The Farting College Women: Lust fills Sandy’s mind…Oh shit!

21 01 2008

WARNING: Adult Material. Adult Content. Adult Language. Adult Theme. 

Note: The names are fictitious…and refer to no actual person. It is just a story! Enjoy!

In every group there is one person that doesn’t like to talk about sex…and in the farting college women Sandy is that person. In this episode Sandy finds herself all alone in the apartment. Beth and Lusta Golden are out on a date, and Mandy well she is working. Sandy finds herself surfing a dating site called…”I bet I can tell you a lie about my cheating self”. She looks through several guys photos, and finds a guy that she might want to meet.

Sandy: I wish Mandy and Beth were home. I am sure lonely. I think I will turn on my computer and look for a friend. Hey, I am a women with needs. Let me do a search…hmmmm this site looks good “I bet I can tell you a lie about my cheating self”. I better take a shower. I am so hot and sweaty. I will go back to the computer after I get out.

Sandy takes off her clothes and jumps in the shower. The water feels good against her soft skin. She washes her body, and then gets out. She wraps herself in a towel, and turns on the TV.

TV Commerical: (women’s sexy voice) Are you looking for love? Have you been dumped…or has someone taken a dump on you? Do you want to meet the love of your life…or at least a love right now? What are you waiting for logon to “I bet I can Tell you a lie about my cheating self”. We promise you will find love in  two seconds, because we know you are desperate as hell…and will do anything to find love even if it means lying about it. We don’t care if you have been married seven times, or are a psycho. All we care about is the money…and as long as you pay your bill…we won’t tell the world about your dirty fucked up past.  We believe that everyone deserves a second chance, and a third chance, and a fourth chance…at love.

Here are two members that found love…Jack…and…Jane.

Jack: I was lonely, but when I logged on to I bet I can tell you a lie about my cheating self, I found love in just two seconds. Hell, I didn’t know that she was an addict, and had been married five times.

Jane: Jack has become my obsession. I just can’t get him out of my mind, even though he is fifty- thousand dollars in debt with credit cards and been married ten times. Get over here…I need love Jack. I need love! Here Jack do you want to suck my tits…what about my ass! You want to suck my ass don’t you,  then I am going  shit on your face Jack because it is a symbol of love and trust Jack.

Jack: No, I don’t want to suck your tits or your ass! I want out of here! Please someone help me, she is sticking her ass on my nose! Oh, it smells…it smells!!! Oh, she is taking a crap on my face!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Jane: You are making me cum Jack!

Sexy woman’s Voice: See that is pure passion. Jane wants to give him love, and she wants him to show it by sucking her ass and letting her drop a big shit on his face. They are so cute together. And trust me there are no psychos here, because we check each an every member out…oops I lied (he, he, he, he, he, he). We are only in it for the money, so sign up no matter who you are, he, he, he, he, woo ha, ha!! Oh, I guess you could lie, but why when you can have true love today. So join people like Jack and Jane and find good old fashion love today.

Sandy: That looks like an interesting site…I might join it today. I need a username, and then setup my profile. Then the men will know that I am lonely and want a man. Wait didn’t Beth say something about those dating sites?

Beth (voice dream like echoing): What the fuck are you doing going to those dating sites? Those sites will make you blind…there are fucking people on there that make politicians look like saints…lying psychos.

 Sandy: I guess I could use my credit card just this time. Beth isn’t home anyway, and besides I am a grown woman. I can take care of myself.

Sandy gets a username, and creates a profile, and in fifteen minutes she has thirty replies from men all over the world. She just blushes, and looks at all men that have sent messages to her.

Sandy: Womanseeker12345, that looks like a nice guy, and he lives in the same city as me. He says that he likes to workout and likes quiet evenings alone under the covers with wine…and stuff.  He also says that he is looking for the woman of his dreams, and he is honest and sincere. I will e mail him back…I sure hope that I don’t open up a can of worms. I have to ask myself this question…if he is honest and sincere then how come he is listed on this site, and is not with anyone hmmmmm?

Just as Sandy is finishing her message to womenseeker12345_AD  Mandy comes home. Sandy doesn’t want anyone knowing about her conquest.

Mandy: Sandy, I am home!! What are you doing?

Sandy: Nothing…oh nothing. I am just surfing the Internet for beauty products!

Mandy: I didn’t just see you looking at a dating site? You know what happened to me…it was terrible.

Sandy: I just sent off a message to a guy who calls himself womenseeker12345_AD he is a real dream boat.

Mandy:You know better than to be communicating with a man that calls himself womanseeker12345…he probably is a shit bomb.

Sandy: You don’t know anything about my man! He is sincere and honest. Does that sound like anyone that is a shit bomb? Well…does it!

Mandy: Yes, I am afraid so…Sandy. I am afraid so… 

Sandy runs to her room. Mandy runs after her.

Mandy: Sandy…I am sorry. I am just watching out for you. You know that love is dangerous. I just don’t want you to get hurt.

Sandy: Please, go fuck yourself Mandy. Why is it that you and Beth always get the dates and I don’t? You fucking bitches.

Mandy: Your question comes in two parts. Part one, I am going to my room and I am going to fuck myself with my new Vibrator with pulsating head, and I am going to cum…five times. The other part of your question is you have always been the one that watches out for us…so it is time that Beth and I watch out for you.

Sandy: Thank you…Mandy! But, I need to make my own mistakes. I need to reach out and get my own sunshine or darkness which ever comes my way.

Mandy: I am still going to watch out for you. Well, I am going to my room, and getting naked and sticking my new Vibrator up my love hole, and cumming all night long.

Sandy: OK…see you later.

Mandy: Later…bitch!

Mandy goes to her room and shuts the door. Beth comes running through the door all pissed off.

Beth: Those fucking pharmaceutical bastards!

Sandy: What are you pissed off about?

Beth: Lusta, Golden and I were having a nice dinner, when one of my friends came over to us and told us about the tragedy in his life. He needs medicine and his insurance will not pay for it. He is real sick. The medicine costs three hundred dollars a bottle. The damn insurance company and that pharmaceutical company are fucking each other and we the consumers are getting their leftover cum juice. I am going to do something about this…

Sandy: What do you want me to do about it, companies have more power than me. I am just a poor college student…with no insurance.

Beth: I want to vent. The only people that can pay for certain medicines are the rich people. The rest of us have to suffer. Damn this world is so unfair.

Sandy: You know the world is ruled by pharmaceutical companies, and companies that are in it for the money. They give out the medicines and we pay…it is just as simple as that.

Mandy: Oh, fuck you have big cock! Oh…I fucking love it! Give it to me! Give it to me…yeah that is it!!

Beth: What the fuck is that?

Sandy: It is Mandy fucking herself with her electronic fuck stick!

Beth: Mandy would you shut up I am venting here.

Sounds come from Mandy’s room.

Mandy: Oh! YEAH! YEAH! OH…FUCK I AM CUMMING!!! Shut…up…Beth!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! OHHHHHHHHHHH! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Beth: Mandy…keep your lust to yourself. I am talking to Sandy.

Sandy: There is nothing that we can do…it seems that money takes the place of life…it seems that companies have all the say. We are just seen as paying customers to their plans of world domination.  I don’t have time to talk to you. I am waiting for a phone call.

Beth: Sandy? What is wrong…a phone call from who?

Sandy: A guy.

Beth: Sandy…do you have a date?

Sandy:Yeah, he seems pretty nice. He likes to workout, and spend quiet evenings under the covers, and wants to find the woman of his dreams.

Beth: That sounds like a canned document profile on some dating site from a desperate man. You haven’t met him in person…have you?

Sandy: No…I haven’t but he will be emailing me soon. He seems really nice. Don’t say anything, Mandy has already told me about online dating sites.

