Gray’s Colostomy: A Lustful dirty Holiday evening…yeah right.

29 12 2007

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. ADULT THEME.  ADULT LANGUAGE.  

Meredeath Gloom: Oh, Dork I love you so.

 
Dork Smartass: Oh, Meredeath I love you too. (kiss…kiss)

 Meredeath Gloom:
I am going to get you into bed tonight and we will love each other until the morning light.
 
Dork Smartass: We are going to have some fun by the firelight…so let’s not fight.

Meredeath Gloom: Who says we are going fight?!
 
Dork Smartass: Not…I!
 
Meredeath Gloom: You can forget Crusty Yank, and that damn Asslex Crass, because tonight you are going to do me with class.
 
Dork Smartass: Hey, I might even get your ass!
 
Meredeath Gloom: Don’t count on it…that offer is null and void.
 
Dork Smartass: Damn, I thought I would get lucky.
 
Meredeath Gloom: I have a present for you.
 
Dork Smartass: Oh, you do? Well, let me open it.  (opens his present) What is the this?
 
Meredeath Gloom: It is a chastity belt…for you to wear at the hospital with care.
 
Dork Smartass: A Chasity belt what for…I have always been true to you.
 
Meredeath Gloom: I have the password right here…to the remote controlled lock on the belt. You will wear it all the time.  Your cock is mine…you bastard.
 
Dork Smartass:
Password…remote controlled lock…are you mad?
 
Meredeath Gloom: No, I am not mad? Don’t you remember Mandy and Sandy and Beth! I am going to get you farting college women…if it is the last thing that I do.
 
Dork Smartass: Oh, Meredeath forget about the farting college women…Mandy is part of my past.
 
Meredeath Gloom: She better stay a part of your past, or I will surely kick your ass.
 
Dork Smartass: My ass…that might be fun!
 
Meredeath Gloom: Here let me pour you some eggnog. It will lift your  holiday spirits.
 
Dork Smartass: This is some good eggnog…so rich and creamy.
 
Meredeath Gloom: Yes, it is rich and creamy.
 
Dork Smartass: I have a present for you…that I know you will like. Here it is…you can open it at any time.
 
Meredeath Gloom: Oh, I can’t believe it. You remembered to get me a present. (opens her present) What is this?
 
Dork Smartass: It is hair be gone. I want you to shave your pubes so you will be sexy.

Meredeath Gloom:
I thought you liked me with pubic hair…you liked Mandy because she had pussy hair. 
 
Dork Smartass: I have changed my mind. I want you to shave. Hey, everyone else is doing it…so why don’t you.
 
Meredeath Gloom: You are such a bastard…I don’t know why I love you. I thought you cared about me, but I guess not!!!
 
Dork Smartass: But, Meredeath it is the holidays…a time for forgiveness.
 
The Phone Rings…ring…ring…ring…ring!!

Meredeath Gloom:
Let me get that. Who could be calling at this hour of the night. Hello!
 
Crusty Yank: My new millionaire husband bought me a diamond ring worth millions of fucking dollars.  Hey, he might be a hundred years old and blind as a bat, but I don’t give a rats ass. You know what I bought him?

Meredeath Gloom: No, I don’t…why should I give a flying fuck.

Crusty Yank: I bought him “cock become hard creme” it will make his cock hard, and tonight we are going to party…bitch! (Click)

Meredeath Gloom: That bitch hung up on me.

Dork Smartass: Honey…come back to bed! I have a surprise for you.

Meredeath Gloom: Shut up…Dork…I don’t want your fuck pole.  That Crusty Yank! I am going to fire that bitch!

Dork Smartass: What got your panties in a wad…lover?

Meredeath Gloom: Crusty Yank called me to tell me that she got a ring worth millions…and all I got was a can of hair be gone…some holiday season I am having.

Dork Smartass: Don’t be down…it is the thought that counts.

Ring..ring…ring…ring…ring….!

Meredeath Gloom: Hello!

Crusty Yank: Oh…yes, yes, yes, yes!! OH, that is it. (Click)

Meredeath Gloom: Why that bitch prank called me while she is doing the nasty.

Dork Smartass: I wish I was doing the nasty.

Meredeath Gloom: Well, you aren’t, and you can forget about it tonight, so go sleep on the couch…and whack off for all I care.

Dork Smartass: You surely don’t mean that…it is the holidays!

