The farting college women: Beths breakup…short.

1 03 2008


Beth sticks her ass in his face and lets a fart go without disgrace.
He asks why must you fart this way?  (He gags from the smell).

Farting is my game cries Beth.
He wipes his eyes, and says what a bad game!
Yes, she cried. It is a bad game.

I don’t desire you, cried Beth.
He asks her why not.
She replies I feel nothing for you, therefore we don’t exist as a couple anymore.

Who are you going to love?
I will love not you,
I will love her.
I am through with lust poles.
I am through with the drama from you and all the baggage that you conceal.
Therefore we are no more.
They go their separate ways…never to be again!


The Farting College women: Beth’s advice…oh yeah!

1 03 2008

Warning: Adult Material. Adult Content. Mature Content.  


Oh, why has Beth taken me from him?
Why must love go astray.
Oh, sweet passion were are you?

I wanted him.
I felt he was the one deep inside of my spherical existence.
There is no…him and there is no love.


You were better off without him Fair Maiden Sandy.
He led you astray,
all he wanted was your melons…OK.


My melons?
How dare you say such things are you a friend or foe?
All he wanted was a cup of tea and to walk hand-in-hand through the park of dreams and emotions.


A cup of tea…my ass?
The park…ha!
A cup of lust with extra cream is more like it, and
let me tell you his cream doesn’t come from cows!
All he wanted was your lust hole…and maybe your bumhole,
and not exactly in that order!


Are you saying he wanted me for  one thing?
He wanted to have “relations” with me?
That is prosperous.


What planet are you from?


I am very mad at you…Beth.
Look at his e-I am true are you account?
Look at the words that he wrote…he is a poet.

His account:

I need someone to complete me. I need a better half, because right now I am only half whole. I need to find the woman of my dreams…could you be that woman? I am a man of loneliness and desperation. I am a man that makes the world sing, streams flow, and the stars shine! I am a man of dreams and pleasure. Dreams and pleasure. I am crying tears now. Oh, please come and save me!


Very touching lines,
it is lies all lies.
He is a poet in many women’s eyes.
Have you ever wondered why he is on the site? I mean look at his words of desperation, if he is all those things that he says he is, then why isn’t he with someone? That is the question to ponder.


Oh, why must you make me feel this way?
Oh, must I deal with these feelings of pain and pleasure.
Oh, the humanity.


Drop the drama queen act.
Let’s go watch a movie.




Note: To find out what these characters are talking about. See the Farting women: The adventure at the lust package (the trilogy).

The Memoirs of a Fart Dominatrix…the first ten days! (part 2 of 10)

29 02 2008


Day 2: After leaving the club at three in the morning, I felt tired. I went home and slept through most of the next day. I got up and ate some fiber. It would give me gas, and that is exactly what I wanted.  Then I went out, being a fart dominatrix is hard sometimes to exist among the “normal” people.

As I walked downtown the sidewalk was filled with passersby. Today I wore normal clothes—cargo pants and  my “don’t worry the world is an illusion” tee shirt. I passed a couple of people yelling about their organization. They had huge signs up that said, “you all are sinners we have the cure”.  What are they trying to cure, I thought? I feel fine!  

They walked up to me and taunted me calling me a sinner. They told me to come to their meeting tonight, and that if I didn’t I wouldn’t be saved. Who are they to say who is going to be saved, and who is not. Humans, always trying to make themselves into (false) prophets. I am sure the first thing they do at their meeting is pass the money tray around, after they have told you that you are going to burn, so that you will come back next time and give them some more money in their little tray.

 These two got everyone’s attention on the street, and tried to make an example of me. Well, what they were saying didn’t embarrass me or bother me. It just distanced me more from humanity. There are some people that need to harass others to make themselves look good, and they somehow think that by tauting and embarrassing others excuses them from their own “sins”.

One of the people that tauted me got in my face. His breath smelled like crap, which reflected the crap that was coming out of his mouth. As he yelled I kept walking.  I let them have their say, and then I walked away. I walked down the street a little further. There was a guy selling yard sale crap, he asked me if I wanted to buy something. I refused…and he flipped me off and called me a bitch.

You see we live in a me, me, me, society filled with people who can’t take responsibility for their own actions, and people that want revenge. Because, in today’s society it is always someone elses fault. Our own leaders can’t take reposiblity for their own actions. It is a fucked up world.

I decided to go into a store. I wanted to buy something for my friend who was feeling down. I bought the gift and as I was paying for it there were a couple of ladies laughing at me. They were calling me names under their breath—they didn’t like what I was wearing, because in today’s world it is all about the material things.  I just ignored them. Let them have their laugh  I said, and then let them go back to their debt infested existance.

