The Farting College women: Beth’s Dildo Fever…poem!

30 01 2008

WARNING: Adult material. Adult Content. Adult theme. 

I have dildo fever and no one understands.
I have dildo fever and I don’t need a man.
I have dildo fever and I please myself any way that I can.

My dildo is long.
My didlo gives me freedom.
My dildo is mine…to have all the time.

I take it to work with me.
I take it to bed.
I take it where ever pleasure finds me.

I don’t have to mess with a man…with my dildo I thee wed.
My dildo makes me cum…without all the baggage of a relationship!
My dildo has a shrine, it makes love to me it with passion in mind!

I turn it on all the time.
My dildo is fine!
My dildo takes four AA batteries.
My dildo makes a buzzing sound….(BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ)


The Farting College Women: The adventure at the Lust Package Part 1

29 01 2008

Warning: Adult Content. Adult Theme. Adult Language.

Note: Names are fictious…it is only a story! 

The three ladies head to the bar to relax. They have all been working really hard, and need a break. They walk into the bar and sit at a table. There is only one problem…Mark GreenBill!

Beth: Let’s go out tonight.

Sandy: OK…where do you want to go?

Beth: To the Lust Package…all I know is that I want a long smooth drink. I have been working really hard….lately.

Mandy walks in at the end of the conversation.

Mandy: I don’t know if we should go to a club. Edwin and his jerk posse might be there. I am really tired of him sending me text messages and crying on my voice mail.

Beth: You can stay Mandy, but I am going out. Lusta Golden is going to meet Sandy and I there.

Mandy: Where are you going?

Beth: To the Lust package. They have two dollar shots all night…and the watresses walk around with nothing on but a smile…some even wear latex their so hot. The Lust Packages women’s restroom is full of numbers and sexy messages on the wall…some of the messages get me all hot.

Mandy: I want a cum shot and it is not from a drink if you know what I mean.

Beth: Mandy, that is where you go wrong…you are always looking for physical action. You have to start with the emotional, and then move to the physical. You should be more like Lusta golden and I. We just started using a double headed dildo the other night…up until now we have been watching each other get ourselves off…it makes me all emotional to see her cum. I cry sometimes.  Our love is so deep.

Sandy: You and Lusta are in love. That is so special.

Beth: Hell, yeah we are in love…and it is a sure thing honey. I am thinking about asking her to move in…we are ready to make that jump.

Sandy: You mean there is going to be another member of The Farting College Women?

Beth: Yes…I am afraid so Sandy.

Mandy: Isn’t she a hardcore Vampire?

Beth: Yes, she has to suck someone’s balls dry every once in a while!

Sandy: Wouldn’t that get messy…sucking someones cock dry. What a way to survive…yuck!

Beth: Once she sucks their balls dry they are sterile…the man’s bone is dry.

Mandy: Come on let’s go! We can take my car…that is enough talk about ball sucking.

The three get in Mandy’s hot car and drive to the Lust Package. Mandy parks the car and they enter the club. There are people dancing to gothic disco and wearing latex, black leather, black leather masks, and full latex body suits. They sit down at a private table in the corner of the club.

Mandy: Edwin won’t come here…he is too much of a macho man. He’s into those country western bars.

Sandy: He is not a man at all.

Beth: You can say that again…Sandy. I wonder wear Lusta is…she said that she would be here. I am going to call her cell…I will be right back. Order me a Vodka straight up.  

Beth leaves to call Lusta Golden!

Waitress: Hey, dirty sluts…what can I get you? How do you like my tits? They are real…everything about me is real. I don’t shave my pubic hair. I am a none conformist.

Mandy: That’s nice…your tits are real firm looking.

Waitress: Thank you…

The waitress has on a latex mask, latex body suit, and her tits are sticking out through two holes in her latex body suit.  

Sandy: She called us sluts…We are not…

Mandy puts her hand over Sandy’s mouth.

Mandy: Sandy shut up…you are at the Lust Package. It is customary to call people names here. This is the dirtiest fucked up bar in the city. I have no idea why Beth wanted to come here.

Sandy: Oh…I will have tall glass of milk with ice.

Waitress: OK…and for you temptress?

Mandy: Sandy…I can never figure you out…milk with ice with the fuck? Give me a cum shot….with extra cream. Our friend that is in the restroom wants a Vodka straight.

Waitress: Right away mistress….right away!

Ten minutes later. The waitress brings them their drinks, and Beth comes and sits down.

Sandy: Where were you Beth?