Meredeath Gloom: I don’t care if it is the end of the world…out of my bed.

Ring..ring…ring…ring!

Meredeath Gloom: Hello!

Crusty Yank: Oh, yes…I am cumming…oh…fuck (Click)

Meredeath Gloom: Why that bitch…she prank called me again. The next time that she calls I am going to give her a piece of my mind.

Dork Smartass: I wish I was getting a piece of ass!

Meredeath Gloom: Is that all that you think about? SEX!! ASS!!

Dork Smartass: Pretty much!

Meredeath Gloom: You are such a bastard.

Ring…ring…ring…ring!!!

Meredeath Gloom: Why are you bothering me CRUSTY YANK!!!

Asslex Crass: Meredeath…this is Asslex! Why are you yelling like that…have you gone mental or something?

Meredeath Gloom: Put a sock in it. Why did you call me?

Asslex Crass: You know what I got for a present?

Meredeath Gloom: What?

Asslex Crass: I got a new plastic adult blowup doll from the adult book store…it has a real pulsating pussy with real looking pubic hair. And it says sexy things here listen to this here: Oh…you are so hot, I like it in all my holes, love is so dirty, you fuck my pussy like a pro, cum in me, cum on me!

Meredeath Gloom: That’s nice. I am hanging up now!

Asslex Crass: No, wait! This vinyl love doll has changed everything…now I don’t have to worry about premature ejaculation. It accepts my orgasm way before it is time. Do you know what this means…

Meredeath Gloom: What?

Asslex Crass: I am a sexual freak…(Click)

Meredeath Gloom: What the hell…everyone is hanging up on me! I am going to bed. I hope tomorrow will be better.

Dork Smartass: Meredeath come back to bed…

Meredeath Gloom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I am going crazy! Oh, yeah happy holidays everyone!

FIN!





The Farting College Women: Beth’s Silly Sinful Holiday cheer…

24 12 2007

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. ADULT LANGUAGE. ADULT THEME. 

I know this love for gifts is wrong.
I know it isn’t right.
All I want to do is open my presents tonight.

The packages from me are all under the tree, and oh so nicely wrapped.  
I got Sandy some lacey underwear.
I got Mandy a big Dildo Cock.
I on the other hand have no idea what I got.

I sit under the tree with eggnog in hand wishing and hoping that Sandy and Mandy thought I was good this year.
I watch some TV and drink my eggnog, hoping that the light of morning shall be near.
I turn off the TV and  turn up the heat and get back into bed and snuggle up under the sheets.

I am restless for the mornings light to see what I got under the tree alright.
I hope I got a pair of g-string panties with a matching leather bra.
I hope I got the newest edition of the Karma Sutra with all new sex positions.
I hope that I got a dildo with a vibrating head.

I shall not dream tonight.
I shall not sleep a wink.
I shall be the first to go down stairs at early mornings light in my crotchless underwear.
 

Mandy will think I am crazy.
Sandy will think I am bizarre.
I on the other hand will love opening my presents in my classy derriere.  

Have a Happy holiday…everyone.

FIN





Reality Fairytale: That Damn Asshole Prince.

21 12 2007

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE.  

There once was a handsome prince.
He was wanted by almost every women in his families kingdom.
He wore the finest clothes of silk and gold.
He had money and power beyond his wildest dreams.

He came across a fare maiden one day while he was collecting taxes.
He went home and told the king about the fare maiden that he had seen on the street.
The king laughed, you are a silly man she is just a commoner (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha). Do you have my money, said the King. I have to get your mom a new sports car, house, and matching earrings to go with the house.

The next day the prince went looking for the maiden, but she was no where to be found.
Then after weeks of searching he found her…at a broken down old house in the country.
He walked up to the front door and knocked, he just knew he would have her love in minutes…maybe seconds if he played his game right.
Her mother came to the door and jumped with joy that a “man of power” had come to their residence.

He asked if the woman lived here and described her.
Yes, said her mother! You described my daughter Sahea, she is upstairs reading.
Can I see her, said the prince.
Yes, of course you can!
Sahea, there is a gentlemen here to see you, yelled her mother.

Not now, said Sahea I am reading.
Her mother became inpatient with her and ran up to  her room and took the book from her hands.
What did you do that for yelled, Sahea!