I ate dinner at a small resturaunt called “The Fly” I had a steak sandwich with fries, and a beer to wash it down. I was just about to finish my dinner when a couple of ladies came over to me. They sat down, and I tried to ignore them. They invited me to a dinner party at six pm. I couldn’t figure out why they would ask someone like me. I didn’t know them, and I sure the hell wouldn’t associate with people like those two. They looked like they had corncobs up their asses.

Then the lust hit me. I had to fart on someone, so I told them that I would be there. They said good. So I went back to my place and got ready. Then at five thirty,  I took a taxi to the address they had given me. It was a huge house on the rich freak side of town. I double checked to make sure that the address was correct, and it was. I paid the taxi cab driver and she wished me luck. I said thanks. I stood there on the street and watched her drive away. I thought to myself this is my last chance to run.

I walked up the big steps and knocked on the front door. One of the ladies that had invited me let me in. I found out that she was a political freaks wife, and she was doing charity work to make him look good. She asked me to come in, and I accepted. She told me she was doing a dinner for all the homeless people in the city and she thought that I was homeless when she asked me. I told her that I wasn’t.

She got pissed off and told me to act like I was homeless, and that this dinner party was to get her husband votes. She took me in one of the back rooms and had her staff makeup artist make me look homeless. I went along with the game, because tonight I was going to fart so big and proud on national TV at this rich freak home.

There were hundreds of people there as I walked out from getting my makeup done. There were TV crews, and all kinds of media personalities.  I found a place at the table. I sat next to a man. He asked if I was homeless and I said no. He told me that he was an actor. He said this function was to make people think that the candidate running for office cared about poor people. He told me that half the people in here were just actors, and I was one of the five people that they got off the street.

The candidates wife came up and gave a speech! I am a compassionate human being, and tonight I let everyone eat, she said. You see my husband knows what it is like to be poor. He has read the statics and it is not easy being poor. This party shows you all that he does know what it is like to be poor. I felt the gas inside my ass reaching terminal velocity. I couldn’t hold it any more.

I would throw my fart like a person throws their voice. I let the fart go. The fart went something like this: poooooooooooooooo! oooooooo! shhhhhhhhh! People started to look around. She stopped in mid speech and asked the people who farted. No, one said anything. Everyone started to smell the nasty fart that I had just released, and everyone ran out the door…a couple of people barfed including the candidates wife.  

Well, in a few weeks the votes were in, and well the candidate lost. It was found out after some research that canidates wife had hired actors to play homeless because she didn’t like “dirty people” in her house. The actors were hired with tax payers money. You see rich freaks are fake on the outside, and two faced on the inside.  That is all for this day.


The Memoirs of a Fart Dominatrix…the first ten days! (part 1 of 10)

28 02 2008


What have I become? I have become a creature so vile, so twisted, so hideous. I walk the world lusting to blow off huge farts on people that desire me…oh the humanity of it!

Day 1: I walked downtown all dressed up and all alone. A person like me should be with someone, but I am not a mortal and don’t need such trivial things like “love” and “desire”.  It was a cold winters night.  I stopped and ate at a small cafe downtown. I had an extra helping of beans, legumes, and a beer to wash it down. The farts grow deep inside of me—inside a lust was building that I couldn’t contain. I felt it was now or never, I needed someone to fart on. I met this guy at the cafe. He said his name was Edwin.  

He wanted to get to know me. He said that he had been hurt by a woman named Mandy. He said they were meant to be and then he started crying.  I didn’t desire him, I didn’t sympathize with him, the asshole probably deserved to get hurt.  But the lust was building in me, taunting me, caressing me like a lover to pass the gas from my ass.

We talked for some time. He hinted over and over that he wanted to go to my place. He said that he wanted to see my tattoos. I told him I had a big tattoo on my ass, and one near my pussy. He said that turned him on.  He liked my dark eye shadow, and black finger nail polish and jet black hair. He asked me if we could go back to my place and dress in leather and role play for awhile. I wasn’t interested. I said NO!

 I avoided him emotionally, I avoided getting any closer to him than I had to. I became bored with him. He went on an on about himself. He never let me get two words in. I decided to get up and leave. He begged me not to go…with huge tears of selfishness in his eyes. I insisted that I leave this instant. He demanded that he wasn’t going to let me go, so I asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted pleasure. He said we could do it out back.

I gladly said no! I mean what kind of asshole, asks for pleasure after an hour. Who does he think that I am? Well, he excused himself to the restroom, he said he had to go pee. I am sure that he is the type of guy that doesn’t wash after using the toilet. I slipped out the front as he went to the restroom. I thought to myself I would be a  block away before he even knew that I was gone.