Beth: I am not going to argue with you about that. You are a grown woman!

Sandy: Why did you come home so soon if it wasn’t to tell me that I am a bad woman for going to a dating site.  

 Beth: I came back here for a change of clothes, I am spending the night at Lusta Golden’s house. We are going to do some dancing in the sheets…if you know what I mean.

Sandy: Sounds pretty serious…I wish I were dancing in the sheets. You must be in love.

Mandy (from her room): Buy a vibrator…no fuss all the lust with no drama, and no mess in the sheets. And you won’t have to clean love juice off your tits, or ass or belly or face or hair or…!

Beth:  Shut up Mandy we get the point! Yes, I am in love.

Mandy: Oh, Beth come back to bed! I want to see your pussy!

Beth: Shut up Mandy…don’t make me come back there and spank you!

Mandy: Oh, that would be nice…lover!

Bath: I am not listening…Mandy! Well, I will see you…be careful Sandy! I will give you this advice: If he wants to do you on the first date, or if he wants to make you feel sorry for him and then do you on the first date..send him home packing. He only wants one thing. 

Sandy: Yes, I will take your advice.

Beth walks back to her room and gets her clothes, and tells Mandy and Sandy  goodbye. The door closes and all is quiet. Sandy goes to her room and watches some TV.  In an hour or so, Sandy gets an email from womenseeker12345_AD! The messages reads:

Hello Sandy. I have been wanting a woman like you. Meet me at Club Scratch tomorrow night for a good time…I well be waiting. I will be in a blue suit and tie. Womenseeker12345_AD

The feeling of lust filled Sandy’s Mind. She is excited. She is glad that she has a date even if she got it using a dating site. But, then she questions his message…why hadn’t he used his real name? And why did he want to meet at club Scratch. That place is a restaurant, but it is known for it’s dancers of the night that are dressed like cats. The top half is of their suit looks like a cat, but they don’t wear anything from the waist down.

 Sandy went to bed that night thinking about the date. The next day she went to class, and came home and got ready for the night out.  The day had gone by really slow, and the anticipation was too much to bare. There was no one at home. Beth was at work, and Mandy was in class. She had no one to talk to…about the date.

She took a taxi to club Scratch which as about twelve blocks from the apartment. The cab left her in front of the Club. She paid the cover charge, and went to the restaurant side. The music was loud, and the place was full. She looked around and didn’t see anyone wearing a blue suit and tie. Then one of the waitresses came up to Sandy and told her to come with her. The waitress had a cat mask on and cat top, but nothing on below her waist. Sandy was at a nude bar.

Sandy followed the waitress to a private booth and there he was womanseeker12345_AD. It was Rick Landerson…a politician running for public office. He had two other women setting next to him…half naked.  She knew this date was too good to be true.

Rick Landerson: Hello…Sandy! I hope this place is to your liking! We have been waiting for you! You see I have to have release. I have a huge schedule of ass kissing the public, and well women are my…release. Come over here and give me some sugar.

The two women laugh!

Sandy: You are married! Why are you doing this? You are a pig! You lie to the public, and you lie to your wife! I am leaving… you bastard.

Rick Landerson:Oink. Oink. Lover! Come back here, my wife is out doing charity work, she doesn’t give me loving anymore (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!) She knows nothing about being poor, she wants everyone to think that she cares. The more charity she does the more voters I get…it is a symbiotic relationship.  Where are you going Sandy? Stay…please! I wouldn’t want you going public with what you already know!

The three laugh!

Sandy: Don’t fuck with me I am a member of the farting college women and we get each others back!

Rick Landerson: Oh…whatever! You three are just an urban legion! Come here and sit down! I have ordered fish eggs and salad for everyone with tax payers money! Damn I am smooth! You will stay for dinner…Sandy! You and your middle class paid for it! (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha)

Sandy: You can’t do this…I am not your piece of property! I am human being unlike you!

Rick Landerson: Tonight you belong to me! You see we politicians paint an image that is squeaky clean and immortal. People look up to us like we are super human, and that we are flawless.  To my public I am flawless…I am so fucking cool! I am so above the law! I am so fucking rich!

Sandy: I will stay with you!

Rick Landerson: That is a good woman! I need your cell phone…you will get it back when I have brainwashed you into believing that infidelity is king! Tonight when you leave you will be a voter (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha).

Sandy presses the farting college women distress button when she hands Rick Landerson her phone.

Sandy: I don’t think so…Dick!  

Rick Landerson: Come over here and sit with me! I want you to meet someone! This is Edwin my body guard! If you try any funny stuff he will stop you! He will stop you (ha, ha, ha, ha)!

Sandy: Oh, that piece of crap. He is a coward stalking psycho ass! He dated my friend Mandy once and he won’t stop calling! He says that she is the love of his life, and they only went out once. He even cries on the phone!

Edwin: I have changed now! I am not the man that I used to be…well that is what my profile says at “I lie to get love and I can’t tell the truth”.

Rick Landerson: I take you know him.

Edwin: I had to go to counseling because of her friend Beth…she farted on me! But, I am all good now!

Rick Landerson: So, Sandy is a member of the Farting College Women…she isn’t lying! Where are you other friends Sandy? They can’t help you now….give me sugar! I want you to get me off!

Rick unzips his pants. The other two women start kissing each other, and Rick Landerson directs Sandy to please him.  Sandy looks around and sees Beth, Mandy and Lusta Golden. Mandy has the video camera that is connected via a wireless connection to the local  media. Beth and Lusta Golden confront Rick Landerson.

Beth: Not, so fast Rick Landerson! You zip up your pants before there is hell to pay!

Rick Landerson: Hell, I have been there. I have sold myself to the highest bidder…I am slut to power and money! Money and control! Edwin get them!

Edwin: Yes, sir!

Edwin runs at Mandy, but doesn’t far!

Mandy: You are poor excuse for a man Edwin. You suck…your dick is so small that you have to have a flea get you off!

Edwin: Shut up Mandy…my cock is the biggest you will ever see!

Mandy: No it’s not!

Edwin: Yes, it is…ahhhhhhh!

Edwin walks away!

Rick Landerson: Edwin get back here, and get in the flight man. Am, I going to have to do this alone!

Beth: It looks like it… you bastard. We have all this on film: you trying to get someone to service you…now you must pay! And you are not going to get any change back!

Rick Landerson: I can get the tape! You have nothing on me!

Mandy: Yes, we do! We had a live feed right to the studio! Your career as a public official is finished. Your wife is on the way..she knows about your slut “adventures”.

The two half naked women sitting on Rick Landerson’s lap get up a scurry to the door and leave.

Rick Landerson:What are you going to do? I can pay you all…beyond your wildest dreams!

Beth: It isn’t time to pay us…it is time to pay up!

Rick Landenson: What are you doing? What are you doing…you are taking your pants off! No! I will be good!

Beth: I know you will be! I know you will be (ha, ha, ha, ha)

Beth Removes her pants and sits on Rick Landersons nose…and you all know what happens next!

Rick Landerson: please…all I wanted was a little release. I just wanted Sandy to give me a good time!

Beth: You wanted wrong…now I am going to fart on your face.

Rick Landerson: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beth’s Ass:ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! POOOO!
SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
IIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! BBBBBBBaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Rick Landerson: It smells…it smells! It burns!!! It burns!!!

Beth: My work is finished here! Let’s go watch a movie..ladies!

Sandy: Yeah..

Mandy: Yes, I agree!

Lusta Gold: Yes…I would love to see a movie!

The whole club stinks, so everyone left until the smell cleared! Rick is rushed to the hospital with burns on his face and head. They also had to surgically remove a piece of corn that got stuck in his face, because Beth’s ass reached terminal velocity! He is also getting counseling for his traumatic experience. His wife left him and his career is washed out!