Beth: I was in the restroom taking a dump…when I had to get myself off reading the writing on the wall. There was a man and a woman doing it in the stall next to me they had body paint on…it kind of made me hot. Their moans made crap even faster.

Sandy: Where is Lusta?

Beth: She is running a little late. She had some business to attend to…she will be here in a little while.

Mandy: Oh, crap Edwin just came in with Mark GreenBill.

Beth: Mark GreenBill the actor?

Sandy: No…Mark GreenBill  the celebrity psychiatrist.

Mandy: Oh, yeah I forgot Edwin is working as a bodyguard. That explains why he came in here. Hurry…you have got to hide me.

Beth: What the fuck are you doing Mandy?

Mandy: I am hiding under the table. What the fuck…there are two people doing it under our table.

The People: Damn you…we were just about to cum…together for the first time. (crying)

Mandy: Get a damn room if you don’t want to be interrupted, fucking horny bastards. You better be using birth control we wouldn’t want you two procreating!

The People: Fuck you….

They get up and walk away….

Sandy: Oh, I think they saw my see through panties under the table…I have a huge bush right now.

Beth: Sandy…I just don’t get you sometimes. There is nothing wrong with having a bush…it is totally natural!

Sandy: Mandy, Edwin is coming over to the table with that guy.

Edwin: Hello, ladies have you seen Mandy? Tell her hi for me. I love her. I need love. Love. Love. Please she is the woman of my dreams.

Beth: Bring in the violins, and let the river of tears flow! Edwin take a hint she doesn’t like you.

Sandy: Yeah, Edwin.

Edwin: She would love me if she would only give our love a chance. It will be the truest love ever! I need her so bad (crying)!

Beth: True as a politician on election day.

Edwin: You don’t know true love like I do. You are such a…

Mark GreenBill: Move over Edwin.  Hello ladies…I am Mark GreenBill celebrity psychiatrist. You will never meet a man like me. I am smart and all knowing. I know what all the celebrities need.

Beth: Why don’t you treat Edwin he is fucked up in the head.

Mark GreenBill: He doesn’t make enough money, and isn’t popular enough for me to treat him. I only treat people that have power and prestige…and good insurance.

Beth: You totally define a person that is in it for the money. 
Mark GreenBill: Haven’t you seen my wonderful show? A well known celebraty got me my show, I only went on his show a few times and the rest is history.

Beth: Yeah…Yeah I have seen your crappy show…but fortunately for me I changed the channel.

Mark GreenBill: Oh, you did well I have healed half of Hollywood and everyone comes to me and you know what my solution is…it is rehab. Yes, rehab where all the magic happens. But, you know what I do first? I charge them three thousand dollars to tell them they need rehab.

Beth: Why don’t you get lost.

Mark GreenBill: No, I am going to sit at your table, because you see I am from Hollywood and I am above the law. I am a star…and you know what stars do they can be assholes anytime they want and people think they are being funny (he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he).

Beth: I am warning you. You better get lost.

Mark GreenBill: No! I won’t I am a doctor for the stars a man that always gets what he wants.

Edwin: He can do what he wants…Beth. I will stop you if you try anything funny.

Beth: Edwin your dick is so small a bacteria has to jack you off and then you can’t cum.

Edwin: No it doesn’t. I won’t listen to you. My package is fine. My package is the best…I am big I tell you. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Beth: You keep telling yourself that.

Edwin runs out!

Beth: One gone…one more to go.

Mark GreenBill: What did you do to him? I guess he needs counseling. What is your name women? I’m Mark. Do you want to dance.

Sandy: Sandy (he, he, he, he, he, he, he) OK!

Beth: Sandy what are you doing?

Sandy: What does it look like I am doing? I am dancing the night away.

Beth: Fine…but watch your ass!

Mark GreenBill: Yeah…Sandy you better watch your ass I might kiss it later. I am Mark GreenBill…celebrity psychiatrist the richest man in Hollywood.

Beth: Are you stoned, or just a really bad egoist.

Mark GreenBill: I can tell you right now that I am not stoned.

Mark and Sandy dance.

Mandy: Is Edwin gone? Beth, please tell me that the bastard is gone.

Beth: Yeah, he is gone.

Mark and Sandy dance the whole night. Lusta Golden shows up and Beth and Mandy drink more and more. Lusta Golden just moves to the music. Mandy hands Lusta Golden her car keys.

Beth: I am so…messed up.

Mandy: Me too. Lusta Golden I am glad that you are driving home.

Lusta Golden: No…problem thy women.

Beth: Where the fuck is Sandy?