There is a male caller asking for you…he is the prince!
I don’t give a crap, said Sahea.
What do you mean you don’t give a crap!!!
You are twenty five years old and don’t have a man…do you want to be an old maid?
I would rather be an old maid than a servant to a man.

This could be our ticket out of this dump, he is rich…yelled her mother.
Money can’t buy you nothing but material things. All money gives you is a pseudo sense of power over others, and besides I will never submit to the fucking prince, and his family.
His family has gotten rich off people like us.
You will go to him now, screamed her mother.
I will not go to him…said Sahea!

Her mother had dollars signs in her eyes, and the more she tried to get Sahea to meet the prince the more Sahea wouldn’t budge.
The Prince became impatient and agitated waiting at the door.
You are being silly, said her mother.
I am being smart, said Sahea.
I don’t want a man.

Don’t be a fool, said her mother.
You are only making me go because he is the prince…a man of power and wealth.
Do you think you would make me come to the door if it were a man from our social class asking to see me?
I want to select my own partner. You have no right to make me see someone that I can never love.
You foolish women, hissed her mother.

Her mother went down and told the prince that Sahea would not come down.
The prince became angry with Sahea’s mother.
He cursed and threw a huge fit, and demanded that Sahea come down this instant.

Sahea’s mother became frantic.
She ran up stairs to get Sahea to come down, but Sahea just picked up her book and continued reading.
You will come down this instant and meet the prince, and you can forget the University in the fall.
What…are you mad I only have one more semester to graduate!! I should have never came home this summer, said Sahea.
That University has poisoned your mind, yelled her mother.
You are poising my mind now, I want to be able to think for myself, and not someone else. I don’t belong to no one.

Her mother invited the prince in to talk some “sense” into Sehea.
He ran up the stairs and opened the door to Sehea’s room.
He found Sahea crying on the floor.
He didn’t care…because all he wanted was Sehea for his own perverse selfish needs.

He got on his knees and asked her to marry him, and he didn’t care that she was upset.
He said they could ride off into the sunset on his white horse and love one another forever.
Sehea responded to his request with…NO!! I won’t ride off in the sunset with you or any man. I could never love you.

The prince got up and stomped out.
Her mother followed him outside to the driveway.
I don’t know what has gotten into her. I didn’t raise her that way, said her mother.

She is as stubborn as an ox, screamed the prince.
Yes, I know said Sahea’s mother!
She gets it from her father.
I will tame her, said the prince.

You will bring her to the castle tomorrow night at ten o’clock, or I will have all of you thrown in prison, said the prince.
Her mother assured the prince they would be there and not to worry.
The prince rode away on his white horse into the sunset. The horse put it’s nose up in the air and put up it’s tail.

The next day came, and Sahea’s mother told all the Sahea’s family what the prince had said.
Sahea’s sisters begged Sahea to fulfill the princes wishes, but Sahea still wouldn’t go to see the prince.
The day passed by, and Sahea thought of what the prince had said. She didn’t want her family to suffer.
She got an idea, she would out wit the prince, and get her freedom back.
She looked in her closet for the most beautiful clothes she could find, and fixed her hair “sexy”.

She got dressed and walked down the stairs to everyone in her family staring at her; they clapped their hands. They were so glad that she had changed her mind.
What time do I have to be there, said Sahea.
Ten o’clock this evening, said her mother.

That is the perfect time, said Sahea.
Why, said her mother.
Oh, no reason said Sahea.
Her mother was very skeptical and wondered if Sahea had something facetious planned.

Later on that evening they (sahea’s mother, and sisters) all got into the family van and drove to the castle.
They went through the checkpoint at the driveway leading to the kingdom.
When they arrived at the castle twelve white doves were released, and there were rose peddles on the steps leading to the castle.
Sahea’s sisters were envious of her. Her mom was glowing with selfishness.
The family got out and the valet took their car and parked it.

Welcome to the wedding said the prince.
Sahea didn’t say anything.
Sahea, you will go with the royal hair dressers,  said the prince.
OK, I will marry you under one condition, said Sahea.
Her mother hissed, and told her to shut up.

What is that condition asked the prince. I will honor one of your wishes. I am the boss.
I have a joke for you to figure out.
A joke laughed the prince!!
If you can get the joke in less than five minutes, I will marry you. If you don’t you have to let me go free.
OK, but I want to answer it when we are at the alter so all of my public sees me get the joke. Because I have been educated in all the prestigious schools…my public needs to keep being reminded of how smart I am. You on the other hand are going to state university which is inferior to my educational background.

