The Memoirs of a Fart Dominatrix…the first ten days! (part 3 of 10)

3 03 2008


After I got kicked out of the rich freaks house for farting.  I called for a taxi on my cell phone. The taxi was there in five minutes, and as I was leaving the house I saw people running out. They were coughing and some were barfing. The smell that I had released out of my ass had left a lasting impression.  It was the first big party I had gone to at a rich freaks house, and it would probably be my last.

You see the rich are funny they pretend to sympathise with those that are less fortunate than them. They are fake.  This is the case with the rich freak…she wanted her husband to win the election, but she didn’t want real homeless people in her house. You see it is one thing to talk about helping the poor and homeless to get votes, but actually helping the homeless and poor is another thing. You see she loves the power of knowing that she is better than everyone else, and with her husband winning the election…well, she would be on top. 

You see most rich people have no idea what it is like to be poor.  Thus, it is the same for politicians—they don’t give a shit about the poor. I would like to see a non rich person run for office—fat chance that would ever happen. Most of the people that get into office are rich to begin with, so all they do is help themselves and those like them. Leaving the middle class and the lower classes holding the bill. Well, should I say mostly middle class holding the bill.

The taxi cab driver asked me “where to”? I told her to downtown. She drove me downtown, and let me out in front of this coffee shop called “coffee and Venus” it is the only adult coffee (no one under twenty permitted) shop where customers are allowed to drink their coffee in the nude. I am freak! I just love their espresso!

I sat at a table waiting for my espresso and reading book on socialism, that I had picked up at a small bookstore downtown.  A woman with a beautiful body and smile brought me my warm drink. She had a sadness about her. She asked me if I needed anything else. I said no! I asked her, her name. She said her name was Olivia. Nice, to meet you, I said.  She turned around and went back to the bar!

I thanked her and then went back to my reading. I was mid-way through my cup of espresso when a man came in and grabbed Olivia by the hand and took her outside. I felt obligated to find out why the guy came inside and took her outside in such a forceful manner. The other employees looked worried, the guy at the espresso bar grabbed for the phone. I got up and asked what was wrong? The guy at the bar told me that her stalker ex-boyfriend was bothering her again, and the she had a restraining order against him but that didn’t stop him. He almost put her in the hospital one time.

You see there are men that can’t take a hint. They are bastards, and when they are down on their luck they come looking for their ex-partner. These sick fucks have to have love, and  control. Inside they are nothing but insecure bastards!

I walked outside and saw that he had pushed Olivia to the street and kicked her and went to hit her. I stopped his fist from striking her with my hand. He called me a bitch, and told me to get lost. I told him that he wasn’t supposed to hit women, and that he wasn’t brought up right. I told Olivia to go back inside and call the authorities. She got up and went inside.

He took a swing at me. I just grabbed his wrist and twisted it! He screamed in pain and told me to leave him alone. He couldn’t take it. He started crying, I pushed his ass to street. Everyone in the street saw him crying. He begged me not to hit him. He was balled up in a little ball. He quivered with fear. I asked him how that felt, he just whimpered.

There he was in the street crying like the little asshole that he was. I told him that was the last time that he would ever talk to Olivia again. And if he came around or even bothered her again he would face serious pain. . He called me a freak and got to his feet. He got in his car and drove away.

I went back inside to see if Olivia was OK. She was fine just a little shook up. I drank the rest of my espresso, and was just about to leave when the guy came back. This time he had his friends with him. He walked to my table and told me to get up. I ignored him, and kept reading. This of course made him mad. His friends laughed at him. That made him more mad, because he is one of those insecure types. He grabbed my wrist and pulled, that was it I had enough. I told him to come closer. I pulled down my pants and I farted in his face…the fart went on and on, and it was a little wet. He got chucks of crap in his face. Everyone in the coffee shop laughed at him. He got up and ran out and was never seen again.

I tipped Olivia and paid for my drink and left. The employees at the coffee shop thanked me as I walked out the door.


Deadbeat offspring creator.

23 10 2007

There once was a man who loved to create offspring(s). He had an offspring here and an offspring there. He had an offspring everywhere. He just couldn’t keep his despotic tool in his pants. Well, he came across a rich woman, and he wanted so badly to get her pregnant, so he could marry her an live happily ever after. Well, he finally did marry her and got all kinds of toys and riches beyond his wildest dreams. They had an offspring together.  Then their marriage feel apart and he was without money. What did he do he tried to get the offspring, so he could get money out of her. He didn’t care about his other offspring that was born into poverty, all he cared about was the money.  Yes ladies and gentleman money talks in a real big way. Here is his not so nice story.

* Deadbeat offspring creator is : Beven Fibbernight.
* Girlfriend one is: Liz
* Girlfriend two is: Candy Green
* Secuirty Guard: he is just himself.
* The Judge: he is the law.

