hot air I tell you!!!

Dork Smartass: I told you to go home poor person, your insurance will not cover your medical needs. No money, no service, that is the private medicine way he, he, he, he, he!!!

Meredeaath Gloom: He, he, he, he, he, he!!! Woo, ha, ha!!

Poor Person: I have cancer, and all you doctors care about is politician man.  He is clearly in no danger, all he needs is compassion, a heart, common sense, and a personality re-assignment and he will be as good as new.

Dork Smartass: What do you know about politicians? You are just a poor minimum wage earning person.

Poor person: I know a lot more than you do.

Asslex Crass: He told you to go home, and I am telling you there is nothing that I can do for you either. Politician man has insurance and plenty of money to burn, and you don’t.

Poor Person: So, this is it. I am going home to suffer, and put my family through another round of pain.

Meredeath Gloom: That’s what it looks like bye-bye, poor person!!!

Asslex Crass: I am going to call security!!

Poor Person: I am leaving! I am leaving!

Asslex Crass: good, and don’t let the door smack your ass on the way out.

Chessy intense music plays in the background while the doctors remove politician man’s corn cob from his ass.

Meredeath Gloom: I almost have the corn cob. I can see it. I can see it. I almost have it.

Dork Smartass: I want to remove it. I want to remove it. He told me that he would give me a fifty thousand dollar tip.

Asslex Crass: I want to remove it. I want to remove it. He is going to bring me fortune and fame. FAME!! I TELL YOU!!

Crusty Yank: Here let me remove it. You all are acting like brats.

Crusty Yank removes the corn cob. The room starts getting really hot, and smelly.

Asslex Crass: His ass is working properly. It is real hot in here?

Meredeath Gloom: When Crusty Yank pulled out the corn cob, it released all the pressure. The hot air that politician man had built up was released. Damn his ass is hot, and it stinks.

Politican Man: What happened. (poooooooooooooooooooooo! ooooo! ooooo!) I can fart again. I can fart again. My ass is free. My ass is free.

Meredeath Gloom: Yes, politician man. I installed a fart filter and pressure valve in your butt. When the hot air builds the air is slowly released, but first it goes through a filter making the hot air smell like a bed of roses.

Poltician Man: Thank you doctor Gloom. If I am elected I will be sure to give the rich tax breaks, so all of you can buy another house and a car.  

Asslex Crass:  He can fart again.

Dork Smartass: Yes, his ass is alive. It is alive. He, he, he, he, he, he!!! Wooooo, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

Crusty Yank: What?

Thanks to the staff of fine self-centered doctors Politician man can fart again, and continue his campaign full of hot air lies. Mean while poor person who needs the treatment is out on the street suffering.

FIN





In the beginning…

19 05 2007

In the beginning we are all whole.
In the beginning we know nothing of society and it’s vile influence.
In the beginning our minds are free of bias, prejudice, hatred, and rage.
In the beginning we are all drenced with innocence and a clean slate.
In the beginning we all have a chance.  

Then something happens and some of us lose our way.
Then some of us fall prey to those who falsely accept us to perpetuate their evil plan to exploit humanity.
Then some of us begin living a lie, where truth is a lost and lies infest what was.
Then some of us blame society, blame those around us for all our problems.
Then there is no such thing as a clean slate, there is no such thing as a way out, there is no such thing as accountability.

Stay true, stay right, oppression, hate, and discrimination is not the answer. The answer is peace, the answer is tolerance. Peace. Grus.





Friends, no lovers, no wait friends…

18 05 2007

WARNING Disclaimer:  This is a serious story and does not contain satire. This story contains an adult theme and content, and readers must be twenty one years or older to read.  Now on with the story.

When arriving home late one evening from work, he wondered what it would be like to see her naked and to kiss her lips. He often thought of her as just a friend. They spent many hours talking and going to movies, but nothing that would constitute a monogamous relationship between them.

He walked into the kitchen and saw the answering machine light blinking.  She had left a message — when you get this message please call me, her message said. His first thought was that something was wrong. Her voice seemed sad and distant. She had said that she had gone through a bout of depression recently.

He quickly dialed her number. She answered the phone after the first ring. It was like she had been waiting for his call. He could hear the sound of music in the background. I want you to come over, she said softly. I have been thinking about you all day she whispered. Why he said, I thought we were no more than just friends. Yes, I want to talk to you, please don’t argue with me. I will get my stuff together and be over in a few minutes, he said.