You have to sign this contract, said Sahea.
Contract, said the prince.
Yes, said Sahea
OK, I will get your joke and you will marry me, said the prince.

The prince signed the contract. Sahea went to the copy machine and copied one for herself, one for the prince, and one for the king and queen.
Sahea’s mother was pissed off at her, and her sisters turned the other way.

The prince was sure that he would get the joke, and he would be married to Sahea the women of his dreams.
Sahea got dressed in a big wedding gown with strings of pearls and gold.
She admitted to herself that she looked good, but she would be getting the last laugh tonight.

The royal dressing maids put the finishing touches on her dress, and hair.
She was ready to be married…or so everyone thought.
The dressing maids led her to a small bridal room. She could hear music playing, and people talking.

It was ten o’clock, and the ceremony was ahead of schedule.
The doors opened, and the church was full.
Sahea began her trek down the isle.
Sahea could see her sisters and her mother smiling at her as she walked toward the alter.

The prince was up front standing with the religious icon and the king and queen were sitting in their chairs in the front.
There were white doves flying in the room, and roses everywhere.
Sahea thought to herself this would be a nice wedding if I weren’t mine.

Sahea joined the prince at the alter.
He took her hand, and then asked for the joke.
Sahea looked into his power hungry eyes, and opened her mouth to speak.

How would you solve this problem, (10 10 10=9:50) you only have to change one of the tens to make thie problem a true statement.  You have five minutes.
The wedding guests were quiet and waited for the prince to answer.

Well, five mintutes came and went and the prince didn’t get the joke.
The prince became pissed and threw a fit, and told the public that Sahea’s contract was void.
The king came to Sahea’s rescue. A contract is a contract said the king, and you have to let her go.

The king then asked for the answer to the joke.
It is quite easy, said Sahea.
All you have to do is put a slash through the one in the middle ten, and it looks like this: (10 +0 10=9:50). I thought you would get that prince, after all you are highly educated, said Sahea.

The prince left the alter and went into hiding.
Sahea ran out of the church, and went home.
Sahea finshed the summer without saying a word to her mother.

Sahea went back to college in the fall and finished school.
She has not spoken to her mother since the botched wedding.
Once of Sahea’s sisters married the asshole prince, and is a slave to his dispotic rule.

Sahea sister now knows why Sahea botched her wedding, and now realizes that money and power is not everything.
Sahea has her own life and remains unmarried to this day.
She has a career and is quite happy without a man.

FIN 
 





Gray’s Colostomy: Plastic lust Emergency…

18 12 2007

Warning: Adult Content. Adult theme. Adult material.  Adult Language. Mature content.

Characters in this episode:

Meredeath Gloom.
Dork Smartass.
Asslex Crass.
Crusty Yank.

Mr. Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder.
Mr. Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder’s wife: Diane.
 

Intro: Meredeath Gloom: There comes a time when plastic is everything, and then love and hope go down the drain.  

Meredeath Gloom: Where the fuck is Dork Smart-ass? I need to talk to him. He threw up in my bed last night after eating my edible panties. I had been wearing them for two days.  They were cherry flavored. Then he didn’t want to get me off, and left the apartment.

Crusty Yank: Don’t get your “panties” in a wad. He is in the lab whacking off to some skank’s picture…that I am sure he wants to bang.

Meredeath Gloom: Why that asshole. He better be spanking his lust pole off to my picture of beauty, and not some bitch-ass-tramp.

Crusty Yank: I am sure it is not a picture of you. It is probably some skank that he wants to “do” in the restroom…or something.

Meredeath Gloom: I am going to the lab, and giving him a piece of my mind. That fucking asshole. He told me he wouldn’t bang anyone else but me…and after he barfed in my bed last night he refused to get me off and he thinks he can get himself off in the lab. He has another thing coming.

 Crusty Yank: Well, banging is his middle name…he wanted to do Mandy from the Farting College women.

Meredeath Gloom: Don’t you ever mention that event again…Crusty Yank. Mandy is my arch enemy! I am going to get you Mandy, and your farting friends too. (he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, wooo, ha, ha, ha!!!!)

Crusty Yank: Let it go…bitch!

Meredeath Gloom: No, you let it go!

Crusty Yank: No, you let it go!