Beven: I am leaving you. I can’t stand this crappy hell hole that we are living in; we are dirt poor and I need money.

Liz: You can start by getting a job. I am with offspring, and it is yours. Because, you insisted on not wearing a condom, and that you couldn’t get me knocked up. Well, I think you can because I have living proof growing inside of me.

Beven: I don’t give a rats ass!  I have casted my seed throughout the land of milk and honey (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha), and you are just another notch on my bed post (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha)!!!

Liz: Why do you say such hurtful…stupid things?

Beven: Because I am a star, and I have talent. I can dance and sing…bitch!!

Liz: Yes, “talent” if you think having talent is premature ejaculation and skid marks in your under shorts.

Beven: I make you cum every-time. I love my tool of lust.

Liz: Ha…that is a laugh I fake it every-time just to get you out of me.

Beven: Oh, well at least I get my rocks off, and my cum is as good as gold. I am out of here, and don’t expect a dime from me when I become rich and famous. I can dance and sing…and I am a model.

Liz: You don’t have a dime, but you might have a couple of pennies. Where are they?

Beven: You just wait and see I am going to dance and sing, and I will be swimming in cold hard cash. And you can’t have any!!! I will be on the “A” list before you know it (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha).

Liz: Bye….I don’t need you. You deadbeat offspring creator.

The dirty poor jester (Deadbeat offspring creator Beven) leaves Liz in search of fame and fortune. He goes to a cesspool called Hollywood where he meets his ticket to fame an fortune.

Beven waits in line for his grand opportunity at a talent search. He pushes his way to the front of the line.  

Beven: I am here for the talent search. I can sing and dance…forget all these fucks.

Crowd: Who are you calling fucks?

Beven: Take it easy I was only joking.

Talent Agent: Yeah, just like the rest of these aspiring…”talented” people. Go to the back of the line.

Beven: Take it easy guy…I have what it takes. Here is ten dollars for first place in line.

Talent: Ten dollars that isn’t crap I make that much in five minutes…to the back of the line or get the fuck out of my face.

Beven: Whatever, you freak. I don’t need your line…I don’t need anyone (crying).

Everyone claps and yells bravo!!! Beven thinks they are serious. He does a silly little dance for them, but no one laughs or even cares. The crowd goes back to waiting in line. Then he sees an actress that catches his eye.  He sees candy Green an actor, but all he sees is green.

Beven: Do you know where I can get some…food? I am a little lonely…I just arrived in town.  I have no friends in this city called Hollywood.

Candy Green: There are lots of places to eat can’t you see? All you have to do is just pick.

Beven: I didn’t mean me…by myself. I meant with you.

Candy Green: Are you asking me out?

Beven: We are both stars, and stars always “date stars”.

Candy Green: I haven’t seen you here before. What movie are you working on?

Beven: I am not working right now, but I am dancer. I can sing; I am a star.

She went to lunch with him, and from that day on they dated. He lived at her house…always claiming that we was going to get his big break. Well, there was no big break. He was a gold digger without a plan. He got choppers and clothes and bling-bling of all kinds.

Candy Green: We have been dating for six months, and you still haven’t got a job. I am late, I might be carrying an offspring.

Beven: That is good we can get married. I will not have an offspring out of wed lock. I am man of morals.

As Beven told her how much he “cared” his ex-girlfriend texts him  letting him know that she had the offspring into poverty. He texts her back and says that it is not his and he never knew her, and she will not get a cent of his celeb money.

Beven: I will be right back. I have to answer this text message.

Candy Green: Who is it? This is no time to answer a text message.

Beven: Yes, it is a good time. I will tell you when it is a good time…you shut up!

Candy Green: Stop being an asshole.

Beven: That is right I am an asshole…but I can sing and dance.

Candy Green: I am out of here…get out of my house!!!

Beven: I didn’t mean it. Please don’t kick me out…I am going to be a star. I am going to sing and dance…and model.  I am going to sing and dance into riches beyond our wildest dreams. I am going to get movie and record contracts.

Candy Green: Yeah, well you sure have a fine way of showing it.

Beven: I do don’t I, and soon the contracts will be coming in. I am such a stud. Would you marry me, so we can live happily ever after.

Candy Green: Yes, I will marry you. I am so in love with you.

Beven: I have a special present for you. It is your engagement ring…look how it shines, and look how expensive it looks. Here…let me put it on your hand.

Well, the engagement ring was bought with her money, so basically she bought her own ring. And when he asked her to marry him he wasn’t thinking of love, all he was thinking about was the bling-bling and his new toys. They got married and the offspring grew inside of her. He continued his partying and playing and drinking and doing other “things”. He was the greatest Deadbeat offspring creator of all time.

Candy Green: I have something to tell you.