Mandy: I don’t know! Thought she was dancing with Mark GreenBill!

Beth: We have to find her she is like mush in Mark’s arms…we have to save her from is egoist motives.

Mandy: Egoist motives…ha, more like lust motives. That guy is a fucking slut!

Beth: You can say that again. I am so drunk! (burp, burp, burp, burp!)

Mandy: Me too! (burp)

Beth: Lusta ask those freaks if they saw where Sandy went! (burp!)

Lusta Golden: They are not freaks. They are my kind of people!

Lusta walks over to the two dancing freaks, both are wearing latex masks, and body suits!

Lusta Golden: Did you see where our friend went?

Freak one: They went up stairs man…to the hotel! Can you pay me…I need five bucks for a cab fare.

Lusta Golden: Fine…here is five bucks!

Freak two: I know what room they are in…another five bucks please.

Lusta Golden: OK…here is another five bucks?

Beth: Damn this whole society…nothing is free anymore. Everyone wants something for nothing!

Freak Two: They are in room twenty-two! That is known as the fuck room. You have to know the damn code to get in there…man!

Beth: Do you know the code? My friends sanity and health are at stake.

Freak one: No one knows the code. No one! I  wouldn’t even attempt to go in room twenty-two!

Beth: We are going, and you are coming with us!

Freak One: I told you all I know…man! I swear on the vomit that I will hurl tonight.

Freak Two: He means it man! He will hurl, and he will swear tonight that he doesn’t know the code.

Lusta Golden grabs the freaks, because Beth and Mandy are too drunk! They can’t take the stairs so they have to take the elevator. They walk past the desk clerk.

Desk Clerk: Hey, where  are you people going? You can’t go back there, those rooms are private.

Lusta Golden: Yes, we can! Our friend is back there…we have got to save her.

Desk Clerk: Look…I don’t give a fuck about your friend…only VIP people are allowed back here. Do I have to call security?

Beth: Screw VIP, VIP mentality only breeds oppression and injustice!

Desk Clerk: You back off bitches! You back….

Lusta pulls up her skirt and flashes her pussy at the desk clerk. He becomes hypnotized and falls under her spell of lust!

 Desk Clerk: That is the most beautiful pussy that I have ever seen. I want it! I want it! Please, I have to have it! Oh, I am in pain! (thump)

The desk clerk falls under Lusta Golden’s spell of lust, and slowly slides to the floor!

Lusta Golden: Hurry…hurry! He is under my spell of lust! It will wear off in a few minutes, and then he will be his evil self once again.

Freak One: That was some pretty cool shit…how did you do that?

Lusta Golden: Pussy power…pussy power my dear freak!

Freak two: That is some power!

Mandy: You can say that again! (burp)

Beth:That is my lover! (burrrrrrrrrrrrrp) Damn that Vodka!

They find room twenty two, and bang on the door! Freak number one types in the code, the door opens. Freak one and Freak two make a run for it!

Freak One: We are out of here!

Freak Two: Hell…yeah! See ya!

Lusta Golden: We don’t need them anyway!

Beth: What the hell is this? There is fur all over the walls, and flashing lights everywhere!

Mandy: There is Sandy on that big fuzzy purple bed! (burp)

Lusta Golden: Unhand the fare woman you male slut!

Mark GreenBill: No, she is mine to have and to control…I am going to get someone to control before this night is over (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha)! I purposely had them get you drunk farting College Women so I could get..some time with your friend Sandy! You are too drunk to fart on me now! I am above the law…my law!

Mandy: We are pretty damn drunk, but I am not afraid of you! I think I am going to throw up!

Mark GreenBill: No, one can protect your friend  now…we are in love! It is only a matter of time before she is mine, and you can do nothing about it!

Sandy: What are you doing? We are in love. In the deepest love. He says we are getting married, and moving to an island of dreams.

Mark GreenBill: Yeah, I just want someone to love. Love is all that  Iwant! I am not going to hurt your friend…just control her! (Wooooooooooooooooooo, HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

Lusta Golden: This guy is about to piss me off!

Beth: Hey, were are you going?

Mark GreenBill: I am taking her to my love chamber….and we are going to consummate our love!

Sandy: He was telling me that he wants us to have a world of love.

Lusta Golden: Unhand her…you jerk!

Mark GreenBill: No!

Beth: That is it!

Beth takes off her pants and pushes Mark on to the bed, and puts her ass in his face, but she can’t fart.

Beth:  I can’t fart…what is happening to me! AAAAAAA!