He drove downtown there was a soft rain falling from the sky, and the streets were all wet. There were people and cars everywhere it was a typical night in the city. He parked his car in front of her apartment building, and got out. He could smell the fresh evening air mixed with the nasty smog of the city.  He decided to walk down the street to the corner store and pick up some flowers, and a good bottle of wine before ringing her doorbell.

He walked in the store and purchased his items and then made his way back to her place. He knocked on the door and she welcomed him inside. She looked different she had done something with her hair, and the clothes she was wearing made him take a second look. Wow, you really look nice, he said. What is the occasion, he asked. I just thought I would wear something different tonight. Well, anyway I brought you some wine and flowers, he said.

Here let me put these in a vase they are nice I do like daisy’s they are a sign of friendship, and how about we open this fine bottle of wine you bought and have a glass or two on the roof, she said. The vase with your flowers can be our center piece as we relax on the roof.  OK, he said. They climbed the stairs of her apartment building to the roof and sat down some old lawn chairs, and she placed the vase on the center table between them. They stared into the night sky, saying nothing. There were jets dotting up the skyline, and the sound of city gave them an excellent excuse to avoid the inevitable–a relationship that was just about to escalate from friendship to love… physical love.

I like you, she said. I like you too, he said. What I am trying to say is that I love you at another level, she whispered. I don’t know what to say, he said. You don’t have to say anything. We are friends and taking this relationship to another level means we can never return to what we are now. Yes, I know, she said. That is my greatest fear. If we don’t work out as lovers then we can never be friends. Yes, I know, she said.

I have to be honest with you, he said.  I have been fantasizing about you for days. I know that is a foolish thing to say. No, it isn’t, she said. I have my fantasies about you too. There is nothing wrong with fantasy, it is taking fantasies to the real world that can be dangerous.

You have been fantasizing about me? What do you want to know all men have questions. I don’t know? Do you shave your pubic hair? Are your breasts natural? How do you like to be touched during lovemaking? How do you like to be kissed? You are a dirty man? Am I , and I am sorry?

You men, always wondering about the physical aspects of woman. To answer your questions, personal questions I might add.  I don’t shave my pubic hair. I do shave my legs and arm pits. I am not one of those “nature” women. I have some yearning to be a modern women with modern beauty.  I am not like those who shave all their pubic hair off just to be “accepted” by society, and their partners. I refuse to be part of some mans fantasy for a one night stand by shaving off my pubic hair.  My breasts are all natural, they are not too big or not too small they are just right.

Hey, if I am with someone that doesn’t like my breasts than they are not for me.  I love long foreplay before sex. I love to be touched and caressed while being made love to, that is what brings me to orgasm. It’s not all about the orgasm anyway, it is what happens before the orgasm.

I am sorry, I didn’t mean to ask you these questions, he said. You men need to get this through your sex saturated heads, it is not about the physical aspect of sex it is the emotional aspect of sex. It all begins in the mind, before it reaches the heart, before it reaches the lower part of the body down south. Yes, I know but it feels so good, he said. I love it without a condom. That is another thing about you men, you always have an excuse why you don’t want to use a condom. I heard them all, she said.

Do you use birth control, he asked. I use birth control, she said. But I prefer to use a condom the first few times until I get to know my lover. You can never be too sure in this day and age. Hey, if I had it my way I would abstain from sex all together, but I love it too much, she said.  There are diseases that can be deadly, and you can pack them around with you like an old suitcase that never goes away.

Where do we go from here, he said. There is no where to go. We have many choices of what to do from here. We can jump in the shower, but I have no hot water. We can jump into bed, but I don’t want to fool our friendship and I am on my period. I don’t want to stain my sheets. I know what we can do? What is that, he said. We can just sit here and take one day at a time. The night sky is so beautiful, and we are the best of friends.

We are in our twenties we both want to have love and be loved, she said. I want you so much she whispered. It seems the time is not right, he said. Besides we are just friends and we have lost nothing. I think I will have another glass of wine. Me too she whispered, me too.

Remember it is best to be friends first, it works out better that way. Sex is a very serious thing, and there are consequences involved with it. There is no reason to jump into it. This is grus saying be safe.  