FIN!  





The Farting College Women: Beth’s sweet pussy…poem?!!

16 01 2008

WARNING: ADULT MATERIAL. ADULT THEME.  ADULT CONTENT. ADULT LANGUAGE.

Beth: Hello everyone, this is a poem that I wrote just for fun.

Sandy: What is it about…Beth?

Beth: It is about my pussy…because it is the most beautiful of all.

Mandy: You are so vain…but I like it.  

Sandy: You are making me blush!!

Mandy: On with it Beth…let’s hear about your muff.

Beth: OK, here goes nothing.

I love my pussy because it is so fine,
because my pussy is so divine.  
I love to look at it all the time,
my sweet pussy of mine.

My pussy is hairy.
My pussy is strong.
My pussy will never be long, or
compared to like male ding-dongs.

I love to wash it in the shower.
I love it because it is a symbol of  power.
I love to go naked every hour.

You can forget cocks.
You can forget balls.
You can forget muscles.
You can forget all that testosterone sorrow.

My pussy is mine.
My pussy is hard to define.
My pussy is me…that is not weak, but alive.

My pussy shall overcome all.
My pussy shall never fall.
My pussy is the most grand one of all.

FIN
 





The Farting College Women: I farted in his face song part 2

1 01 2008

WARNING: GROSS HUMOR. ADULT CONTENT. ADULT THEME.  ADULT MATERIAL.

Mandy: Let’s do a part two of our song ‘I farted in his face song’! 

Beth: Hell yeah… I am all for that.

Sandy: Are you two just going to talk about it or are we going to do this?

Beth: Oh, we are going to do this…one, a, one, one, two, three, four…

Mandy: Wait, I have something to say, the veiwers might think we don’t like men!

Sandy: Oh, Mandy just play the song!

Beth: Mandy come on, they know it is not all men just assholes. Men and you know who you are…stop being assholes. OK, since we got that order of business out of the way…let’s play the song. It also works as a poem too.

Mandy: Vocals.
Beth: Base.
Sandy Drums.

He came to the door thinking he was going to get some.
He was all dressed up like he wanted to have fun.
He even brought some flowers and some candy too, hoping that I would give in and think he was not a fool.

He asked if he could come in with a tears in his eyes.
He said he couldn’t live without me; I could see right through his lies.
He said he had been crying, and wanted forgiveness too for pulling the phone out of the wall and breaking the front door like a fool.

He said he was sorry for treating me like shit.
He said he was sorry that he threw all those aggressive fits.
He said that he would never do it again.

That is when I had enough of his lying shit.
I farted. 
I farted.
I farted in his fucking face.

I pulled down my pants and my panties too and stuck my ass in his punk ass face.
He thought he was going to get some, and that I had forgiven him and he was about to get his way.
I pushed real hard without any haste and blew a fart of great magnitude without any disgrace.
He said nothing with a surprised look on his face.

That is when he told me you’re no fun.
He got up from the couch and started to cry, and that is when I waved goodbye.
He looked back at me as he walked to the door with shit in his face and with a couple of corn kernels stuck in his teeth.
The flowers that he had given me were all wilted away, and the candy that he had bought me had seen better days.

I farted.
I farted.
I farted in his fucking face.

He told me all he wanted was love. 
He opened the front door wiping the crap from his face.
He said that we where through, and he wanted out of this place.

I said Yeah!
I said OK.
I said see ya!

He got in his car and drove away.
That was the last time that I saw him anyway.
The phone calls have stopped.
There is no more stalking or bothering me at work, all because I farted in his fucking face.

Mandy: Thank you…and have a good night.

Beth: Remember everyone there are assholes out there and trust me farting won’t stop them. If you are stuck in a despotic relationship get out and get help. There are people in your community that can give you amnesty and direct you to services that can make your life much easier. Remember it shouldn’t hurt to live.





The Farting College Women: Beth’s Silly Sinful Holiday cheer…

24 12 2007

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. ADULT LANGUAGE. ADULT THEME. 

I know this love for gifts is wrong.
I know it isn’t right.
All I want to do is open my presents tonight.

The packages from me are all under the tree, and oh so nicely wrapped.  
I got Sandy some lacey underwear.
I got Mandy a big Dildo Cock.
I on the other hand have no idea what I got.

I sit under the tree with eggnog in hand wishing and hoping that Sandy and Mandy thought I was good this year.
I watch some TV and drink my eggnog, hoping that the light of morning shall be near.
I turn off the TV and  turn up the heat and get back into bed and snuggle up under the sheets.

I am restless for the mornings light to see what I got under the tree alright.
I hope I got a pair of g-string panties with a matching leather bra.
I hope I got the newest edition of the Karma Sutra with all new sex positions.
I hope that I got a dildo with a vibrating head.

I shall not dream tonight.
I shall not sleep a wink.
I shall be the first to go down stairs at early mornings light in my crotchless underwear.
 

Mandy will think I am crazy.
Sandy will think I am bizarre.
I on the other hand will love opening my presents in my classy derriere.  

Have a Happy holiday…everyone.

FIN





The Farting college women: Mandy Sings Country fart song…

5 12 2007

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. ADULT THEME. ADULT LANGUAGE.  

Mandy: Here is a sweet song about a bar encounter that went wrong.

Beth: Hell, yeah it went wrong…he was a real asshole.
 

Sandy: Come on you two let’s play the song.

Beth: OK, Sandy don’t get your panties in a wad. A one…a one…two…three…four!!!

Band Members:

Mandy Vocals.
Beth: Drums.
Sandy: Guitar.

Mandy Sings with a twang in her voice:

I knew it was love.
I knew it was love at first sight
when I saw him at the bar the other night.

He had on faded blue jeans with a big cowboy hat.
He wasn’t to big or too fat.
He looked like someone that I could love.

Love. Love. Love.
Emotional Love.
Love. Love. Love.
Emotional Love.
Love that only two can share.

He came over to me and asked me my name.
Then bought me a drink, and asked me if I wanted him.
I said no just leave me alone.

Then he threw a fit and asked me why not.
He said he needed love, the hardcore way.
He said he would wrap it up with a glove.

I said no, I don’t want your cock.
He got all emotional and stood with a stanch.
And then he asked me again… why not.

He said why are you leading me on this way.
And why are you at this bar if you don’t want to get laid.
You could get lucky today.

That was it.
That was all that I could take.
I knew I had to fart in his fuck ass face.

I pulled down my jeans
And my panties with lace.
I was showing everyone my ass all around the place.

He laughed at me.
Then chuckles came from here.
Then chuckles came from there.

I knew me and my rear would get the last laugh in here.
I motioned for him to come closer.
I motioned for him to smell my rear.

He put his nose deep in my crack.
That is when I blew a smelly one out of my ass.
Then he threw up all his beer and was driven to tears.

He ran out of the bar.
He got in his car.
And got the hell out of here.

 I finished my beer.
And covered my rear.
And I too got the hell out of here.

Love.
Love.
Love.
Sweet love….

FIN.





The Farting College Women:Thanksgiving Farting Spectacular..

30 11 2007

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT.  ADULT THEME.  ADULT HUMOR.

This is a holiday episode that you will not forget. Sandy is forced to go home for Thanksgiving, and she doesn’t want to go  home alone. It is up to her best friends Beth and Mandy to help her on her journey.

Mandy: It is finally Thanksgiving vacation. I don’t have to work, or go to any classes. I am going to sit on my ass, and watch TV the whole time.  

Sandy: Aren’t you going home for Thanksgiving? Don’t you want a home cooked meal, and see family members that you haven’t seen for a while.

Mandy: No, way after what happened at my parents dinner party, they don’t want to see me for awhile. And, besides it sucks seeing family members that you don’t see except at holidays, wedding and funerals. I just sit there and have nothing to say, they have no idea what is going on in my life. The more they ask about me the more I don’t say.