Beven: I am playing my new video game…not now. I am going to party at seven pm.

Candy Green: OK, well I am going to a photo shoot.

Beven: I will see you after a while. I have to go pick up my new motorcycle, and the new car that I bought see ya.

Candy goes to the photo shoot, and then has lunch with her lawyer. She is thinking about divorcing Beven, but she fears he might try to get everything. She made a big mistake by not signing a prenuptial agreement. Because,  you see people these days have no respect all they want is money, and Beven is no exception. Then the months went by and the offspring was born. Beven continued to party his ass off even more leaving Candy Green at home to attend to the offspring’s needs.

Candy Green calls Beven on his ceil phone to come to the house.  

Candy Green: Beven we need to talk.

Beven: I know honey, but I have to finish this poker game. I am not having a good day.

Candy Green: I have canceled all of your credit cards and cancelled all your accounts. I want a divorce.

Beven: You bitch…how could you do this to me. You have emotionally hurt me and I am going to take you to court. I want the offspring it is mine and you are going to pay. I am coming home to talk some sense into you….bitch.

Candy Green: I have a good lawyer, and I am going to fight you. (Click the asshole hangs up)

When Beven comes home he finds that the locks have been changed. He bangs on the door, and no one answers. His new motorcycle and car have been sold. His cloths are all at the front door.

Beven: You let me in your freaking bitch. I am going to sue you. I am…going to sue.

The security guard comes out to escort him off the property.

Security guard: Beven don’t try anything funny. I have to escort you off the property.

Beven: Don’t touch me or I will sue you. You are just a security guard and I am a star.

Security guard: I don’t think you are star. You are a deadbeat offspring creator.

Beven: How dare you say that. I love my offspring. It is my life. I will have you fired.

Security Guard: Fired…ha! You stupid dirty bastard.

Beven: I am not stupid you are stupid, I am star and you are security guard.

Secuirty Guard: You are a deadbeat offspring creator.

Beven: I am not. I am out of here. I don’t have to take this anymore. I am going to go party and get a record contract. I can dance and sing, and even model. I have talent and you don’t.

Security Guard: You just keep telling yourself that you have talent. Have a nice evening.

Beven: I will, and this time next week I will be back in Candies arms.

Security Guard: Yeah, whatever.   

Beven goes and parties, and he crashes out at his “friends” house. In the morning when he wakes up he finds divorce papers on the front door step. He gets pissed and then goes crazy. It is all over for him–the money, the toys, the parties. He is nothing without his “rich” wife. He is a talentless deadbeat asshole with no where to go. He decides to get custody of the offspring so that she will have to pay marital support so he can continue his “gold digger” lifestyle.

Beven: How dare you serve me divorce papers. I was good to you, and you repay me like this. I am taking you to court I want the offspring it is mine.

Candy Green: Fat chance of you getting the offspring you were never there for it and me. All you did was party.

Beven: I love the offspring. I am caring father who wants only the best for his offspring.

Candy Green: All you care about is the money. You don’t give a rats ass about your other offspring’s because they are all poor. You think you can win in court…well all I say is bring it on bitch.

Beven: I will, I have a great law team.

Candy Green: How can you afford a law team? You don’t have shit for money.

Beven: I do have some money saved…from you.

Candy Green: That is really smart Beven using my money against me.

Well, a court case soon ensued. Beven was not going to let anything come in the way of the money that he though was his. He made the public think that he was the best offspring parent the world had to offer. He made his wife look like a bad parent. Well, Beven is just about to learn his lesson. Here is the closing arguments in their custody battle.

The Judge: Beven…the jury has found you to be an incompetent parent. You have never been there for your offspring. You have made you ex-wife look like an unfit mother only for personal gain, so that you might get offspring support.  You have not paid offspring support to your ex-girlfriend, and you are ten thousand dollars behind on back support payments.

Beven: You are wrong…judge. I am a star and that bitch over there is nothing but a bitch.

Judge: Shut up and stop being redundant…Beven, or I will hold you in contempt of court. You are to start paying offspring support to you ex-girlfriend. And your ex-wife wants you out of her life.

Beven: What will I do for money. I need money!!!!!!!! Money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Money!!!!!!!!!!! I have no more toys. I have no more motorcycles. What am I going to do…damn you judge.

Judge: Get a job…you might have to work at burger emporium.

Beven: I will never work at burger emporium…I am a star. My hands and feet are as good as gold.

Judge: Yeah, whatever. I am going to bring out the violins.

Beven: My lawyers are going to appeal this, aren’t we you guys.

Lawyer: Sorry you ran out of money. We can’t help you anymore. See ya!

Beven cries a huge river as he leaves the courtroom. His ex-wife goes on to make thirty more movies, and his offspring never gets to know him. He is homeless still claiming that he is a star. He is now a professional begger and smells like shit.