Mark Green: I had them add some anti-fart solution to your drinks you can’t fart ever again!!!! (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha) Oh, your ass smells so sweet like a spring day in April! (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha)!

Mandy: Oh no!

Lusta Golden: Oh….shit!

Sandy: I love you mark!

Will Beth get her gas back or will Mark GreenBill win, find out in the next episode of The Farting College Women: The Adventure at the Lust Package.

FIN for now!

The poem of Toilet mouth man….oh crap!

25 01 2008

Toilet mouth man talks the talk.
Toilet mouth man lies the lie.
Toilet mouth man is richer than you and I.

Toilet mouth man thinks he greater than everyone.
Toilet mouth man is a big ball of fun only when he is ass kissing someone.
Toilet mouth man will do anything to get ahead.

Toilet mouth man is sick.
Toilet mouth man is a prick.
Toilet mouth man is a dick.
Toilet mouth man is a politician.

Toilet mouth man came from money.
Toilet mouth man cares nothing about the poor and uninsured.
Toilet mouth man sees the world as something to exploit and conquer.

Toilet mouth man will never know poverty.
Toilet mouth man only knows lies and deceit.
Toilet mouth man will never know what it is like to not know where his next meal is coming from.


The Farting College Women: Sandy’s Lustful tale of the night…

24 01 2008


I woke up one night to the sounds of voices and moans.
I went down stairs to see what, was the matter.
I could not believe it, in our living room it was Beth, Mandy, Lusta Golden and some man having an orgy of lust not based on trust.

There was Beth and Lusta Golden with a double headed dildo in their hands, and Mandy with some fools tool in her grasp.
I asked them to stop, you’re grossing me out.
Then I turned away and started to pout.

Mandy and Beth told me to join in with a gleam in their eyes.
I asked them is this some type of game, and if they were lusting for fame.
They told me it was an indulgent game of sex, and that I was insane if I didn’t join in their lust filled game.

I asked them why they called me insane, and they just laughed until they cried.
I wasn’t about to be laughed at so, I went up stairs and got my night wear surprise.
I was sure to wear panties that were edible, but nothing with lace.

I walked down the stairs without any disgrace.
Mandy and Beth both cheered, because I had come down with my edible underwear on.  
I walked over to them, and stuck my pussy in Lusta Golden’s face.

She said that she liked it.
She said it smelt great.
She loved my pussy and there was no reason to hesitate.

I came and I came all the rest of the night.
My pussy and my mouth got a work out alright.
I would say we had a wonderful night.

Then in morning light I went upstairs and into my bed, and pulled the covers over my head.
I love sex, but when they talk about it my face still turns red.
I just can’t talk about doing it in a bed.


The short Adventure of “Sperm”: A short sick and twisted existence…made of false positives!

23 01 2008

Warning: Adult Material. Adult Content. Adult Humor.  

Hello, my name is “Sperm”. I live in the balls of a man. Yes, it is my soul purpose in life to fertilize an egg. I spend most of my days swimming around in a cesspool of tainted jokes with broken tails and broken dreams.

I know that one day I will be ejected into a deep hole driven by lust.  I will make my way up to a huge orb that is called “the egg”, and there I will find my final destiny. That is if I don’t get sucked into a big mouth and then spit into a the toilet or trash can…or even worse swallowed!  I could end up on someones hand wiped away with a wash cloth or paper towel and then flushed down the sink or toilet…or even worse squirted on the wall just for fun. My biggest fear…being shot into condom, and then tossed into the trash can like a used beer can!

You see my tail is strong…so I am one of the lucky ones. I even tried to get insurance, but they wouldn’t insure me. They told me that my job is too risky! Will I become human one day…or will I just become a disappointing fantasy in someones fucked up mind? It is too soon to tell. It is a sick sad world being a Sperm…..but the human existence is counting on me!


The Farting College Women: Lust fills Sandy’s mind…Oh shit!

21 01 2008

WARNING: Adult Material. Adult Content. Adult Language. Adult Theme. 

Note: The names are fictitious…and refer to no actual person. It is just a story! Enjoy!

In every group there is one person that doesn’t like to talk about sex…and in the farting college women Sandy is that person. In this episode Sandy finds herself all alone in the apartment. Beth and Lusta Golden are out on a date, and Mandy well she is working. Sandy finds herself surfing a dating site called…”I bet I can tell you a lie about my cheating self”. She looks through several guys photos, and finds a guy that she might want to meet.