Beth: Hey, bitches. What’s up? It is Thanksgiving holiday, and I don’t have to go anywhere. I am going sit in my bedroom and fuck myself with my vibrator and watch porn.

Sandy: You are so nasty Beth. You make the holidays sound like dirty days.

Beth: Hell, yeah! I am not going home, and I am going stay here and eat tuna fish sandwiches and vinegar chips, that is a well balanced Thanksgiving dinner.

Sandy: Can I ask you two something? I have a big favor to ask…of you both.

Mandy: Yeah, what is it?

Beth: You know that you can tell me anything. We are good like that.

Sandy: You promise you won’t be mad?

Mandy: It depends on the question. You can’t borrow my fishnet stockings or my water squirting dildo.

Sandy: It’s not that.

Beth: Hurry up and tell us already.

Sandy: I want you two to fly home with me. My parents are begging me to go. They say they have a surprise for me. That is what scares me. I haven’t been home since I started college, and besides I already bought your tickets, so you can’t say no.

Mandy: Well, I guess I can go.

Beth: I can always sell my ticket to the highest bidder.

Sandy: Beth!!!

Beth: OK, bitch I got your back. When do we leave?

Sandy: Tomorrow morning at six am.

Mandy: Six am? Why the hell so early. I have to start packing now.

Beth: Hey, I am not sweating it. I am already packed. I got the clothes on my back.

Sandy: Beth, you need at least four changes of underwear, and something nice to wear.

Beth: Just joking I will be packed by tonight, but don’t expect me to put on some perfume, because I don’t go that route. I am not going to smell like fresh roses on a summers day for you or anyone.

Sandy: OK, you don’t have to wear perfume, but you do have to wear deodorant.

Beth: What do you think that I am…a heathen?

Sandy: No, but I want you to look nice.

Beth: Look, I am going to dress the way that I want to, or I am not going. I am not going to be someone that I am not. Do you got that.

Sandy: I a got. I got it. Wear whatever you want.

Beth: I hope your parents aren’t going to introduce you to a sperm chucker or something.

Sandy: My mom has been pushing marriage for the last few weeks. She thinks I need a man.  She hates me being alone in this big city without a man to protect me. She wouldn’t  go that low on a holiday would she?

Beth: Just because you are in your late twenties doesn’t mean you have to get married; it’s not the end of the world if you aren’t married Sandy. I wouldn’t put it past your mom….especially on a holiday to try to bring a “man” into your life.

Mandy: I have to agree with Beth. It happened to me…remember.

Sandy: Yes, I remember, and your mom hasn’t called since then.

Mandy: It is better that way. I will call her when I am good and ready. Right now, I have to pack.

Beth: Sandy please tell me you got us seats in the same row?

Sandy: No, I couldn’t in such short notice, but I am sure that you will be fine.

Beth: You know how I don’t like sitting next to people that I don’t know.

Sandy: Yes, but you will live.

Mandy: Maybe I will be seated by the man of my dreams.

Beth: Mandy…he doesn’t exist.

Sandy: There is no use crying over spilled milk. Let’s pack and have a nice trip.

The three women pack, and the morning comes too soon. The three women put their bags in Sandy’s car and drive forty five minutes to the airport. They go through security and find their gate.

Beth: I am glad we are at the gate. It took forever to get through security. Those guys are sure picky.

Sandy: They have to be picky…because it is the holidays.

Announcer: Flight thirty five one two will be departing in a half hour. Everyone can begin boarding now.

Mandy: That is us.

Sandy: I hope that coach is OK. We won’t know what seat we got until they scan our tickets.

Beth: It is fine as long as I don’t have to sit by some asshole.

Mandy: Beth you are such a fatalist.

Beth: Yeah…I wouldn’t want it any other way.

The flight attendant scans their tickets.

Sandy: Mandy you and I are sitting together, and Beth you are sitting across from us.

Beth: Just my luck.

The women walk on the plane and find their seats. They put their bags in the over head bins.  There is a guy sitting in the window seat looking very pissed in Mandy and Sandy’s row. Beth gets a window seat, but is stuck sitting with two college age guys.

Chad: My name is Chad.

Beth: My name is Beth. That is all that I am going to say.

Chad: I am not hitting on you.

Beth: OK, as long as we got that straight.

Chad: Where are you from?

Beth: I am from Earth.

Chad: I know that…where are you from?

Beth: A place.

Chad: Never mind…bitch.

Beth: Thank you.

The guy in the window seat sitting next to Mandy and Sandy is pissed off because they put him in coach. He is a rich freak actor and thinks that he is better than everyone else.

Mr. Ass-tooth: I am sitting in fucking coach. I deserve better than this; I am royalty. I want to sip champagne at thirty thousand feet and not some flat cola drink. It smells back here.

Mandy: Mr. would you please be quiet and shut up. My friend and I are trying enjoy our flight, and you are making it bad for us.

Mr. Ass-tooth: I most certainly will make it worse for you two. When I tell the flight attendant that you two are bothering me, because it is everyone else’s fault that I am the way that I am. I refuse to take the blame for any of my actions just like everyone else in society.

Sandy: That is why society is going to hell.

Mr. Ass-tooth:   I can say and do what I want…because I have money and everyone thinks I am a good guy. I am royalty among actors…you peasant chick.

Mandy: Oh, no he didn’t…he just call me a peasant chick.

Sandy: Calm down Mandy and let it go.

Beth sees her friends being bothered by Mr. Ass-tooth. Beth gets up and tries to get over to Mandy and Sandy’s row, bur Chad won’t let her.

Mandy: Beth… sit down! We can handle this…

Beth: The bastard is bothering you.  

Sandy: Beth…shut up.

Beth sits down and stares out the window. Chad laughs at her.

Mr. Ass-tooth: Do you know who I am…flight attendant these women are bothering me.

Flight Attendant: Are you bothering this man ladies?

Mandy: No, he is bitching about his seat. We just told him to shut up.

Mr. Ass-tooth: I was not bitching. They are accusing me of bitching. I am going to sue if these ladies don’t shut up.

Flight Attendant: You ladies better just be quiet. I don’t want any trouble.

Sandy: But, he…

Mandy: Shut up. We won’t have to see him after this flight.

Sandy: OK…we will be good.

Flight Attendant: Good…I am sorry Mr. Ass-tooth. We put you in the wrong seat. We have a seat for you in first class.

Chris: You damn right you do. Were is my seat?  And there better be some champagne and a nice soft pillow for me to sleep on. You peasant.

Flight Attendant: Right this way Mr. Ass-tooth.

Sandy: What an asshole.

Mandy: The guy has issues. I think he has a corn-cob up his ass…or something. Isn’t he the guy on TV that keeps talking about saving the earth, and dates all those anorexic stars with prescription drug problems?

Sandy: Yeah, I think so, he is one of those two-faced people that talk about one thing but mean another. The only reason why he has gone “green” is because it is in, and he can afford to have a cause and it makes him look good. It is OK to save the environment…if your heart is in it.

Mandy: You got that right.

Beth gets up to move over to Sandy and Mandy’s row.

Beth: Excuse me Chad. I am going to sit with my friends.

Chad: You can’t do that. This seat was assigned to you and this is where you stay…honey. You bitch!

Chad Grabs Beth.

Beth: I am warning you…you better let me go.

Chad: What are you going to do about it?

Beth: Break your balls.

Chad: I want to see you try. I have balls of steel, you skank.

Beth: OK, you just sealed your fate.

Beth punches chad in balls so hard that they crack like eggs. Chad at first let’s out a loud scream.  Then he just says nothing.  