Intercom announcer: Doctor Gloom, Dr. Smart-ass, Doctor Crass please report to the emergency room stat. It is a code red…code red.

Meredeath Gloom: I am off to the emergency room. I will see you later…bitch.

Crusty Yank: Whatever…bitch!

Meredeath Gloom goes to the emergency room in slow motion with cheesy music in the background.  The music is about some person whining about their bad poor me life.

Meredeath Gloom: What happened? What the fuck this is not a patient, this is an adult plastic blowup doll.

Paramedic: Yeah, I know. That is what I told Mr. Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder. I told him to go to an adult book store or porn shop and buy another one. He is convinced that it is alive. He calls it Lusta the Magic.

Meredeath Gloom: Is this guy insane?

Paramedic: He is some rich freak Congressman…in other words he thinks his shit doesn’t stink. I couldn’t refuse him…he had insurance.  He has a lot of money. Here you talk to him.

Meredeath Gloom:Hello, Mr. sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder I am the attending doctor. Don’t you know that the patient that you want me to admit is an adult blow doll made of plastic and vinyl. You can get another one at an adult book store where porn accessories are sold.

Mr. Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder: No, it is not just another piece of plastic. It is the love of my life…damn you…can’t you see.

Meredeath Gloom: What happened…the love doll looks deflated.

Mr. Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder: It certainly does. My wife did it. She took a needle and popped it. She was jealous of Lusta the magic, and made her go pop. I am so upset. Love is the only thing that Lusta the magic and I have.

Meredeath Gloom: Stop with all the love stuff, and get to the point man.  

Mr. Sell out to the highest bidder: OK, let me get myself together. I had just got home from ripping off the public, and was blowing Lusta the magic up to have a romantic evening just Lusta and me. I thought my wife was doing “Charity” work, pretending like she “cares”. I was putting a red teddy on Lusta the magic when…

Diane: I got home, and got a pin out of the my sewing kit, and popped his fuck doll. He can’t fuck that plastic bitch anymore. That blow doll comes complete with vibrating pussy, as long as you have six AAA batteries. What about my pussy, and what about my needs? I don’t need six AAA batteries.

Mr. sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder: Diane, what are you doing here?

Diane: I am here to stop you from patching up your fuck doll, so you can’t blow it up and fuck it all night. Did you know that blow doll talks…

Asslex Crass: No, I didn’t. I haven’t ever bought a plastic blow doll…I am not that desperate.

Diane: Well, it does. Do you know what it says?

Mr. Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder: Diane don’t. It will only bring back memories, of love gone by.

Diane: Here let me press this button.

Mr. Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder: No, Diane it is too painful.

Diane presses the try me button on Lusta the Magic. Mr. Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder starts crying. Sounds come from the doll deflated: I like your cock. That is it…fuck that pussy. I have been wanting you for a long time. You are so long. I am so horny. I want to fuck you day and night. Oh…yes. You are so big. Oh you are so good. I will be the love of your life. Who needs Rosie Palmer when you have me. How do you like my pulsating pussy! You love that action…don’t you bastard.

Diane: I can’t compete what that…that plastic tramp.

Asslex Crass: What the fuck…now I have seen it all. You are insecure about a fuck doll.

Diane: I have a lot to compete with…that fuck doll has done nothing but cause problems.

Asslex Crass: Get a hold of yourself woman. It is a piece of plastic. It is just a fuck doll that you can buy at an adult book store.

Meredeath Gloom: Take the fuck doll to the ER, and get a tire repair kit. I will do the operation.

Diane: You will not do the operation. I won’t allow it.

Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder: Diane would you please leave. This is not your business.

Meredeath Gloom: If you don’t leave I will call security.

Diane: Why…I am trying to save my marriage. How would you like to have a husband like him. I want him, but all he wants is that love doll! You haven’t heard the last of me; I will be back.

Asslex Crass: Don’t let the door smack your ass on the way out.

Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder: Can you re-inflate Lusta the Magic?

Meredeath Gloom: We will do all that we can…we are professionals.

Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder:Thank you. Oh, thank you!  I will see that you get doctor of the year, and that your ego gets the attention that it deserves.

Asslex Crass: Are you for real? You are in love with a fuck doll…a piece of plastic.

Mr. Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder: Yes, and I will give you all the money and power that you want.

Asslex Crass: I am at your service.  I only went into medicine for the money, the women, and the power. I love knowing that people think my crap doesn’t stink.