The city sounded alive as I walked toward one of my favorite clubs the music was just right there. I was in the mood for some dance music that makes me groove. I entered the club, and  I paid the cover charge.  I walked in and went to the bar for a drink, I had to get out on to the dance floor very soon.

Ten minutes after I had been there Edwin came in, he had followed me from the cafe. Fucking stalker type, insecure fuckers. I was dancing out on the floor when he found me. He was mad, and told me to leave with him now. I said no! He told me that I was his, and we were in love. This guy is a nut, I had only known him for about an hour, and he was already saying that we were in love.

I decided that I would fart on him in the middle of the dance floor. I asked him to dance we got out on the dance floor and I pulled up my dress exposing my beautful body.  We both were dancing and I told him to move closer to my ass. He did, and as I was dancing I farted in his face. The problem with this fart was that it was wet, and some of the wetness stuck on his face. Everyone in the club laughed, and Edwin just walked out of the club not saying a word. I spent the rest of the evening dancing.

Fin of day 1.

The fart dominatrix: Lust hunting…

23 02 2008


What is a fart Dominatrix? It is someone that lusts for farting on other people. They walk among people of the night not lusting for love or emotion, but for someone willing to give them the gift of fart letting.

On a dark night a woman walks from bar to bar in search of a man to fart upon. She hungers for the lust and pleasure of expelling gas on his smug face. Just hours before she ate a whole bunch of cabbage and beans. The gas in her bubbles with power.

She walks into a bar and looks around. The men in the room all gather around her. They like her tight fitting blouse and her rose red lipstick. Her hair is dark and her eyes are a steamy grey color. She talks to all the men carefully selecting one to unleash her magic on.

Then she meets Greg. She strikes up a conversation with him. He is an asshole that acts like he cares. He will do she thought. He will be the one that I let a huge fat fart upon.

They go to her room that she had rented above the bar. He thought that he was going to get lucky. He thought she was easy as pie on summer afternoon in July. Well, he was wrong and this is what happened after they got to her room.

Star freak: Do you like my room? Come to the couch and sit awhile. I am going to freshen up. Isn’t this great…you being the perfect stranger—tall dark and “handsome”.

Greg: Yes, Star Freak…your room is a skanky hotel room, are you a skank. I think so, You shall drink of my lust tonight. Go and shave your pussy in the shape of cat. I want to give your pussy some milk. I am so smooth.

Star Freak: Don’t be silly Greg I would never shave my pussy for you or any other man. I will be right back.

Greg: You have hurt thy feelings. You are such a bitch! I always get my way.

Star Freak: This night you shall not get your way. This night you shall be submissive to my every way.

Greg: We will see about that.

Star Freak goes in the restroom to get changed. She puts on her black leather sex suit and fishnet stalkings. She slowly struts out of the restroom. Greg is already naked.  His lust tool is standing tall and ready to go. He gets up to kiss her. She kisses him with her tongue. Then she tells him to lay upon her bed of lust!

Star Freak: Lay on my lust bed! There is no time to waste.

Greg: I like the way you think! Give me some sugar now!! Take off your black leather whatever you call it. That doesn’t turn me on!

Star Freak: I don’t care what turns you on! This isn’t about you!

Greg: It is too about about me, and I want some action! Please I beg of your mistress give me some hardcore loving.

Star Freak: There will be no hardcore loving tonight Greg, because I have a surprise for you.

Greg: I love surprises when they are for me. It is all about me.

Star Freak: Yes, well this surprise is something that you will remember for a long time. I am not sure if you will like it or not!

Greg: Try me and see, I will tell you if I like it!

Star Freak: You have to beg for it! You have to beg hard for it!

Greg: Please don’t make me beg. Please Mistress! Please, I want it! Look at the tear that I cry. They are for you my love.

Star Freak:  Don’t you call me mistress call me: Fart Dominatrix you bastard. I am not your love.

Greg: Fart Dominatrix…that is just fucking rude. I mean, I give you the time of day, and I offer you my lust pole and you call yourself Fart Dominatrix.  You aren’t like those farting college women are you?

Star Freak: Oh, you know them!

Greg: No…but you are scaring me!

Star Freak: Silence I have heard enough of your shit. I have a surprise for you that you won’t forget.

Fart Dominatrix takes off her panties and tosses them in the corner of the room. Greg is freaked out by her beauty. He is in a trance!

Greg: You are so beautiful come here and let me drink of you!

Star Freak: Let me ask you something Greg before we go any further.

Greg: Get on with it, I want some action you skank.

Star Freak: Do you like farts Greg?!

Greg: I let one go every now and then, but I am sophisticated and refined, so I don’t fart now. I am too good for that. 