Chad: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My ball..s…aaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! I am Sterile. I can’t reproduce!!! They are cracked. My balls are cracked.

Beth: I just took you out of the gene pool. You shouldn’t breed anyway…bye now. Remember, reproduction is a privilege not a right.

Chad: Why are you so mean? You fucked up my balls. I didn’t ask for this. I just wanted to get your attention and get me some loving in the airplanes restroom. I am sure you have a hot pussy.

Beth: What makes you think that I would bang you? I wouldn’t bang you even if the human race depended on it you…ball-less blunder.

Beth walks across the isle and sits with Mandy and Sandy.

Beth: Hey, Mandy. I believe that is my window seat.

Mandy: Be our guest.

Sandy: What did you do to that guy?

Beth: I punched him in the balls.

Mandy: You sure shut him up.

Mandy: I guess that is why he is doubled up in his seat and being nice.

Beth: Yeah, well the guy had it coming, enough about him.  I can’t believe Mr.  Ass-tooth was bothering you guys. The guy can’t act all he does is look pretty, and makes millions doing it.

Sandy: Hey, in today’s entertainment world you don’t have to have talent all you have to have is looks and know whose ass to kiss.

Mandy: And know what ass cheek to kiss.

The plane took off on time and the rest of the flight was uneventful. They made it to their destination and rented a car. They drove three hours to Sandy’s moms house and just pulled up to the driveway.

Martha: Hello, Sandy. It is so good to see you. Who do we have here?

Sandy: This is Beth and this is Mandy.  They are my best friends from college. This is my mom Martha, and my dad’s name is Frank.

Mandy: It is nice to meet you.

Beth: Nice to meet you.

Martha: It is very nice to meet you Beth and Mandy. Let my husband take your bags up stairs. Our other guests will be coming later on tomorrow. Frank get your ass over here, and take their bags to their rooms…you asshole.

Frank: Yes, mistress, don’t hurt me. I will take their bags up to their rooms, as long as you lick my ass raw.

Martha: I am going lick you later. You fucking bastard.

Frank: Yes…I would love that. Oh, please lick my ass raw.

Sandy: Mom…have you gone crazy?

Martha: You father and I are trying to save our marriage. It seems that sex is the only way to save our doomed downward spiral marriage.  Anyway, I have someone that I want you to meet. He just flew in today and will be here tomorrow for Thanksgiving dinner.

Sandy: You aren’t trying to push off a sperm chucker on me are you?

Beth: This place is as crazy as my parents house.

Martha: Sperm Chucker…I am not sure that I follow what you are saying dear. What was that you said Beth?

Beth: I said this house is as cozy as my parents house.

Martha:Oh…thank you. Frank and I are both retired, and all we do these days is stay home and screw.  Well, it is getting late, I am off to bed. FRANK get your ass to the bedroom now, and put on those fucking leather chaps!!!!

Frank: Yes, dear. Yes, my mistress. I will do your bidding. Please lick it. Then I want to lick your ass.

Martha: OK…I want you so much Frank.

Mandy: Sandy that is fucked up. Your parents are freaks.

Sandy: Well, they used to be normal until my mom caught my dad in bed with a dominatrix, and she has been punishing him since then. I didn’t know it was this bad. It sounds like their marriage is in jeopardy.

Mandy: Damn downward spiral marriages.

Beth: I am ready for bed. It is late. Do I need ear plugs…it sounds like your parents are going fuck all night.

Mandy: I was going to ask the same thing.

Sandy: They might make some noise, but not too much…just ignore them.

Sandy shows Mandy and Beth to their room. They get ready for bed, and jump under the covers. The three ladies fall asleep fast after Sandy tells them to shut up.  

Mandy: I think her parents are crazy. (whispering)

Beth: They are like a couple of college experimentalists.

Sandy: I am trying to sleep. Would you two please be quiet. We all know that my parents are freaks. Go to sleep.

Beth: Yes, they are, but they are kind of cool.

Sandy: Beth.

Beth: OK. OK. I will shut up.

The morning comes, and the three women sleep in until eleven, and by that time the guests are already arriving. Beth’s mom wakes them up.

Martha: Wake up. It is eleven. Sandy, Beth and Mandy get up.

Sandy: Why didn’t you wake us up sooner….mom. I could have helped you prepare dinner.

Martha: I wanted it to be a surprise. You three get ready and come to dinner. I have been cooking since five this morning.

Beth: Wow, we are going have a real home cooked meal.

Martha: Yes, and with all the fixings…Beth. (he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he)

Beth: That is a weird laugh.

Mandy: Yes, it is.

Sandy: She is just nervous. That is all.

Mandy: Keep telling yourself that…Sandy. Keep telling yourself that.

The three women get ready. Beth even wears something nice, and Mandy she goes all out.

Martha: Are you three ready?

Sandy: Yes, mom.

Martha: Sandy I want you to close your eyes. I have a big surprise for you. Take my hand dear.

Sandy’s mom leads her down the stairs and takes her to the table.

Martha: OK, open your eyes.

Sandy opens her eyes. Sandy couldn’t believe it, it is  Mr. Ass-tooth and Chad.

Sandy: Mom that guys an asshole, he made of fool of himself on the plane. He was bitching about having to sit in coach. And that other guy Chad got his balls crushed for being an asshole.

Chad: You damn right I did. I had to go to the emergency room and have them put back together again.

Martha: You know these guys?

Beth: They were on the plane yesterday, and made total asses of themselves.

Martha: Well, I guess introductions are out of the question. Please, sit down everyone, and take a load off. My husband will be right out with the main course. Frank get your ass in here…now.

Frank: Yes, Mistress. Yes, Mistress.

Mr. Ass-Tooth: I don’t know your daughter, and I wouldn’t bitch about being in coach I am a humble person. I am an environmentalist actor, and I don’t care about status, because we actors are above the curve in every way in Hollywood.

Beth: You mean corn-Cob-vile.

Mandy’s Mom: Shut the fuck up Ass-tooth. I thought you were better than that. I thought you cared about people. Get the fuck out of my house.

Mr. Ass-tooth: I didn’t say mean things to them on the plane. They are big fucking liars they want to ruin my reputation, my career, and my chances with you.

Sandy’s dad comes skipping out of the kitchen and drops the turkey on the table and skips back in the kitchen.

Sandy: Mom what is wrong with dad? He is wearing a superman suit, a cape, and bunny ears.

Beth: Cool. This house rocks.

Sandy: Beth?

Beth: Oh, sorry.

Martha: He is not right…but he is still your father. He has been like this since we started role playing. I forced him to be submissive, but playful.

Mr. Ass-tooth: Martha, please believe me. I would never call these fine women liars. That wasn’t me a couple of minutes ago. Please, I want you to know that.

Beth: Shut the fuck up Ass-tooth Martha is talking.

Sandy: Why is Frank so Submissive?

Martha: I told your father to stop being an asshole, and if he didn’t stop being an asshole and a controlling prick I would leave him. Well, I guess it worked, because I got the last laugh. Look at him running around in his superman tights.

Mr. Ass-Tooth: I thought you loved me Martha. I thought you cared? I thought that was why you invited me here today.

Sandy: What is he talking about mom…loving him.

Martha: Chad is your half brother.  Mr. Ass-tooth and I had a fuck fling and I became pregnant, before I met your dad. I thought I would bring everyone together for the holidays– family and illegitimate family. Chad Mr. Ass-tooth is your father, and I am your mother.

Chad: We are family. (crying)

Martha: I seems you are sterile, and can’t breed. It is better that way.

Sandy: Shut the fuck up all of you. You screwed ass-tooth, and had his spawn. What did you see in this man? He is butt ugly. Look at his fucking face. It looks like shit.

Martha: I don’t know. I think I was out of my mind.