Mr. Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder: Me too. Me too.

Meredeath Gloom: We will patch your adult blowup doll for you…Mr Sell out.

The doctors rush the deflated adult love doll to the emergency room. The doctors push the stretcher in slow motion. There is cheesy music playing in the back ground. It is music about a guy who crapped his pants, and wants the whole world to know about it.

Meredeath Gloom: Nurse did you get the tire repair kit?

Nurse: Yes, I did. It is a state of the art. It has a rubber sheet that I can make several patches from, and rubber cement that doesn’t smell.

Dork Smartass runs in the ER.

Dork Smartass: What the fuck are you doing? Operating on a blowup doll without my expertise and permission. You are way out of line Meredeath.

Meredeath Gloom: I am out of line? I think spanking your lust poll in the lab is way out of line?

Dork Smartass: How did you find out about that? That is my business. I was spanking off to a picture of beauty.

Meredeath Gloom: Whose picture was it Dork?

Dork Smartass: Not yours.

Meredeath Gloom: I hate you!

Asslex Crass: Would you two shut the fuck up! We have a fuck doll to fix! There is a big hole in the Seam. It looks like someone used a pin…or something to pop it.

Dork Smartass: You think!

Asslex Crass: I am not going to take your fucking ego today…Dork.

Meredeath Gloom: Ego…my ass! Insecurity is more like it!

Dork Smartass: Why you…I am out of here.

Asslex Crass: Good, and don’t come back.

Meredeath Gloom: Yeah, you bastard for hell.

They start patching the hole in Lusta the Magic.

Meredeath Gloom: Nurse cut me a small patch, and give me a dab of rubber cement.

Nurse: Yes, Doctor Gloom. I am cutting out the patches now, and opening the tube of rubber cement.

The nurse cuts out a small patch from the rubber sheet, and hands it to doctor gloom. Sweat is running down Doctor Gloom’s face, the nurse wipes it off. She is under Stress.  

Meredeath Gloom: Hand me a dab of rubber cement.

Nurse: Yes, doctor gloom.

Doctor Gloom rubs rubber cement over the rip, and applies the patch. The patch sticks.

Meredeath Gloom: I am rubbing on the cement now…and now I am applying the patch. It looks like the patch stuck. Nurse hand me a blow drier.

The sound of the blow drier fills the room. BUZZZZZZZZZZZ! BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Meredeath Gloom: How long do we wait?

Nurse: It says twenty minutes.

Asslex Crass: I can’t wait twenty minutes, Mr. Sell out offered me fame and fortune. We have to do this fast.

Meredeath Gloom: I did the operation and you just watched, I want the credit for patching his fuck doll.

Asslex Crass: I want credit! I want credit! I am a doctor of talent.

Meredeath Gloom: Whatever…asshole!

Twenty Minutes pass by…

Nurse: It has been twenty minutes.

Meredeath Gloom: Get the air compressor…nurse.

The nurse gets the air compressor and turns it on.

Meredeath: I am opening the blow valve now. It is inflating. It’s alive! It’s alive!

Asslex Crass: I am taking credit for this.

Meredeath Gloom: Nurse, take the fuck doll to recovery, and let Mr. Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder know that the operation was a complete success! Yes, it is another job well done by me…Meredeath Gloom. I save lives…for a price!!! He is going to pay me ten thousand dollars for this operation.

Nurse: Don’t you think that is a little steep? All you did was put a patch over a hole and blow it up with an Air-compressor.

Meredeath Gloom: Shut the fuck up nurse, before I fire you. I am a doctor and I deserve millions and million of dollars, and if you don’t like it you can get the fuck out (He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he…woo…haaaaaaaa).

Nurse: You are such a bitch!

Meredeath Gloom: You damn right I am!

Meredeath Gloom walks into the waiting room to talk to Mr. Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder. She tells him that the operation was a complete success.

Meredeath Gloom: Well, Mr. Sell out your fuck doll is doing to be fine. It is holding air.

Mr. Sell-out-to-the-highest-bidder: Thank you..oh thank you! When can I take it home?

Meredeath Gloom: You can take it now, but first here is your bill.

Mr. Sell-out-t0-the-highest-bidder: Ten thousand dollars? Oh, well I will just use tax payers money. Here is the account number…and I don’t have to pay a cent. I am a politican and I am above the law! (he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he)

Meredeath Gloom: That will be fine, as long as you pay me…he, he, he, he, he, wooo Ha!!!