Star Freak: I love them Greg! I love them so, and I want to fart on you! Please, I must release the gas inside. I am feeling all emotional Greg!

Greg:  You are like those farting college women.

Star Freak: Yes, I am afraid so Greg!

Star Freak puts her bare ass above Greg’s face and lets the gas go!

Star Freak:Yes, it feels so good! I am going to cum! Oh, shit! (poooooooooooooooooooooo! OOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSASdsbpppppppppp) I AM CUMMING!

Greg: My face it is burning! My eyes! My mouth! My beautiful face! My sexy hair! My face job is melting! I am melting! (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)!

Star Freak: Oh, it feels so good to be me! (he, he, he, ha, ha, ha, ha)! That was an awsome!

Greg gets up and runs out of the room! He runs through the bar and everyone sees his little package, and he is never seen at that bar again!


The Farting College Women:Thanksgiving Farting Spectacular..

30 11 2007


This is a holiday episode that you will not forget. Sandy is forced to go home for Thanksgiving, and she doesn’t want to go  home alone. It is up to her best friends Beth and Mandy to help her on her journey.

Mandy: It is finally Thanksgiving vacation. I don’t have to work, or go to any classes. I am going to sit on my ass, and watch TV the whole time.  

Sandy: Aren’t you going home for Thanksgiving? Don’t you want a home cooked meal, and see family members that you haven’t seen for a while.

Mandy: No, way after what happened at my parents dinner party, they don’t want to see me for awhile. And, besides it sucks seeing family members that you don’t see except at holidays, wedding and funerals. I just sit there and have nothing to say, they have no idea what is going on in my life. The more they ask about me the more I don’t say.

Beth: Hey, bitches. What’s up? It is Thanksgiving holiday, and I don’t have to go anywhere. I am going sit in my bedroom and fuck myself with my vibrator and watch porn.

Sandy: You are so nasty Beth. You make the holidays sound like dirty days.

Beth: Hell, yeah! I am not going home, and I am going stay here and eat tuna fish sandwiches and vinegar chips, that is a well balanced Thanksgiving dinner.

Sandy: Can I ask you two something? I have a big favor to ask…of you both.

Mandy: Yeah, what is it?

Beth: You know that you can tell me anything. We are good like that.

Sandy: You promise you won’t be mad?

Mandy: It depends on the question. You can’t borrow my fishnet stockings or my water squirting dildo.

Sandy: It’s not that.

Beth: Hurry up and tell us already.

Sandy: I want you two to fly home with me. My parents are begging me to go. They say they have a surprise for me. That is what scares me. I haven’t been home since I started college, and besides I already bought your tickets, so you can’t say no.

Mandy: Well, I guess I can go.

Beth: I can always sell my ticket to the highest bidder.

Sandy: Beth!!!

Beth: OK, bitch I got your back. When do we leave?

Sandy: Tomorrow morning at six am.

Mandy: Six am? Why the hell so early. I have to start packing now.

Beth: Hey, I am not sweating it. I am already packed. I got the clothes on my back.

Sandy: Beth, you need at least four changes of underwear, and something nice to wear.

Beth: Just joking I will be packed by tonight, but don’t expect me to put on some perfume, because I don’t go that route. I am not going to smell like fresh roses on a summers day for you or anyone.

Sandy: OK, you don’t have to wear perfume, but you do have to wear deodorant.

Beth: What do you think that I am…a heathen?

Sandy: No, but I want you to look nice.

Beth: Look, I am going to dress the way that I want to, or I am not going. I am not going to be someone that I am not. Do you got that.

Sandy: I a got. I got it. Wear whatever you want.

Beth: I hope your parents aren’t going to introduce you to a sperm chucker or something.

Sandy: My mom has been pushing marriage for the last few weeks. She thinks I need a man.  She hates me being alone in this big city without a man to protect me. She wouldn’t  go that low on a holiday would she?

Beth: Just because you are in your late twenties doesn’t mean you have to get married; it’s not the end of the world if you aren’t married Sandy. I wouldn’t put it past your mom….especially on a holiday to try to bring a “man” into your life.

Mandy: I have to agree with Beth. It happened to me…remember.

Sandy: Yes, I remember, and your mom hasn’t called since then.

Mandy: It is better that way. I will call her when I am good and ready. Right now, I have to pack.

Beth: Sandy please tell me you got us seats in the same row?

Sandy: No, I couldn’t in such short notice, but I am sure that you will be fine.

Beth: You know how I don’t like sitting next to people that I don’t know.

Sandy: Yes, but you will live.

Mandy: Maybe I will be seated by the man of my dreams.

Beth: Mandy…he doesn’t exist.