Sandy: I wish Mandy and Beth were home. I am sure lonely. I think I will turn on my computer and look for a friend. Hey, I am a women with needs. Let me do a search…hmmmm this site looks good “I bet I can tell you a lie about my cheating self”. I better take a shower. I am so hot and sweaty. I will go back to the computer after I get out.

Sandy takes off her clothes and jumps in the shower. The water feels good against her soft skin. She washes her body, and then gets out. She wraps herself in a towel, and turns on the TV.

TV Commerical: (women’s sexy voice) Are you looking for love? Have you been dumped…or has someone taken a dump on you? Do you want to meet the love of your life…or at least a love right now? What are you waiting for logon to “I bet I can Tell you a lie about my cheating self”. We promise you will find love in  two seconds, because we know you are desperate as hell…and will do anything to find love even if it means lying about it. We don’t care if you have been married seven times, or are a psycho. All we care about is the money…and as long as you pay your bill…we won’t tell the world about your dirty fucked up past.  We believe that everyone deserves a second chance, and a third chance, and a fourth chance…at love.

Here are two members that found love…Jack…and…Jane.

Jack: I was lonely, but when I logged on to I bet I can tell you a lie about my cheating self, I found love in just two seconds. Hell, I didn’t know that she was an addict, and had been married five times.

Jane: Jack has become my obsession. I just can’t get him out of my mind, even though he is fifty- thousand dollars in debt with credit cards and been married ten times. Get over here…I need love Jack. I need love! Here Jack do you want to suck my tits…what about my ass! You want to suck my ass don’t you,  then I am going  shit on your face Jack because it is a symbol of love and trust Jack.

Jack: No, I don’t want to suck your tits or your ass! I want out of here! Please someone help me, she is sticking her ass on my nose! Oh, it smells…it smells!!! Oh, she is taking a crap on my face!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Jane: You are making me cum Jack!

Sexy woman’s Voice: See that is pure passion. Jane wants to give him love, and she wants him to show it by sucking her ass and letting her drop a big shit on his face. They are so cute together. And trust me there are no psychos here, because we check each an every member out…oops I lied (he, he, he, he, he, he). We are only in it for the money, so sign up no matter who you are, he, he, he, he, woo ha, ha!! Oh, I guess you could lie, but why when you can have true love today. So join people like Jack and Jane and find good old fashion love today.

Sandy: That looks like an interesting site…I might join it today. I need a username, and then setup my profile. Then the men will know that I am lonely and want a man. Wait didn’t Beth say something about those dating sites?

Beth (voice dream like echoing): What the fuck are you doing going to those dating sites? Those sites will make you blind…there are fucking people on there that make politicians look like saints…lying psychos.

 Sandy: I guess I could use my credit card just this time. Beth isn’t home anyway, and besides I am a grown woman. I can take care of myself.

Sandy gets a username, and creates a profile, and in fifteen minutes she has thirty replies from men all over the world. She just blushes, and looks at all men that have sent messages to her.

Sandy: Womanseeker12345, that looks like a nice guy, and he lives in the same city as me. He says that he likes to workout and likes quiet evenings alone under the covers with wine…and stuff.  He also says that he is looking for the woman of his dreams, and he is honest and sincere. I will e mail him back…I sure hope that I don’t open up a can of worms. I have to ask myself this question…if he is honest and sincere then how come he is listed on this site, and is not with anyone hmmmmm?

Just as Sandy is finishing her message to womenseeker12345_AD  Mandy comes home. Sandy doesn’t want anyone knowing about her conquest.

Mandy: Sandy, I am home!! What are you doing?

Sandy: Nothing…oh nothing. I am just surfing the Internet for beauty products!

Mandy: I didn’t just see you looking at a dating site? You know what happened to me…it was terrible.

Sandy: I just sent off a message to a guy who calls himself womenseeker12345_AD he is a real dream boat.

Mandy:You know better than to be communicating with a man that calls himself womanseeker12345…he probably is a shit bomb.

Sandy: You don’t know anything about my man! He is sincere and honest. Does that sound like anyone that is a shit bomb? Well…does it!

Mandy: Yes, I am afraid so…Sandy. I am afraid so… 

Sandy runs to her room. Mandy runs after her.

Mandy: Sandy…I am sorry. I am just watching out for you. You know that love is dangerous. I just don’t want you to get hurt.

Sandy: Please, go fuck yourself Mandy. Why is it that you and Beth always get the dates and I don’t? You fucking bitches.

Mandy: Your question comes in two parts. Part one, I am going to my room and I am going to fuck myself with my new Vibrator with pulsating head, and I am going to cum…five times. The other part of your question is you have always been the one that watches out for us…so it is time that Beth and I watch out for you.

