Gray’s Colostomy: Can’t Stop the farting.

Characters in this episode:

Doctor Meredeath Gloom
Doctor Crusty “Confused” Yank
Doctor Dork Smartass
Doctor Asslex Crass
Doctor Isa-stuck-up
Anthon the great
Diane the all knowing
Poor man.
Homeless women.

Welcome to another episode of Gray’s Colostomy. In this episode our hard working doctors are faced with a dilemma. A rich freak named Anthon the great comes in with gas, and he can’t stop farting. Will he be cured or face a life of gas.  They treat him because he is a rich freak, and has the best insurance known to humanity. Meanwhile there are patients who have no insurance with real medical problems that are turned away. Well, on with the show.

Meredeath Gloom: We have more homeless people in the emergency room. I don’t know why they come here do they think this is social medicine?

Asslex Crass: Kick them out or better yet have the paramedics take them to some bad part of town and drop them off. They have no insurance, and I am a rich and power prissy doctor. I have an image to keep. I only treat people that have status and can further my career.

Meredeath Gloom: I have to agree with you. We rich freaks have all the money ( he, he, he, he…woo, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha)!! Money, money, give me more money. I want it so bad. I have been ripping patients off for ten years, and I twenty million dollars and I WANT MORE!!!!!!!!!!!

Dork Smartass: Are you talking about money my love pure green money. When we get home Meredeath I am going to lay you down in a huge bath tub full of money. I am so damn rich! I am such a bad ass.

Asslex Crass: Why don’t you two get a damn room.  I am still trying to make up with Isa-stuck-up. She hates me, because I am so beautiful.

Dork Smartass: Shut up Asslex. You are such a poor me bastard. Get over yourself.

Asslex Crass: I will never get over myself. I am just like everyone else in society, all I care about is me.  I am such a gift to medicine, women, and the world. I became a doctor for the one thing and one thing only for the  fame and fortune.

Meredeath Gloom:  Everyone just ignore Doctor Crass he has ego problems. Give me some sugar Dork Smartass. I want your golden rod of lust tonight in that big bath tub full of money. Then when we get out we can use some of that money to start a romantic fire. I need it so bad.

Dork Smartass: That you shall have my love. That you shall have. I am just the man to give it to you.  You are so hot. I love the way that you talk about my golden rod of lust and my cash.

Crusty Yank: Doctor Smartass!!!  Anthon the great has just entered the emergency room.  We need to give him the best treatment we can; he is so damn rich.

Meredeath Gloom: What is wrong with him? Give me his stats ASAP.

Crusty Yank: He is farting uncontrollably. He is blowing one ass blaster after another; the emergency room smells like shit. We are all wearing our Bio hazard suits. Where am I? Who am I? No one loves me. I need love. No, wait I want a career without love and passion. I need a good vibrator.

Meredeath Gloom: Get a hold of yourself Crusty Yank, you will find love. I know Anthon the great’s status is critical. Help me suit up. We need to be very careful Anthon’s ass may reach critical mass. 

Asslex Crass: If I treat Anthon he will give me a million dollars, and I will be the most powerful doctor in this hospital. Hold on a second…I already have a million dollars. I want a bllion dollars. That is not too much to ask for, I mean I am the greatest doctor in the world. I am going to suit up.

 All the doctors run to the emergency room to help Anthon the great, not in the name a compassion, but in the name of greed. He has filled the room up with ass gas. 

Asslex Crass: Hello Anthon the great. What is the problem? 

Anthon the great: I went to a middle class home, because I was doing a charity case. I wanted them to think that I really cared, and I ate some beans. Then my wife and I got no!!!! pooooooo oooooooooooo!!!!! We got in the car, and I just started farting. My wife throw up in the processs…no…no…POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!! I just pooped my pants. 

Asslex Crass: Get Mr. Great some diapers stat. 

Anthon the Great: I will give you a billion dollars if you heal my ass. What is your name? 

Asslex Crass: Asslex. You can call me doctor Crass.

Meredeath Gloom: He is mine Doctor Crass. I am the one to heal his “issue”. I know more than you do… 

Asslex Crass: I know more that you. I am all knowing and powerful.

Homeless woman: Doctor I have a sharp pain in my left side can you help?

Asslex Crass: Do you have insurance? 

Homeless woman: No. But, I do need help. 

Meredeath Gloom: Get her out of here. Paramedics!!! Take her to the worse part of town, and drop her off, so she will get lost in the cracks of society forever and ever. Oh, and here is a thousand dollars for your trouble. The hospital will thank you for it.   

Paramedic 1: Yes, doctor Gloom. I love money, oh sweet money. (He cries and kisses it)

Homeless Woman: NO! NO! Please. I am dieing. 

They take homeless women away into an awaiting Ambulance. 