Sandy: There is no use crying over spilled milk. Let’s pack and have a nice trip.

The three women pack, and the morning comes too soon. The three women put their bags in Sandy’s car and drive forty five minutes to the airport. They go through security and find their gate.

Beth: I am glad we are at the gate. It took forever to get through security. Those guys are sure picky.

Sandy: They have to be picky…because it is the holidays.

Announcer: Flight thirty five one two will be departing in a half hour. Everyone can begin boarding now.

Mandy: That is us.

Sandy: I hope that coach is OK. We won’t know what seat we got until they scan our tickets.

Beth: It is fine as long as I don’t have to sit by some asshole.

Mandy: Beth you are such a fatalist.

Beth: Yeah…I wouldn’t want it any other way.

The flight attendant scans their tickets.

Sandy: Mandy you and I are sitting together, and Beth you are sitting across from us.

Beth: Just my luck.

The women walk on the plane and find their seats. They put their bags in the over head bins.  There is a guy sitting in the window seat looking very pissed in Mandy and Sandy’s row. Beth gets a window seat, but is stuck sitting with two college age guys.

Chad: My name is Chad.

Beth: My name is Beth. That is all that I am going to say.

Chad: I am not hitting on you.

Beth: OK, as long as we got that straight.

Chad: Where are you from?

Beth: I am from Earth.

Chad: I know that…where are you from?

Beth: A place.

Chad: Never mind…bitch.

Beth: Thank you.

The guy in the window seat sitting next to Mandy and Sandy is pissed off because they put him in coach. He is a rich freak actor and thinks that he is better than everyone else.

Mr. Ass-tooth: I am sitting in fucking coach. I deserve better than this; I am royalty. I want to sip champagne at thirty thousand feet and not some flat cola drink. It smells back here.

Mandy: Mr. would you please be quiet and shut up. My friend and I are trying enjoy our flight, and you are making it bad for us.

Mr. Ass-tooth: I most certainly will make it worse for you two. When I tell the flight attendant that you two are bothering me, because it is everyone else’s fault that I am the way that I am. I refuse to take the blame for any of my actions just like everyone else in society.

Sandy: That is why society is going to hell.

Mr. Ass-tooth:   I can say and do what I want…because I have money and everyone thinks I am a good guy. I am royalty among actors…you peasant chick.

Mandy: Oh, no he didn’t…he just call me a peasant chick.

Sandy: Calm down Mandy and let it go.

Beth sees her friends being bothered by Mr. Ass-tooth. Beth gets up and tries to get over to Mandy and Sandy’s row, bur Chad won’t let her.

Mandy: Beth… sit down! We can handle this…

Beth: The bastard is bothering you.  

Sandy: Beth…shut up.

Beth sits down and stares out the window. Chad laughs at her.

Mr. Ass-tooth: Do you know who I am…flight attendant these women are bothering me.

Flight Attendant: Are you bothering this man ladies?

Mandy: No, he is bitching about his seat. We just told him to shut up.

Mr. Ass-tooth: I was not bitching. They are accusing me of bitching. I am going to sue if these ladies don’t shut up.

Flight Attendant: You ladies better just be quiet. I don’t want any trouble.

Sandy: But, he…

Mandy: Shut up. We won’t have to see him after this flight.

Sandy: OK…we will be good.

Flight Attendant: Good…I am sorry Mr. Ass-tooth. We put you in the wrong seat. We have a seat for you in first class.

Chris: You damn right you do. Were is my seat?  And there better be some champagne and a nice soft pillow for me to sleep on. You peasant.

Flight Attendant: Right this way Mr. Ass-tooth.

Sandy: What an asshole.

Mandy: The guy has issues. I think he has a corn-cob up his ass…or something. Isn’t he the guy on TV that keeps talking about saving the earth, and dates all those anorexic stars with prescription drug problems?

Sandy: Yeah, I think so, he is one of those two-faced people that talk about one thing but mean another. The only reason why he has gone “green” is because it is in, and he can afford to have a cause and it makes him look good. It is OK to save the environment…if your heart is in it.

Mandy: You got that right.

Beth gets up to move over to Sandy and Mandy’s row.

Beth: Excuse me Chad. I am going to sit with my friends.

Chad: You can’t do that. This seat was assigned to you and this is where you stay…honey. You bitch!

Chad Grabs Beth.

Beth: I am warning you…you better let me go.

Chad: What are you going to do about it?

Beth: Break your balls.

Chad: I want to see you try. I have balls of steel, you skank.

Beth: OK, you just sealed your fate.

Beth punches chad in balls so hard that they crack like eggs. Chad at first let’s out a loud scream.  Then he just says nothing.  