FIN…





Gray’s Colostomy: The Boil

8 05 2007

Characters in this episode:

Doctor Meredeath Gloom
Doctor Crusty “Confused” Yank
Doctor Dork Smartass
Docotor Asslex Crass

Meredeath Gloom: We are losing the patient.

Dork Smartass: I know. How do you expect me to fix this patient in an hour, besides I need some loving. I mean we only have thirty minutes per episode to do anything, that is hardly enough time to do a heart transplant. The other thirty minutes is for commercials. I heard we are being sponsored by some diet pill tonight, and some get rich at home scam.  Does my hair look OK?

Meredeath Gloom: Yes, your hair looks fine, if I were you I would add blond highlight’s, and get a personality reassignment.

Dork Smartass: What do you mean blond highlight’s? I thought my hair was fine until you ruined my glory. You crushed my ego. I thought I was the most beautiful doctor at this hospital. I need to go see a counselor now.

Meredeath Gloom: You asked me. I told you the truth, oh so we are not talking now…fine.

Dork Smartass: I never tell you about your nasty smelling breath,  and those nasty diet pill induced farts that you blow off in bed every night after we have sex. Your farts linger for hours after you blow them off, they are so bad that even a fly would gag if exposed to them.

Meredeath Gloow: I don’t care anymore, you do what you want. You can count me out of this love affair.

Dork Smartass: (crying)  Come on, I am sorry I didn’t mean to make you mad. I have an ego problem, and I just can’t take anyone saying that I need blond highlight’s in my hair. Can we still be sex friends?

Meredeath Gloom: (crying)  Of course we can. I love you!

Crusty yank comes running in there is an emergency. One of the patients is having a cardiac arrest due to his bill.

Crusty Yank: I am sorry to break up this love moment, but we have an emergency in the emergency room. Some guy is having a cardiac arrest due to his bill.

Dork Smartass: What is his name?

Crusty Yank: Bill Flanders.

Dork Smartass: Oh, I know him I told him that I am raising my rates, because I need a new European sports car and a big house by the lake. What is he in for?

Crusty Yank: He is in for an ass boil. It is the biggest ass boil I have ever seen.  I told him that I couldn’t operate on him, because his insurance only covers the part where I say ‘this isn’t going to hurt Mr Flanders’. Then he went into cardiac arrest after I told him it would cost him three thousand dollars.

Meredeath Gloom: You lance his boil anyway, you never tell the patient that their insurance doesn’t cover certain things you just do the operation and send the bill in the mail case closed.

Dork Smartass: Yeah, Crusty Yank. You still have a lot to learn about this business.

Crusty Yank: But, I thought we were in this business to heal and not make money. I mean, I, I um. I don’t know anymore.

Meredeath Gloom: It is all about the money, and I want you to get that in your head. Now, who is working on Mr. Flanders ass?

Crusty Yank: Dr. Crass. He is trying to revive Mr Flanders.

Dork Smartass: Don’t just stand around crusty yank, go tell Mr. Flanders that there was a mistake in his bill. Tell him it is only thirty dollars and not three thousand dollars like our suggested retail price is, hurry you don’t have a moment to lose. Time is money.

Crusty Yank: Yes, Doctor Smartass.

Crusty yank runs to the emergancy room.

Dork  Smartass: Now where were we, hey I need some makeup sex. Let’s go into the closet and drop our pants for some quick loving. I need some sugar.

Meredeath Gloom: OK, I love you so much, but what about your patient? Poooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, sssssss, sssssss! Oh, excuse me. Damn diet pills.

Dork Smartass: You are excused, and my patient he can wait. His insurance doesn’t cover the operation. Hey, he is not a movie star or anyone that is important. Hell, if he was important I would be operating on him right now, and then I would ask him for a tip.  Damn I am vain.

They close the closet door– moaning can be heard.

Mean while in the emergency room.

Crusty Yank: Tell Mr. Flanders that his bill is only thirty dollars Dr. Crass. You tell him now.

Asslex Crass: What and lie, I can’t lie that would be against the ethics of my profession.

Crusty Yank: Doctor Crass you lie all the time, why is this time any different? You are worse than a used car salesman. 