Asslex Crass: Whatever.

Poor Man: I have a pain all over my body. Please don’t do what you did to her.  I fear that I am very sick.

Asslex Crass: Can’t you see that we are treating Anthon. His ass is in deep pain. We must get the farting stopped. His ass might reach critical mass.  

Dork Smartass: Security take poor man away. Get him a pack of breath freshener gum out of the machine down the hall and charge him three hundred dollars for it, and then send him on his way.

Security Guard: Yes, Doctor Smartass.

Crusty Yank: His wife is in the waiting room. She can tell us what happened. Why were they dragging that woman away? 

Meredeath Gloom: She didn’t have insurance. They are dropping her off in the bad part of town. Don’t worry about it. We are going to charge her for the Ambulance ride three thousand dollars. She can’t pay it but we want to get her in debt, we want her to feel that she owes us something (he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he).  

Crusty Yank: I am confused. Aren’t we supposed to help people? 

Asslex Crass: We only help people if the price is right Crusty Yank. Anthon the great is our priority. You either play the game or get a new job. You are not a team player.

They walk to the waiting room where Anthon’s wife Diane the all knowing waits on the status of her husband. 

Diane the a knowing: Is my husband going to be ok? Please tell me doctor!!

Asslex Crass: Your husbands status is serious. We can’t stop the farting. There is one thing that I want you to know your husbands ass might reach critical mass.

Diane the all knowing: No, not critical mass. I need him to help me take over the world.

Meredeath Gloom: Please tell us what happened to your husband?  

Diane the all knowing: We where at this middle class house it was a real dumb house. It was all small, what a dump. He ate a plate of beans and some cabbage. I told him not to eat the food, but he did anyway. We rich people want everyone to think that we care. Hell, I will never know what it is like to not know where my next meal is coming from, or how I am going to pay the bills. Well, to make this story short he started farting uncontrollably and I barfed. That is when I rushed him to the hospital.

Meredeath Gloom: We are going to have to put a butt plug in, that is the only thing that we can do. Doctor Smartass will be your surgeon today. However, you will have to pay a ten thousand dollar tip.

Asslex Crass: I am going to do the operation. Me, I am the man for the job. I want the fame and fortune.

Diane the all knowing:  Do it. I just want the farting to stop. He has already burned a big hole in his undershorts.

Asslex Crass: Yes, I know.

Meredeath Gloom: We can’t put in a butt plug. That will surely cause his ass to go critical mass. The gas needs to be expelled from his rich freak ass slowly and naturally like the brisk sweet morning air.

Asslex Crass: There is no time for this, his butt may already be near critical mass.

Hosptial Manager: What is that nasty smell? It smells like SHIT!!!

Meredeath Gloom: It is one of our patients he is farting uncontrollably. His name is Anthon the great.

Hospital Manager: Anthon the great in my hospital. Make sure that his wife gets the upstairs town house and limo service to and from the hospital. Let me know when he stops farting, I want to meet him.

Asslex Crass: We need to insert a butt plug.

Dork Smartass: You have it all wrong we need to put him in the defart machine. He can afford it. It takes the fart away and makes the world a safer place.

Diane the all knowing: My husband is farting worse would you doctors please make up your minds. I need to rule the world and I can’t do it without his money.

Asslex Crass: OK. I am in agreement, but I get twenty percent of the tip. Let’s put him in the defart machine. That is my final diagnosis. Oh, the humanity.

They put Anthon the great in the fart machine. It is filmed in slow motion.  There is some intense Cheesy music playing in the background. The words to the song: I can’t stop the farting. I can’t stop the gas. My butt is near critical mass. My butt smells like beans and cabbage. There is no stopping me. There is no stopping me. I have never farted in my life. My life. My life.  The song repeats itself serveral times. Sweat is running down the doctors face. Then it is over. They walk out to the waiting room where is Diane the all knowing is waiting.  

Diane the all knowing: How is he?

Meredeath Gloom: He is resting the farting has stopped.

Asslex Crass: Diane the all knowing he will be ok!! The defart machine has stopped his assblasters.

Diane the all knowing: How can I stop this from happening again?

Meredeath Gloom: He needs to be on a fish egg and three hundred dollar bottled water diet.  He needs to stay away from common people’s food. He is a rich freak and he should eat like one.

Asslex Crass: It looks like he will be fine.

Meredeath Gloom: We did it again, another rich freak is safe. It seems that farts can infect even the rich. But, there is one thing about the rich— money can buy anything even health. If you are a rich freak like me and all the doctors on this show, and start farting  uncontrollably there is help for you. Rich people with gas is a very emotional moment.

Crusty Yank: ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dork Smartass: Give me some lovin Dr. Gloom (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha)!!

Asslex Crass: Damn gas!!! (pooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo) Excuse me.

FIN