Chad: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My ball..s…aaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! I am Sterile. I can’t reproduce!!! They are cracked. My balls are cracked.

Beth: I just took you out of the gene pool. You shouldn’t breed anyway…bye now. Remember, reproduction is a privilege not a right.

Chad: Why are you so mean? You fucked up my balls. I didn’t ask for this. I just wanted to get your attention and get me some loving in the airplanes restroom. I am sure you have a hot pussy.

Beth: What makes you think that I would bang you? I wouldn’t bang you even if the human race depended on it you…ball-less blunder.

Beth walks across the isle and sits with Mandy and Sandy.

Beth: Hey, Mandy. I believe that is my window seat.

Mandy: Be our guest.

Sandy: What did you do to that guy?

Beth: I punched him in the balls.

Mandy: You sure shut him up.

Mandy: I guess that is why he is doubled up in his seat and being nice.

Beth: Yeah, well the guy had it coming, enough about him.  I can’t believe Mr.  Ass-tooth was bothering you guys. The guy can’t act all he does is look pretty, and makes millions doing it.

Sandy: Hey, in today’s entertainment world you don’t have to have talent all you have to have is looks and know whose ass to kiss.

Mandy: And know what ass cheek to kiss.

The plane took off on time and the rest of the flight was uneventful. They made it to their destination and rented a car. They drove three hours to Sandy’s moms house and just pulled up to the driveway.

Martha: Hello, Sandy. It is so good to see you. Who do we have here?

Sandy: This is Beth and this is Mandy.  They are my best friends from college. This is my mom Martha, and my dad’s name is Frank.

Mandy: It is nice to meet you.

Beth: Nice to meet you.

Martha: It is very nice to meet you Beth and Mandy. Let my husband take your bags up stairs. Our other guests will be coming later on tomorrow. Frank get your ass over here, and take their bags to their rooms…you asshole.

Frank: Yes, mistress, don’t hurt me. I will take their bags up to their rooms, as long as you lick my ass raw.

Martha: I am going lick you later. You fucking bastard.

Frank: Yes…I would love that. Oh, please lick my ass raw.

Sandy: Mom…have you gone crazy?

Martha: You father and I are trying to save our marriage. It seems that sex is the only way to save our doomed downward spiral marriage.  Anyway, I have someone that I want you to meet. He just flew in today and will be here tomorrow for Thanksgiving dinner.

Sandy: You aren’t trying to push off a sperm chucker on me are you?

Beth: This place is as crazy as my parents house.

Martha: Sperm Chucker…I am not sure that I follow what you are saying dear. What was that you said Beth?

Beth: I said this house is as cozy as my parents house.

Martha:Oh…thank you. Frank and I are both retired, and all we do these days is stay home and screw.  Well, it is getting late, I am off to bed. FRANK get your ass to the bedroom now, and put on those fucking leather chaps!!!!

Frank: Yes, dear. Yes, my mistress. I will do your bidding. Please lick it. Then I want to lick your ass.

Martha: OK…I want you so much Frank.

Mandy: Sandy that is fucked up. Your parents are freaks.

Sandy: Well, they used to be normal until my mom caught my dad in bed with a dominatrix, and she has been punishing him since then. I didn’t know it was this bad. It sounds like their marriage is in jeopardy.

Mandy: Damn downward spiral marriages.

Beth: I am ready for bed. It is late. Do I need ear plugs…it sounds like your parents are going fuck all night.

Mandy: I was going to ask the same thing.

Sandy: They might make some noise, but not too much…just ignore them.

Sandy shows Mandy and Beth to their room. They get ready for bed, and jump under the covers. The three ladies fall asleep fast after Sandy tells them to shut up.  

Mandy: I think her parents are crazy. (whispering)

Beth: They are like a couple of college experimentalists.

Sandy: I am trying to sleep. Would you two please be quiet. We all know that my parents are freaks. Go to sleep.

Beth: Yes, they are, but they are kind of cool.

Sandy: Beth.

Beth: OK. OK. I will shut up.

The morning comes, and the three women sleep in until eleven, and by that time the guests are already arriving. Beth’s mom wakes them up.

Martha: Wake up. It is eleven. Sandy, Beth and Mandy get up.

Sandy: Why didn’t you wake us up sooner….mom. I could have helped you prepare dinner.

Martha: I wanted it to be a surprise. You three get ready and come to dinner. I have been cooking since five this morning.

Beth: Wow, we are going have a real home cooked meal.

Martha: Yes, and with all the fixings…Beth. (he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he)

Beth: That is a weird laugh.

Mandy: Yes, it is.

Sandy: She is just nervous. That is all.

Mandy: Keep telling yourself that…Sandy. Keep telling yourself that.