Asslex Crass: He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he!

Dork Smartass: What did I miss! Oh, well he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he!!!!

Crusty Yank: What is going on in here! Whatever!

FIN





The Farting college women: Mandy Sings Country fart song…

5 12 2007

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. ADULT THEME. ADULT LANGUAGE.  

Mandy: Here is a sweet song about a bar encounter that went wrong.

Beth: Hell, yeah it went wrong…he was a real asshole.
 

Sandy: Come on you two let’s play the song.

Beth: OK, Sandy don’t get your panties in a wad. A one…a one…two…three…four!!!

Band Members:

Mandy Vocals.
Beth: Drums.
Sandy: Guitar.

Mandy Sings with a twang in her voice:

I knew it was love.
I knew it was love at first sight
when I saw him at the bar the other night.

He had on faded blue jeans with a big cowboy hat.
He wasn’t to big or too fat.
He looked like someone that I could love.

Love. Love. Love.
Emotional Love.
Love. Love. Love.
Emotional Love.
Love that only two can share.

He came over to me and asked me my name.
Then bought me a drink, and asked me if I wanted him.
I said no just leave me alone.

Then he threw a fit and asked me why not.
He said he needed love, the hardcore way.
He said he would wrap it up with a glove.

I said no, I don’t want your cock.
He got all emotional and stood with a stanch.
And then he asked me again… why not.

He said why are you leading me on this way.
And why are you at this bar if you don’t want to get laid.
You could get lucky today.

That was it.
That was all that I could take.
I knew I had to fart in his fuck ass face.

I pulled down my jeans
And my panties with lace.
I was showing everyone my ass all around the place.

He laughed at me.
Then chuckles came from here.
Then chuckles came from there.

I knew me and my rear would get the last laugh in here.
I motioned for him to come closer.
I motioned for him to smell my rear.

He put his nose deep in my crack.
That is when I blew a smelly one out of my ass.
Then he threw up all his beer and was driven to tears.

He ran out of the bar.
He got in his car.
And got the hell out of here.

 I finished my beer.
And covered my rear.
And I too got the hell out of here.

Love.
Love.
Love.
Sweet love….

FIN.





The top ten charactor traits of assholes… plus bonus asshole definitions

2 12 2007

There are lots of assholes in this world,  and I want to take the opportunity to give you my top ten asshole character traits. You see many people out there would rather be an asshole than be nice and compassionate to the ones they love or to all living beings in general. 

To assholes it is all about them, and it is everyone else’s fault for their shortcomings. Assholes exist in all walks of life and they are in every society. Thus, regardless of how advanced a society is there are still these types of people. Well, on with the top ten.

 Note: There are people that exhibit all or some of the character traits below.

1. Stalker asshole: These assholes are very dangerous. Their partner breaks up with them, and they don’t want to end it. To them they are still happily in the relationship, and they don’t want their partner to move on or be with anyone else.  They can’t take the hint, and somehow they think that they can keep their relationship.  So, what do they do they stalk their ex partner and make their life a living hell. They (the stalker asshole) are the reason why the relationship ended to begin with, and are too immature to take the responsibility for their own actions. To this type of asshole it is everyone else’s fault that their ex broke up with them and they are without blame. They may call their ex-partner at work, drive by their house fifty times a night, call their ex-partner at home crying their asses off over the phone and on the answering machine. They may show up in places that there ex-partner is at, and try to talk to their ex-partner. They may commit violent acts against their ex-partner or those they associate with because they are too psycho-selfish to let go.  These people need “love control”, and that is all they think about.

2. Won’t happen again asshole: These assholes say that they are sorry and it will never happen again. They cry tears of selfishness, and have some lame excuse for their stupid violent unjust behavior. Then it happens again and again and again. They may buy flowers, stuffed animals, jewelry, or a car to make it up to their partner. They somehow think that material things will make up for all the pain and suffering they have put their partner through. This type of asshole may become a stalker, thus forcing their ex-partner to leave their home and move away. Their partner  may also get a restraining order against them, that they don’t comply to, because they somehow think that their partner is their property.