Sandy: You think…

Mr. Ass-tooth: I am not that ugly, and with plastic surgery I am a prince. Look at my complexion…I love myself.

Beth: This is fucked up right here.

Mandy: I have to use the restroom, come on Beth.

The two get up and head for the restroom.

Sandy: You two stay right here!

Beth and Mandy sit back down. Sandy’s dad comes in and sits down.

Frank: What is wrong with everyone? Let’s eat.

Sandy: I just found out mom fucked ass-tooth and had Chad.

Frank: That is nice pass the butter.

Sandy: Aren’t you going say anything. Aren’t you the least bit concerned.

Frank: Let’s not talk about this at least for another slice anyway.   Everyone have a slice of Turkey. There is plenty. Eat up!

Mr. Ass-tooth: I will not have any turkey. I will not have any yams, until you say you love me Martha. I need you to love me…and stop fucking around with my feelings. I need more than just anorexic actresses with prescription drug problems. I need real love.

Beth: It sounds like you don’t know what love is…Ass-tooth.

Martha: I don’t love you. I never loved you. You are just some guy I banged. Frank and Sandy are my family…now. Aren’t we Frank?

Frank: Yes, mistress.

Mr. Ass-tooth: It looks like our bang created a son. I want alimony. If you can’t love me. Then I will sue you. Sue…you….you!!!

Beth: Shut the fuck up. You were never married to Martha to begin with, so how could you get alimony. You are delusional you bastard.

Mr. Ass-tooth: You damn right I am. Because, in today’s world greed rules and selfishness reigns supreme. And it is always someone else’s fault because no one wants to take the blame for their own actions. (he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he)

Beth: That is it. I am going let him have it.

Martha: Are you fucking stupid Ass-Tooth. You never knew you had a son until today.

Chad: I was raised by a pack of wild dogs. I am so glad that I know who my parents are, I needed this. It is too bad that I am sterile.

Sandy: Just remember Chad creating an offspring is a privilege not a right.

Mr ass-tooth: How dare tell me these things. I am going to sue all of you, because you hurt my feelings. Chad I am suing you because you are what has become of my sperm. Martha I am suing you because you took my sperm after we finished banging…it was my property.

Martha: That was property of yours that I wished that I never had.

Chad: You hurt my feelings…no one wants me.  

Beth: That is it. I have to let Ass-tooth have it.

Mr Ass-tooth: You are going to let me have it with what. I am an actor. I am above the curve, and this Turkey tastes like shit. Shit I tell you. I am leaving.

Frank: Well, you can just leave and not come back. I am just going to put an inflatable adult love doll in your place.

Mr. Ass-tooth: How dare you put a piece of plastic above me. This chair I am sitting in is not to be washed. I am a man a prestige…and taste.

Beth: You are going to taste my ass gas in a second.

Martha: I told you not to talk about that inflatable adult love doll in companies presents…Frank.  You know how much I love it and need it.

 Frank: Yes, mistress.

Mr. Ass-tooth: Why are you calling her mistress…Frank. You are more of a man than that.

Martha: He is three hundred times the man that you are once I turned him into a submissive little love freak.

Sandy: My parents are crazy. I need to leave this house. I need to be out of here.

Martha: Sandy, we are not not crazy. Frank and I are in love….in love.

Sandy: Do you call love having an adult love doll, and licking each others asses raw. You tought me no sex before marriage, I have lived up to that promise. What has happened to you…you are not my parents.

Mandy: Sandy has never had sex before?

Beth: Some how I saw that coming.

Martha: We have become sexual beings.

Beth: Sexual freaks is more like it.

Martha: Whatever Beth. Sandy, Beth, and Mandy and everyone can just leave. Get the fuck out of my house every last one of you.

Frank: Anyone want pie. We have apple, cherry, and pecan.

Mr. Ass-tooth: You are totally oblivious to what is going on around you Frank. You all are a bunch of peasants, and I am the lord of the manner.  You could have married the lord of the manner Martha, but you choose him: Frank peasent fuck-job. Fuck you all!

Beth pulls down her pants and exposing her red lace panties. Then she takes her panties off. Her exposing her beautiful hairy pussy.   Inside of her ass there are Turkey farts brewing. She has to fart on Mr. Ass-tooth before it is too late.

Martha: What are you doing Beth? You put your pants on now. This is not the time or the place for nude exploration, this is a holiday for hells sake.

Beth walks in slow motion toward Mr. ass-tooth. Mr. ass-tooth starts to run, but it is too late.

Mr. Ass-tooth: What are you doing Beth?

Beth: I am your worst nightmare…you prick.

Beth gets up on the table knocking off the mashed potatoes, and a couple of pies. She bends over and puts her ass in Mr. Ass-tooth’s face…and farts.

Mr. Ass-tooth: Get your ass out of my face. Damn…you! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Beth: I am going fart in your face. I am going to let it all go.

Chad: What the fuck.

Sandy: Let it go. Let him have it.

Beth blows the biggest fart that she has ever blown. It echos throughout the house.

Beth: This is not my first time I have done this.  I am going to fart in your smug ass face…Ass-tooth.

Mandy: She means business.

Ass-tooth: Martha help…me. You can put a stop to this nonsense.

Martha: She is a grown woman, and there is no stopping her.

Beth’s Ass: Pooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! OOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOO! OOOOO! POPOPOPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SSSSSSS!!!!!!! (Echo) OPPPPPPPPOPOPOPOPOPOSASSSSPODPSODASPDOPOSS! (Echo)!!!!!!

Beth: Damn that burns, but what a rush. I feel so much better everyone.

Mr. Ass-tooth: A….my eyes! They are burning! My skin is melting. I am Melting. I can taste turkey…and wine…and ham, and it came from her ass.  I am going to barf.

Mr. ass-tooth barfs all over the table. Everyone else just stares in amazement.

Chad: I think his plastic surgery is melting off his smug ass face.

Sandy: Damn face jobs. It isn’t worth looking like something that you are not!!

Mr. Ass-tooth: I am leaving. And you haven’t heard the last of me…Beth!!! I am going to get you and your farting friends.

Martha: I hope to not see you soon.

Frank: So long.

Beth: Bye…now.

Sandy: See ya!

Mandy: Bye!

Chad: Laters.

Mr. Ass-tooth leaves in a hurry. Everyone helps clean up the mess. The three spend the rest of holiday relaxing and having a good time at Sandy’s moms house.

Happy late Thanksgiving…everyone.

FIN





The Farting College Women VS Grey’s Colostomy

11 11 2007

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. ADULT LANGUAGE. ADULT THEME.  

This is the episode that you all have been waiting for, its the crossover of the century. The group from Grey’s Colostomy and the Farting College Women come together in one action packed show about relationships and other crap.

Meredeath Gloom’s Voice: There comes a time when you get gas in your ass and you just have to let it out…and now is the time. (p0000000000000000000000000)

Meredeath Gloom: Today sucks. I haven’t gotten any cock. Dork Smartass is tired of doing my shaved pussy. But, I feel that I won’t be sexy if I let my bush grow out.

Crusty Yank: Oh, what a dilemma…should I let it grow out or should I keep shaving it. You sound like you are still in college.    

Meredeath Gloom:  You shut the fuck up Crusty Yank.  Are you love starved again? Do you feel that you need a man to fulfill the lust that you have inside? Do you need a big cock to make your life whole?

Crusty Yank: No, I have a vibrator, and the last time that I checked you don’t have a cock either.

Meredeath Gloom:  I have a big cock and his name is Dork…OK.

Crusty Yank:  It isn’t my fault he stopped loving you. You’re such a bitch.

Meredeath Gloom: Yeah…that is right Crusty Yank I am a bitch. Don’t you have some patients to look after or something? I know Dork loves me, and we are made for one another.