The three women get ready. Beth even wears something nice, and Mandy she goes all out.

Martha: Are you three ready?

Sandy: Yes, mom.

Martha: Sandy I want you to close your eyes. I have a big surprise for you. Take my hand dear.

Sandy’s mom leads her down the stairs and takes her to the table.

Martha: OK, open your eyes.

Sandy opens her eyes. Sandy couldn’t believe it, it is  Mr. Ass-tooth and Chad.

Sandy: Mom that guys an asshole, he made of fool of himself on the plane. He was bitching about having to sit in coach. And that other guy Chad got his balls crushed for being an asshole.

Chad: You damn right I did. I had to go to the emergency room and have them put back together again.

Martha: You know these guys?

Beth: They were on the plane yesterday, and made total asses of themselves.

Martha: Well, I guess introductions are out of the question. Please, sit down everyone, and take a load off. My husband will be right out with the main course. Frank get your ass in here…now.

Frank: Yes, Mistress. Yes, Mistress.

Mr. Ass-Tooth: I don’t know your daughter, and I wouldn’t bitch about being in coach I am a humble person. I am an environmentalist actor, and I don’t care about status, because we actors are above the curve in every way in Hollywood.

Beth: You mean corn-Cob-vile.

Mandy’s Mom: Shut the fuck up Ass-tooth. I thought you were better than that. I thought you cared about people. Get the fuck out of my house.

Mr. Ass-tooth: I didn’t say mean things to them on the plane. They are big fucking liars they want to ruin my reputation, my career, and my chances with you.

Sandy’s dad comes skipping out of the kitchen and drops the turkey on the table and skips back in the kitchen.

Sandy: Mom what is wrong with dad? He is wearing a superman suit, a cape, and bunny ears.

Beth: Cool. This house rocks.

Sandy: Beth?

Beth: Oh, sorry.

Martha: He is not right…but he is still your father. He has been like this since we started role playing. I forced him to be submissive, but playful.

Mr. Ass-tooth: Martha, please believe me. I would never call these fine women liars. That wasn’t me a couple of minutes ago. Please, I want you to know that.

Beth: Shut the fuck up Ass-tooth Martha is talking.

Sandy: Why is Frank so Submissive?

Martha: I told your father to stop being an asshole, and if he didn’t stop being an asshole and a controlling prick I would leave him. Well, I guess it worked, because I got the last laugh. Look at him running around in his superman tights.

Mr. Ass-Tooth: I thought you loved me Martha. I thought you cared? I thought that was why you invited me here today.

Sandy: What is he talking about mom…loving him.

Martha: Chad is your half brother.  Mr. Ass-tooth and I had a fuck fling and I became pregnant, before I met your dad. I thought I would bring everyone together for the holidays– family and illegitimate family. Chad Mr. Ass-tooth is your father, and I am your mother.

Chad: We are family. (crying)

Martha: I seems you are sterile, and can’t breed. It is better that way.

Sandy: Shut the fuck up all of you. You screwed ass-tooth, and had his spawn. What did you see in this man? He is butt ugly. Look at his fucking face. It looks like shit.

Martha: I don’t know. I think I was out of my mind.

Sandy: You think…

Mr. Ass-tooth: I am not that ugly, and with plastic surgery I am a prince. Look at my complexion…I love myself.

Beth: This is fucked up right here.

Mandy: I have to use the restroom, come on Beth.

The two get up and head for the restroom.

Sandy: You two stay right here!

Beth and Mandy sit back down. Sandy’s dad comes in and sits down.

Frank: What is wrong with everyone? Let’s eat.

Sandy: I just found out mom fucked ass-tooth and had Chad.

Frank: That is nice pass the butter.

Sandy: Aren’t you going say anything. Aren’t you the least bit concerned.

Frank: Let’s not talk about this at least for another slice anyway.   Everyone have a slice of Turkey. There is plenty. Eat up!

Mr. Ass-tooth: I will not have any turkey. I will not have any yams, until you say you love me Martha. I need you to love me…and stop fucking around with my feelings. I need more than just anorexic actresses with prescription drug problems. I need real love.

Beth: It sounds like you don’t know what love is…Ass-tooth.

Martha: I don’t love you. I never loved you. You are just some guy I banged. Frank and Sandy are my family…now. Aren’t we Frank?

Frank: Yes, mistress.

Mr. Ass-tooth: It looks like our bang created a son. I want alimony. If you can’t love me. Then I will sue you. Sue…you….you!!!

Beth: Shut the fuck up. You were never married to Martha to begin with, so how could you get alimony. You are delusional you bastard.

Mr. Ass-tooth: You damn right I am. Because, in today’s world greed rules and selfishness reigns supreme. And it is always someone else’s fault because no one wants to take the blame for their own actions. (he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he)

Beth: That is it. I am going let him have it.