Sandy: Thank you…Mandy! But, I need to make my own mistakes. I need to reach out and get my own sunshine or darkness which ever comes my way.

Mandy: I am still going to watch out for you. Well, I am going to my room, and getting naked and sticking my new Vibrator up my love hole, and cumming all night long.

Sandy: OK…see you later.

Mandy: Later…bitch!

Mandy goes to her room and shuts the door. Beth comes running through the door all pissed off.

Beth: Those fucking pharmaceutical bastards!

Sandy: What are you pissed off about?

Beth: Lusta, Golden and I were having a nice dinner, when one of my friends came over to us and told us about the tragedy in his life. He needs medicine and his insurance will not pay for it. He is real sick. The medicine costs three hundred dollars a bottle. The damn insurance company and that pharmaceutical company are fucking each other and we the consumers are getting their leftover cum juice. I am going to do something about this…

Sandy: What do you want me to do about it, companies have more power than me. I am just a poor college student…with no insurance.

Beth: I want to vent. The only people that can pay for certain medicines are the rich people. The rest of us have to suffer. Damn this world is so unfair.

Sandy: You know the world is ruled by pharmaceutical companies, and companies that are in it for the money. They give out the medicines and we pay…it is just as simple as that.

Mandy: Oh, fuck you have big cock! Oh…I fucking love it! Give it to me! Give it to me…yeah that is it!!

Beth: What the fuck is that?

Sandy: It is Mandy fucking herself with her electronic fuck stick!

Beth: Mandy would you shut up I am venting here.

Sounds come from Mandy’s room.


Beth: Mandy…keep your lust to yourself. I am talking to Sandy.

Sandy: There is nothing that we can do…it seems that money takes the place of life…it seems that companies have all the say. We are just seen as paying customers to their plans of world domination.  I don’t have time to talk to you. I am waiting for a phone call.

Beth: Sandy? What is wrong…a phone call from who?

Sandy: A guy.

Beth: Sandy…do you have a date?

Sandy:Yeah, he seems pretty nice. He likes to workout, and spend quiet evenings under the covers, and wants to find the woman of his dreams.

Beth: That sounds like a canned document profile on some dating site from a desperate man. You haven’t met him in person…have you?

Sandy: No…I haven’t but he will be emailing me soon. He seems really nice. Don’t say anything, Mandy has already told me about online dating sites.

Beth: I am not going to argue with you about that. You are a grown woman!

Sandy: Why did you come home so soon if it wasn’t to tell me that I am a bad woman for going to a dating site.  

 Beth: I came back here for a change of clothes, I am spending the night at Lusta Golden’s house. We are going to do some dancing in the sheets…if you know what I mean.

Sandy: Sounds pretty serious…I wish I were dancing in the sheets. You must be in love.

Mandy (from her room): Buy a vibrator…no fuss all the lust with no drama, and no mess in the sheets. And you won’t have to clean love juice off your tits, or ass or belly or face or hair or…!

Beth:  Shut up Mandy we get the point! Yes, I am in love.

Mandy: Oh, Beth come back to bed! I want to see your pussy!

Beth: Shut up Mandy…don’t make me come back there and spank you!

Mandy: Oh, that would be nice…lover!

Bath: I am not listening…Mandy! Well, I will see you…be careful Sandy! I will give you this advice: If he wants to do you on the first date, or if he wants to make you feel sorry for him and then do you on the first date..send him home packing. He only wants one thing. 

Sandy: Yes, I will take your advice.

Beth walks back to her room and gets her clothes, and tells Mandy and Sandy  goodbye. The door closes and all is quiet. Sandy goes to her room and watches some TV.  In an hour or so, Sandy gets an email from womenseeker12345_AD! The messages reads:

Hello Sandy. I have been wanting a woman like you. Meet me at Club Scratch tomorrow night for a good time…I well be waiting. I will be in a blue suit and tie. Womenseeker12345_AD

The feeling of lust filled Sandy’s Mind. She is excited. She is glad that she has a date even if she got it using a dating site. But, then she questions his message…why hadn’t he used his real name? And why did he want to meet at club Scratch. That place is a restaurant, but it is known for it’s dancers of the night that are dressed like cats. The top half is of their suit looks like a cat, but they don’t wear anything from the waist down.

 Sandy went to bed that night thinking about the date. The next day she went to class, and came home and got ready for the night out.  The day had gone by really slow, and the anticipation was too much to bare. There was no one at home. Beth was at work, and Mandy was in class. She had no one to talk to…about the date.