3. Mental asshole: These assholes look normal on the outside, but inside they are a raging lunatic. They may be “fun loving” and “happy”, but when things don’t go their way they explode.  They may drink too much, use drugs, or have bi-polar disorder and forget to take their medication. They may have anger issues, with a side order of immaturity syndrome. These people may get so pissed that they throw stuff (plates, remote controls, tools, etc.), pull the phone out of the wall, and put their fist through the wall. They stalk. They belittle. They harass. They are jealous of people that are close to their partner and many find them to be a threat.  They may have delusions that their partner is seeing someone else, or has “wronged” them in some way. These assholes don’t take any responsibility for their own actions, it is always someone else’s fault.  These people are not just assholes, they are fucking assholes.

4. Group control delusional asshole: These people love power and control. They use some type of group controlling philosophy as a means to control their “masses”. They may think that they are prophets or a person with higher than human powers to instill fear into those that they manipulate and belittle. Thus, making their masses fear and submit to their every word.  Thus, giving the asshole a sense of power beyond their wildest dream. Fear that these assholes instill in others is their greatest weapon of deception.   They once again take no responsibility for their own actions, and they say a higher being tells them to do it. They also believe they are somehow better than everyone else, and their shit doesn’t stink.  Thus, if those they control don’t do as they say they will all be doomed for all eternity if they don’t follow their “teachings”.  These assholes  fear educated people, powerful women, independent women, free thinkers, and those they can’t “control”. 

6. Be tough sports asshole: These are parent(s) the push their offspring(s) to excel at “sports”. They want their offspring to be tough, and be team players.  They want their offspring’s team to win at any cost, often getting pissed off with the other teams coach, refs, parents, and other players if their offspring’s team is “losing”. Thus, creating violent acts of stupidity and lawlessness.  Winning is everything…losing is not acceptable even though their offspring are young and the games are supposed to be for fun, but these assholes think it is the end of the world if their team loses.  Thus, teaching their offspring to win, win, win and be sore losers if they don’t.  They want their offspring’s to be warriors, but the question is why!!!! Go team go…not!

Note: Not all parents are like be tough sports asshole.

7. Asshole power trip Politician: A political leader that loves absolute power and control. They do things that are in their interests and not in the interest of the people that they are suppose to take care of and protect. They are smug, egotistical, and gloat with all the “power” that they manifest.  They are often times born with a silver spoon in their mouths, never knowing what it is like to be poor or humble…all they know is capitalistic intentions.

8. Power Trip asshole: They love to make those in their house and around them fear their rules and procedures. It gives them the sense that they are someone and that they have accomplished something in their fucked up lives.  They love knowing that they have absolute power.  They love to making rules in their house with consequences, that often include violence, belittlement and ignorance. They love knowing that they are kings of their fucked up domain. They are sick fucks.

9. Bad Up bringing asshole: This type of asshole is taught to be an asshole from the time they are young. They are too fucking stupid ignorant or macho to break the cycle, so they continue being assholes.  Thus, the term once and asshole always an asshole is conceived.

10. Insecure asshole: Insecurity plays a big part in being this type of asshole. You see assholes that are insecure don’t have power in their work or social environment, so they make those in their private lives victims of their fucked-up power trip. An insecure asshole is very dangerous. They may be jealous that their partner wants to go to college and get educated, and not let them go. They may use reproduction as a way to stop their partner from reaching their goals. They may make fun of their partner because they know more and want to make something of themselves. This type of asshole may ask were their partner has been and who they were talking to, showing their insecurity.  They may also be jealous of small animals such as cats and dogs, and want their partner to get rid of the animal because they are paying more attention to the animal then them. They feel the animal is competition, and find the animal a threat to the core of their “fairytale” relationship.

Bonus definitions:

Controlling asshole: (This might fit within mental asshole definition, but it deserves a definition all of it’s own.) This person controls all aspects of their partners life–fiances, eduction, career. This type of asshole constantly tells their partner what to do, and loves knowing that they have absolute power over their partner.  They make sure that their partner doesn’t have more education, doesn’t have a better job. They are the micro managers of assholes. ..and they love it.

Asshole offspring Creator: These people are assholes and may have some or all of the traits above. There is one thing different about these assholes…they love to create offspring.  They may have an offspring in one relationship, then as soon as they end that relationship they create another offspring with another partner. They have this additude that if they leave one relationship they can just create another offspring, and have things the way they were.

This is Grus saying be careful out there. If something is too good to be true…question it it might just be wrong.

Freedom is having your own mind, body, and life philosophy and not someone else’s.