Martha: Are you fucking stupid Ass-Tooth. You never knew you had a son until today.

Chad: I was raised by a pack of wild dogs. I am so glad that I know who my parents are, I needed this. It is too bad that I am sterile.

Sandy: Just remember Chad creating an offspring is a privilege not a right.

Mr ass-tooth: How dare tell me these things. I am going to sue all of you, because you hurt my feelings. Chad I am suing you because you are what has become of my sperm. Martha I am suing you because you took my sperm after we finished banging…it was my property.

Martha: That was property of yours that I wished that I never had.

Chad: You hurt my feelings…no one wants me.  

Beth: That is it. I have to let Ass-tooth have it.

Mr Ass-tooth: You are going to let me have it with what. I am an actor. I am above the curve, and this Turkey tastes like shit. Shit I tell you. I am leaving.

Frank: Well, you can just leave and not come back. I am just going to put an inflatable adult love doll in your place.

Mr. Ass-tooth: How dare you put a piece of plastic above me. This chair I am sitting in is not to be washed. I am a man a prestige…and taste.

Beth: You are going to taste my ass gas in a second.

Martha: I told you not to talk about that inflatable adult love doll in companies presents…Frank.  You know how much I love it and need it.

 Frank: Yes, mistress.

Mr. Ass-tooth: Why are you calling her mistress…Frank. You are more of a man than that.

Martha: He is three hundred times the man that you are once I turned him into a submissive little love freak.

Sandy: My parents are crazy. I need to leave this house. I need to be out of here.

Martha: Sandy, we are not not crazy. Frank and I are in love….in love.

Sandy: Do you call love having an adult love doll, and licking each others asses raw. You tought me no sex before marriage, I have lived up to that promise. What has happened to you…you are not my parents.

Mandy: Sandy has never had sex before?

Beth: Some how I saw that coming.

Martha: We have become sexual beings.

Beth: Sexual freaks is more like it.

Martha: Whatever Beth. Sandy, Beth, and Mandy and everyone can just leave. Get the fuck out of my house every last one of you.

Frank: Anyone want pie. We have apple, cherry, and pecan.

Mr. Ass-tooth: You are totally oblivious to what is going on around you Frank. You all are a bunch of peasants, and I am the lord of the manner.  You could have married the lord of the manner Martha, but you choose him: Frank peasent fuck-job. Fuck you all!

Beth pulls down her pants and exposing her red lace panties. Then she takes her panties off. Her exposing her beautiful hairy pussy.   Inside of her ass there are Turkey farts brewing. She has to fart on Mr. Ass-tooth before it is too late.

Martha: What are you doing Beth? You put your pants on now. This is not the time or the place for nude exploration, this is a holiday for hells sake.

Beth walks in slow motion toward Mr. ass-tooth. Mr. ass-tooth starts to run, but it is too late.

Mr. Ass-tooth: What are you doing Beth?

Beth: I am your worst nightmare…you prick.

Beth gets up on the table knocking off the mashed potatoes, and a couple of pies. She bends over and puts her ass in Mr. Ass-tooth’s face…and farts.

Mr. Ass-tooth: Get your ass out of my face. Damn…you! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Beth: I am going fart in your face. I am going to let it all go.

Chad: What the fuck.

Sandy: Let it go. Let him have it.

Beth blows the biggest fart that she has ever blown. It echos throughout the house.

Beth: This is not my first time I have done this.  I am going to fart in your smug ass face…Ass-tooth.

Mandy: She means business.

Ass-tooth: Martha help…me. You can put a stop to this nonsense.

Martha: She is a grown woman, and there is no stopping her.


Beth: Damn that burns, but what a rush. I feel so much better everyone.

Mr. Ass-tooth: A….my eyes! They are burning! My skin is melting. I am Melting. I can taste turkey…and wine…and ham, and it came from her ass.  I am going to barf.

Mr. ass-tooth barfs all over the table. Everyone else just stares in amazement.

Chad: I think his plastic surgery is melting off his smug ass face.

Sandy: Damn face jobs. It isn’t worth looking like something that you are not!!

Mr. Ass-tooth: I am leaving. And you haven’t heard the last of me…Beth!!! I am going to get you and your farting friends.

Martha: I hope to not see you soon.

Frank: So long.

Beth: Bye…now.

Sandy: See ya!

Mandy: Bye!

Chad: Laters.

Mr. Ass-tooth leaves in a hurry. Everyone helps clean up the mess. The three spend the rest of holiday relaxing and having a good time at Sandy’s moms house.

Happy late Thanksgiving…everyone.