Asslex Crass: Have you seen Mr. Flanders ass? Look at the size of that boil, that is biggest boil I have ever seen. Mr. Flanders we made a mistake on your bill it is only thirty dollars instead of the three thousand like Dr. Yank told you.

Mr. Flanders: Thank you for telling me Doctor crass. My ass hurts real bad, I can’t even sit down. I think it is caused by a damn ingrown hair. I get them all the time.

Crusty Yank: He is coming back, his signs are back to normal.

Asslex Crass: I know, aren’t I the man. I am the man.

Crusty Yank: That didn’t take much skill to tell the man that his bill was going to be lower.

Asslex Crass: Yes, it did crusty Yank. Look, I am a man of power, and I didn’t go into medicine to heal. I went into it to make money and get chicks, and if I say that I am the man then I am the man you got that.

Crusty Yank: Well, what about his ass? We can’t operate on him his insurance won’t pay for me to lance it. It only covers the part where we say ‘it won’t hurt’.

Asslex Crass: Here let’s do him a favor, just pop it like a pimple, and send him on his way.

Bill Flanders: My ass is hurting can’t you just pop it. It is stinging, and it is so uncomfortable.

Asslex Crass: Mr. Flanders Crusty Yank is going to pop your boil. It is your lucky day.

Crusty Yank: I am going to? I thought you were the surgeon?

Asslex Crass: I don’t help people that don’t have proper insurance, he is not a movie star or someone that is important. I need fame and fortune.

Crusty Yank: What? What the fuck?

Asslex Crass: I am an egotist, and as I told you I am only in it for the money. You pop it, have a nice day Doctor Yank.

Bill Flanders: Crusty Yank will I ever sit again?

Crusty Yank: You will I can promise you.

Intense cheesy music plays, and sweat drips from Crusty Yanks Forehead.

Cursty Yank: Here goes nothing, I am going to pop it now.

The Boil: No, I need to live. I need to live.

Pop…the boil pops and puss drips from the wound.

Bill Flanders: Ouch!! Damn that hurts, but my ass already feels great oh yes.

Crusty Yank: I think you will be much better.  I saved your ass Mr Flanders. You will be able to sit again.

Bill Flanders: It is a miracle.

Dork Smartass runs in and reprimands Crusty Yank.

Dork Smartass: You popped Mr. Flanders ass boil without proper insurance. That is an illegal move on your part. You know we are in it for the money, and power.

Crusty Yank: He was in pain. Did you want to send him home without treatment?

Dork Smartass: Yes, he didn’t have proper insurance. He is not a movie star or someone that is important. I need the fame and fortune.

Meredeath Gloom: Where did you go? Come back to bed.

Dork Smartass: OK…I want you so bad.

Crusty Yank: What is wrong with this place?

Meredeath Gloom: Nothing Doctor Yank. You are the one with the problem.

Dork Smartass: Yes…you are the one with the problem. he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he!!

Crusty Yank: What?

The End…





Relationship reality: Friends before lovers = masturbation! (Not a satire! Adult, you must be 21 years or older to read)

2 05 2007

In the beginning a relationship between two adults is fine and lovely. The sex is great, and you often have it everyday, or at least every time that you see one another. Then one day something goes wrong, and all it all goes away– well the physical component of the relationship anyway. Then you look at the other person, and ask yourself do I know you? You then realize that you have nothing in common with the other person, because the relationship was all based on sex.

That is where friendship comes in, you must be friends before lovers. If you are not friends before you are lovers then you and your significant will see your relationship go into a downward spiral. Then you can’t be friends anymore.

If you become friends sex is often put on the back burner because of daily life. Hey, the orgasms are still excellent and the sex is still great but you have less of it as you and your significant other build a lifetime together. I am not saying the physical element will go away, but be prepared. Friendship involves respect, and one must respect their significant other if they are not in the “mood”.

This is where masturbation makes it’s exclusive debut even though you have been masturbating for years, because one member of the relationship is often hornier than the other.You jump into the shower and get your rocks off, or take your clothes off when you are alone at home and celebrate your sexuality by having mono–sex with yourself in front of the mirror or on the living room floor.  

Hey, masturbation never hurt anyone, you get to have an orgasm and the horny feelings go away for a little while anyway. Then when it comes time to have stereo sex with your significant other it is great and well worth the wait.

This is Grus saying: be friends before lovers it works out better that way.