She took a taxi to club Scratch which as about twelve blocks from the apartment. The cab left her in front of the Club. She paid the cover charge, and went to the restaurant side. The music was loud, and the place was full. She looked around and didn’t see anyone wearing a blue suit and tie. Then one of the waitresses came up to Sandy and told her to come with her. The waitress had a cat mask on and cat top, but nothing on below her waist. Sandy was at a nude bar.

Sandy followed the waitress to a private booth and there he was womanseeker12345_AD. It was Rick Landerson…a politician running for public office. He had two other women setting next to him…half naked.  She knew this date was too good to be true.

Rick Landerson: Hello…Sandy! I hope this place is to your liking! We have been waiting for you! You see I have to have release. I have a huge schedule of ass kissing the public, and well women are my…release. Come over here and give me some sugar.

The two women laugh!

Sandy: You are married! Why are you doing this? You are a pig! You lie to the public, and you lie to your wife! I am leaving… you bastard.

Rick Landerson:Oink. Oink. Lover! Come back here, my wife is out doing charity work, she doesn’t give me loving anymore (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!) She knows nothing about being poor, she wants everyone to think that she cares. The more charity she does the more voters I get…it is a symbiotic relationship.  Where are you going Sandy? Stay…please! I wouldn’t want you going public with what you already know!

The three laugh!

Sandy: Don’t fuck with me I am a member of the farting college women and we get each others back!

Rick Landerson: Oh…whatever! You three are just an urban legion! Come here and sit down! I have ordered fish eggs and salad for everyone with tax payers money! Damn I am smooth! You will stay for dinner…Sandy! You and your middle class paid for it! (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha)

Sandy: You can’t do this…I am not your piece of property! I am human being unlike you!

Rick Landerson: Tonight you belong to me! You see we politicians paint an image that is squeaky clean and immortal. People look up to us like we are super human, and that we are flawless.  To my public I am flawless…I am so fucking cool! I am so above the law! I am so fucking rich!

Sandy: I will stay with you!

Rick Landerson: That is a good woman! I need your cell phone…you will get it back when I have brainwashed you into believing that infidelity is king! Tonight when you leave you will be a voter (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha).

Sandy presses the farting college women distress button when she hands Rick Landerson her phone.

Sandy: I don’t think so…Dick!  

Rick Landerson: Come over here and sit with me! I want you to meet someone! This is Edwin my body guard! If you try any funny stuff he will stop you! He will stop you (ha, ha, ha, ha)!

Sandy: Oh, that piece of crap. He is a coward stalking psycho ass! He dated my friend Mandy once and he won’t stop calling! He says that she is the love of his life, and they only went out once. He even cries on the phone!

Edwin: I have changed now! I am not the man that I used to be…well that is what my profile says at “I lie to get love and I can’t tell the truth”.

Rick Landerson: I take you know him.

Edwin: I had to go to counseling because of her friend Beth…she farted on me! But, I am all good now!

Rick Landerson: So, Sandy is a member of the Farting College Women…she isn’t lying! Where are you other friends Sandy? They can’t help you now….give me sugar! I want you to get me off!

Rick unzips his pants. The other two women start kissing each other, and Rick Landerson directs Sandy to please him.  Sandy looks around and sees Beth, Mandy and Lusta Golden. Mandy has the video camera that is connected via a wireless connection to the local  media. Beth and Lusta Golden confront Rick Landerson.

Beth: Not, so fast Rick Landerson! You zip up your pants before there is hell to pay!

Rick Landerson: Hell, I have been there. I have sold myself to the highest bidder…I am slut to power and money! Money and control! Edwin get them!

Edwin: Yes, sir!

Edwin runs at Mandy, but doesn’t far!

Mandy: You are poor excuse for a man Edwin. You suck…your dick is so small that you have to have a flea get you off!

Edwin: Shut up Mandy…my cock is the biggest you will ever see!

Mandy: No it’s not!

Edwin: Yes, it is…ahhhhhhh!

Edwin walks away!

Rick Landerson: Edwin get back here, and get in the flight man. Am, I going to have to do this alone!

Beth: It looks like it… you bastard. We have all this on film: you trying to get someone to service you…now you must pay! And you are not going to get any change back!

Rick Landerson: I can get the tape! You have nothing on me!

Mandy: Yes, we do! We had a live feed right to the studio! Your career as a public official is finished. Your wife is on the way..she knows about your slut “adventures”.

The two half naked women sitting on Rick Landerson’s lap get up a scurry to the door and leave.