Crusty Yank: Prove it… that he still loves you and I will go do my rounds.

Meredeath Gloom:  OK, Crusty Yank. I am going down to the OR and ask him if he wants to fuck my hot shaved pussy.

Crusty Yank: Right there in front of everyone? That I want to see.

Meredeath Gloom: Yeah…our love is as strong as a summer breeze during the hurricane season.

Crusty Yank: Prove it, and just keep telling yourself that he still loves you.

They walk down the hall to the OR. There are people in the emergancy room, but Dr. Gloom wants to prove her love.   Dr. Smart ass and Crass are working on a patient. Meredeath opens the OR door and takes off her clothes.

Meredeath Gloom: Take me Dr. Smartass I am feeling nothing but lust inside for you.

Dork Smartass: Get away. I don’t want to do you. You have no pussy hair because you shaved it all off, and besides I am in love.

Meredeath Gloom: In love with who? I am going to kick her ass. What is her name I demand to know? Is she a tramp? I can be a Tramp…please give me another chance. I can be a tart! You can’t just bang me for months and expect to get away with this you bastard.

Dork Smartass: I am not telling you her name. Why don’t you go treat some of your rich freak patients they need love too.

Meredeath Gloom: Don’t you want to do me in the supply room, on the copy machine, or on the toilet? I will let you do my tight ass. I don’t know you anymore.

Asslex Crass: Trust me your ass isn’t tight. It’s as lose as a piece sour dough bread with a hole in it on a hot summers day.

Meredeath Gloom: It is tight. My ass is grade A prime, and I want Dr. Smart-ass to explore it with his big lusty manhood stick.

Asslex Crass: He wants to put another notch in his bed post. You are old news Meredeath. (he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha)

Dork Smartass: Yes, you are right Dr. Crass. I am going through a mid-life crisis and I need a young college women to make me feel complete. I have gas. (poooooooooooooooo) Damn that is going to leave a stain.  

Meanwhile at the apartment. Mandy has another date this week, but as you know this is a cross over and can you guess who she is going out with on a DATE? It is none other than Dork Smartass, and Meredeath Gloom is pissed off beyond repair.

Mandy: I have a date tonight.

Beth: Oh, shit not another one. That is the second one this week! I thought you were done with sperm chuckers.

Mandy: He is a doctor, a real dream boat not a shit bomb like Edwin.

Sandy: A doctor. I can’t believe it you are moving up. Oh, Edwin called crying again. I think he was drunk or something.  He said that he wants to give your relationship another try, and that he didn’t mean to try to do you and make you shave your bush.

Mandy: Another try? There was no relationship we only went on one date. The guys a psycho.

Beth: Yeah, he is a psycho in the worst kind of shit bomb way.

Sandy: He is more than just a shit bomb, he is a freaking nut job asshole who likes to throw things and make women shave their bushes.  

Beth: Oh, yeah. You can say that once more…Sandy.

Mandy: My new man is a doctor… a surgeon if you ask. He is good with his hands if you know what I mean. That is what he said on his profile at: love me because I am desperate and a cheap lier  dot com. Here do you want to see his profile.

Sandy: He is cute. He is so dreamy. He says he makes a million plus a year. He says he wants to find love and live forever as soul mates in world filled with butterflies and flowers. I am going to cry.

Mandy: He is rich! But, money is not everything.

Beth: You have a profile at that sadistic Relationship web site. Are you fucking insane?  Don’t you know the people on that site are desperate and lie about seventy-five percent of the time.

Mandy: No, they said that they fully screen all members and they guarantee that you will find love and marriage within six minutes.

Beth: What the fuck six minutes. That is fucking unreal. You are on your own…you do what you want. I am out of here.

Sandy: Oh, how romantic. I wish I had a date with “good” hands!!! I wish I could find love and marriage in six minutes (tears in her eyes).

Beth: Are you going to let him do you tonight?

Mandy: No, silly it is our first date…tonight. But, I might let him get me off tomorrow night with his big ass doctor love pole. He says he has a big love pole on his profile. I assume that he is talking about his manhood.

Beth: What? A big love pole, that doesn’t make any sense. What is name?

Mandy: Dork Smartass.

Beth: What kind of name is that?

Sandy: That sounds like an assholes name. In fact his name means asshole.

Beth: Are you sure you want to go out with a guy named Dork?  

Sandy: That is crazy…you’re setting yourself up for a bad time.

Beth: Do you know what dork means?

Mandy: Yes.

Sandy: Well apparently not…because you said yes to the date. It means ridiculous person…

Mandy: OK, you both can stop now. I know what Dork means.

Beth: I am late for class. I have a big exam today. Then I am going to work.

Sandy: I have class at ten and then work at twelve I will be back at eight. bye!

(ring, ring, ring, ring)

Mandy: That is my cell phone. Hello. Hi Dork.

Sandy and Beth listen.

Dork: Hi Mandy. How is eight o’clock. Come meet me at the hospital. I have plans for you my love (he, he, he, he, he, he) just joking see you tonight at eight.

Mandy: OK…I will be there.

Beth: Where are you going?

Mandy: He wants me to meet him at the hospital. He has a weird laugh. What kind of guy wants a woman to meet him at his work?

Beth: We will be there at eight to make sure everything is OK. He better not try anything “funny”, because I have diarrhea. If he doesn’t watch it he might get a face full of diarrhea poo. My farts seem to be wet lately.

Mandy: That is more information than I want to know.

Sandy: I will leave work early, and go with Beth to the hospital.

Mandy: Thank you, you two are great friends. I am a little worried about this date.

Meanwhile back at the hospital Dork is planning his date with Mandy. Meredeath is going crazy knowing that Dork Smartass doesn’t love her anymore. Crusty Yank has a problem with one of her patients he wants to marry her.

Dork Smartass: Mandy and I are going to have a good time. I am going to take her to the hospital cafeteria for dinner, and then I am going to do her in the supply closet. That should be a very romantic first date. I deserve true love.

Asslex Crass: I heard Mandy is a member of the Farting College Women. Her friend Beth kicks ass and takes names later. These women have been known to blow huge ass blasters in evil people’s fucking faces.

Dork Smartass: Don’t worry Asslex I have plans for Beth. (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, wo, ha, ha, wo, ha, ha)

Asslex Crass:Ha, he, he, he, he, he, he, he…ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, he! What is your plan my evil confidant?

Dork Smartass: I know Beth will follow Mandy to the hospital, so what I am going to do is pretend that I am nice, and Beth will go away case closed.

Asslex Crass: That is the lamest fucking plan that I have ever heard. Dork you are a fucking dork.

Dork Smartass: That is my name don’t wear it out. (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha)

Asslex Crass: There was a guy who came in last week his name was Edwin he was barfing up his lunch and had fart gas burns on his smug face from Beth farting in it. Beth is dangerous. Here is what you do, you tell Meredeath that Beth is Mandy and then you and Mandy go “do” your thing. I know how much you love “doing” things.

Dork Smartass: Like a diversion. Yeah, that might just work. Meredeath is really pissed right now, she might just kick Beth’s ass.  Pussy heaven here  I come.

Asslex Crass: Meredeath…I don’t know about that Beth is crazy. But, I did get these surveillance photos of the Farting College Women. This one is Beth. Edwin told us Beth busted in on a romantic moment. Him and Mandy were about consummate their relationship, and Beth rushed in an took off her clothes and sat on his face and farted in it causing him to puke up his lunch and a have fart burns on his face. We had to put him in the disinfectant spray.

Meredeath comes running in to make Dork love her again.

Meredeath Gloom: Dork please I love you. I need you. You are my capitalist love muffin pie. Please, I will do anything. I will let you do anything including my ass. It is clean trust me.

Dork Smartass: I am in love with Mandy, and I don’t want to do your “tight ass”.