Rick Landerson:What are you going to do? I can pay you all…beyond your wildest dreams!

Beth: It isn’t time to pay us…it is time to pay up!

Rick Landenson: What are you doing? What are you doing…you are taking your pants off! No! I will be good!

Beth: I know you will be! I know you will be (ha, ha, ha, ha)

Beth Removes her pants and sits on Rick Landersons nose…and you all know what happens next!

Rick Landerson: please…all I wanted was a little release. I just wanted Sandy to give me a good time!

Beth: You wanted wrong…now I am going to fart on your face.

Rick Landerson: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beth’s Ass:ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! POOOO!
IIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! BBBBBBBaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Rick Landerson: It smells…it smells! It burns!!! It burns!!!

Beth: My work is finished here! Let’s go watch a movie..ladies!

Sandy: Yeah..

Mandy: Yes, I agree!

Lusta Gold: Yes…I would love to see a movie!

The whole club stinks, so everyone left until the smell cleared! Rick is rushed to the hospital with burns on his face and head. They also had to surgically remove a piece of corn that got stuck in his face, because Beth’s ass reached terminal velocity! He is also getting counseling for his traumatic experience. His wife left him and his career is washed out!


The Cardboard Politician

18 01 2008

The people watched as a strange looking man talked on the evening news. He said all the words that everyone wanted to hear. He didn’t crack a smile when he talked about lowering taxes, foreign policy, education, the environment, and health care. He let everyone know that he was the right person for the job, and that everyone was a “winner” in his eyes. This made the voters love him more.

When debates were held he didn’t go in person. He would hold his part of the debate from his office at his desk via satellite. No one knew where he lived, and no one had seen him outside his office. But, somehow, some way everyone loved him and wanted him to be their leader. He wore a suit with a little flag tie pin on the jacket, and his hair was combed just right it looked like plastic. His speeches looked the same every time, him setting at his desk.  The words were different, but the speeches were delivered in the same tone of voice…they sounded robot like.

The media tried to dig up juicy damaging stuff on him, and his political opponents did too.  But, no one could find that he had done anything wrong–he hadn’t ripped anyone off, given tax breaks to his friends, taken kickbacks, or started any wars. This made his opponents pissed off, because in the world of politics dirt is the ultimate equalizer.  

Everyone was mad because they couldn’t dig up dirt on him so they could add the water and sling the mud back at the public. This made his opponents pissed off, they demanded that he be at the next debate with the rest of them. Well, he said no, and that he was at his desk working hard for the people, and he didn’t have time to fly to the debate. He would however, be at the debate via satellite.

He went on TV a couple more times telling voters to vote for him…and that their votes counted and he cared. He told them that he liked apple pie, and good old family values. But, over the next few months people got even more confused, it is not what he did, it is what he didn’t do. He didn’t go out and shake the voters hands…and he didn’t even say anything else, but political shit. The only words that came out of his mouth were how he would change things…how he would treat the people right, how he wasn’t selfish, and how he didn’t like power. The debates were weird too, he didn’t really answer the debate topics he just talked about stuff important to him. He was like a robot…a man of pre-recorded messages.  

His political opponents were pissed off because he was winning at the polls. They had spent millions of dollars to let the world know how much they cared.  They being the poor sports that they were demanded that he speak in public. That he shake the voters hands…that he ass kiss his way into office. It was voting day and the Rogue Politician won. His opponents throw fits and said it was unfair.

Then it came time for his inauguration. He didn’t come in public he just gave his speech from his desk. He spoke in the same suit and tie…and the robot words came flowing out of his mouth.

His Speech: Hello…people of the…world. I won…because you wanted me to. I will be…the…best….I will not raise taxes…I will rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

His voice came to a stop very slowly, and he fell over. He wasn’t a man. He was a cardboard cutout. The batteries had gone dead, and a breeze had blown through the studio, blowing over the cardboard cutout. His opponents were really mad. In the end the people’s vote didn’t count, because even though the people liked the rogue politician, people still weren’t sure about him. One of the other ass kissing politicians actually won.

When everything came out. There was voter fraud, and some votes weren’t counted right. And, some people didn’t get to vote, and a robot cardboard cutout got put into office. They being the powers that be…put the cardboard politician into office. Because, when a government is only in it for itself…it does what it wants. Thus, the cardboard politician is born…with pre-recorded messages that the people like to hear. Then at the same time the government is actually secretly doing what it wants.

They put in who they wanted office. You may ask “who” are “they” that I talk about? You be the judge.