Meredeath Gloom: I am going to get that little tramp, and there is no one that can stop me. She took away my sugar man.

Dork Smartass: I am so glad that you call me your sugar man. Do you want to see a photo of her?

Meredeath Gloom: I do and you better show me. She isn’t sweetier looking than me, she doesn’t even look like your type. Hey, this photo looks like a surveillance photo.

Dork Smartass: No, she was experimenting with cameras. It just came out a little more grainier than unusual.

Meredeath Gloom: Oh…

Dork Smartass: She is coming to meet me at eight. We are going on our first date.

Meredeath Gloom: You are a fucking asshole Dork I don’t need a man like you. I am sorry. I do need you. Please don’t leave me.

Dork Smartass: Not now Meredeath I have to get ready for my date. I won’t be seeing anymore patients today.

Crusty Yank comes running to Meredeath she has found love in an eighty five year old man.

Crusty Yank:I am in love. I was checking Mr. Money in the penthouse suite and he said the most beautiful thing to me. He said that he wants to get married. He gave me a fifty thousand dollar a ring.

Meredeath Gloom: What a millionaire asked you to marry him. He already gave you a ring?

Meredeath Gloom: I am going to get you Mandy.

Crusty Yank: I am going to wear a white wedding gown. I am in love. He already proposed. Who is Mandy?

Meredeath Gloom: Would you shut the fuck up. The guy is old enough to be your Grandfather. How can you be in love when you don’t even know the guy.

Crusty Yank: I know him. We shared hospital food together. He said he was going to take me to Malian and then to Paris. He says he loves unshaven pussies.

Meredeath Gloom: He can’t even walk. His dick is probably a dried piece of flesh that smells like burnt sausage.  What the fuck am I going mad!!!

Crusty Yank: I have to go check on Mr. Money we have to make our wedding plans. Bye…. I don’t need a dick I have a vibrator (buzz-buzz).

Mandy Drives to the hospital and arrives at seven fifty eight. Beth and sandy follow her, and arrive at eight o’clock. Meredeath is really pissed off at the thought that Crusty Yank is getting married. She sees Sandy and Beth walk up to the hospital and enter. Meredeath meets Beth and sandy at the door thinking Beth is Mandy.  Meanwhile Mandy is with Dork Smartass.

Meredeath Gloom: Well, well, well if it isn’t Mandy. I am going to kick your ass.

Beth: I am not Mandy. My name is Beth. You got the wrong person I assure you.

Meredeath pushes Beth.

Beth: What the fuck lady? My name is Beth. Here is my drivers licence…bitch!

Meredeath Gloom: If you are Beth then were is Mandy?

Sandy: Mandy is our friend. We have no idea where she is, we are looking for her too.

Meredeath Gloom: Then you are the enemy.

Beth: I am not sleeping with you.

Meredeath Gloom: What?

Sandy:  What are you talking about…Beth. No one is sleeping with anyone.

Beth: Nothing never mind. We need to find Mandy.

Meredeath Gloom: Where are you going?

Beth: We are going to find Mandy.

Meredeath Gloom: Oh, no you are not. I am calling security.

Beth: Shit lady our friend might be in danger.

Meredeath Gloom: If you call being danger, from Dork slowly sliding off her clothes and putting his power pole inside of hot cum hole. Where did I go wrong. We were so in love.

Sandy: Would you shut up?

Beth: Correction…would you shut the fuck up.

Meanwhile in the hospital cafeteria. Dork put some cheap candles on the table that he got from patients rooms. The cafeteria lady throws their trays on the table, and then scratches her ass an then walks away.

Dork Smartass: Thank you for the dinner Hilgra.

Mandy: What is this food?

Dork Smartass: To tell you the truth I have no idea, but who cares. Eat up I have plans for us.

Mandy: A moon lit walk by the beach holding each others hands and kissing as the wind blows through our hair.

Dork Smartass: No.

Mandy: A romantic movie with popcorn and soda.

Dork: Nope.

Mandy: What then?

Dork Smartass: A romp in the supply closet. We can take these candles in there. It will be so romantic. The janitor has a little table that I can prop you up on, and there is a mirror on the wall. I am the fairest one on of all, and I can show you my best fuck face (oh, yeah, oh yeah).

Mandy: Somehow I saw this coming. OK…whatever.

Dork Smartass: Are you ready. I know I am.

Mandy: Let me finish my dinner first.

Yes, Mandy finished her dinner. It gave her the worst gas that she ever had. The gas was so painful. That she had to walk very slowly to the storage closet. They got in the storage closet and dork took off his clothes, and slowly undressed Mandy. Mandy was now naked in front of Dork Smartass.

Dork Smartass: We are all alone. I want your sweet pussy of lust. I am going to take off all my clothes, and I want to undress you.

Mandy: OK.

Mandy lets Dork take off her clothes.

Dork Smartass: You have the sexiest body that I have ever seen. You don’t shave your pussy you are all natural. Your tits are perfect… I want you now.

Mandy: OK, but first let me blindfold you. And I want you to lay down on your back. I have a big surprise for you.

The gas in Mandy’s ass was building. It was painful and in a few minutes it would all over Dork’s face.

Dork Smartass: Dork loves surprises. Dork always has (he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he).

Mandy: I am going to sit on your face.

Dork Smartass: Oh please sit on my damn face.

Mandy: Don’t worry I will. I am going to put my butthole on your nose.

Dork Smartass: Oh, yes….

Mandy pulls off the blindfold, and puts her ass on Dorks face. Then lets a huge fart so bad that Dorks eyes burn. He is forced to go to the emergency room to have his eyes washed out.

Mandy: Here it goes. (POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssSSSDSDSD OHHoOOooOOOoooOoooooossssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!

Dork Smartass: AH! My Eyes. I am melting. My Eyes. I am melting.

Dork runs down the hall naked into the emergency room. Doctor Crass just laughs and says I told you so, Mandy puts on her clothes and walks out.

Dork Smartass: Help me! Help me someone my eyes are on fire. My beautiful face.

Crusty Yank: Lay down Dr. Smartass.  I am going to irrigate your eyes (cheesy music in the background) it looks you have third degree fart burns on your face. You will be fine just rest. I have to go see my future husband…bye.  

Asslex Crass: Call Meredeath Stat. I want her to see this.

Intercom: Meredeath Gloom to emergency. Meredeath Gloom to emergency.

Meanwhile out in front of the hospital.

Meredeath Gloom: I am going to have you arrested for trespa..

Intecom: Meredeath Gloom come to the emergency room. (Cheesy music in the background and everything is in slow motion)

Meredeath Gloom: Get out of here I don’t want to see you two again. If I see you and Sandy here again. I will have you arrested for trespassing.

Beth: This is a hosptial, you can’t do that. We live in your hospitals zone.

Meredeath Gloom: Are you OK? Oh, my love did Mandy hurt you. Let me see your wounds.

Dork Smartass: OK. Can we get back together. I hope you don’t see me as too disfigured.

Meredeath Gloom: NO, I am want to do you tonight after we have put you in the disinfectant spray.

Asslex Crass: I told you dork not to mess with The Farting College Women. You look so funny Dork with that cold pack on your smug ass face.

Meredeath Gloom: Shut up Asslex. I am going to get you Mandy and your Farting Friends ( He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he!!!)

Dork Smartass: Yeah, shut up Asslex.  Meredeath give me some lovin, and get those evil Farting College Women for me…avenge me.

Meanwhile in front of the hospital Mandy comes out and Beth and Sandy Are waiting.

Mandy: I farted in his face. He was such a jerk and all he wanted was one thing.

Beth: Well, can we go home now. I am proud of you.

Sandy: I am ready.

They get in their cars and go home and have a great movie night.

FIN.