The Memoirs of a Fart Dominatrix…the first ten days! (part 3 of 10)

3 03 2008


After I got kicked out of the rich freaks house for farting.  I called for a taxi on my cell phone. The taxi was there in five minutes, and as I was leaving the house I saw people running out. They were coughing and some were barfing. The smell that I had released out of my ass had left a lasting impression.  It was the first big party I had gone to at a rich freaks house, and it would probably be my last.

You see the rich are funny they pretend to sympathise with those that are less fortunate than them. They are fake.  This is the case with the rich freak…she wanted her husband to win the election, but she didn’t want real homeless people in her house. You see it is one thing to talk about helping the poor and homeless to get votes, but actually helping the homeless and poor is another thing. You see she loves the power of knowing that she is better than everyone else, and with her husband winning the election…well, she would be on top. 

You see most rich people have no idea what it is like to be poor.  Thus, it is the same for politicians—they don’t give a shit about the poor. I would like to see a non rich person run for office—fat chance that would ever happen. Most of the people that get into office are rich to begin with, so all they do is help themselves and those like them. Leaving the middle class and the lower classes holding the bill. Well, should I say mostly middle class holding the bill.

The taxi cab driver asked me “where to”? I told her to downtown. She drove me downtown, and let me out in front of this coffee shop called “coffee and Venus” it is the only adult coffee (no one under twenty permitted) shop where customers are allowed to drink their coffee in the nude. I am freak! I just love their espresso!

I sat at a table waiting for my espresso and reading book on socialism, that I had picked up at a small bookstore downtown.  A woman with a beautiful body and smile brought me my warm drink. She had a sadness about her. She asked me if I needed anything else. I said no! I asked her, her name. She said her name was Olivia. Nice, to meet you, I said.  She turned around and went back to the bar!

I thanked her and then went back to my reading. I was mid-way through my cup of espresso when a man came in and grabbed Olivia by the hand and took her outside. I felt obligated to find out why the guy came inside and took her outside in such a forceful manner. The other employees looked worried, the guy at the espresso bar grabbed for the phone. I got up and asked what was wrong? The guy at the bar told me that her stalker ex-boyfriend was bothering her again, and the she had a restraining order against him but that didn’t stop him. He almost put her in the hospital one time.

You see there are men that can’t take a hint. They are bastards, and when they are down on their luck they come looking for their ex-partner. These sick fucks have to have love, and  control. Inside they are nothing but insecure bastards!

I walked outside and saw that he had pushed Olivia to the street and kicked her and went to hit her. I stopped his fist from striking her with my hand. He called me a bitch, and told me to get lost. I told him that he wasn’t supposed to hit women, and that he wasn’t brought up right. I told Olivia to go back inside and call the authorities. She got up and went inside.

He took a swing at me. I just grabbed his wrist and twisted it! He screamed in pain and told me to leave him alone. He couldn’t take it. He started crying, I pushed his ass to street. Everyone in the street saw him crying. He begged me not to hit him. He was balled up in a little ball. He quivered with fear. I asked him how that felt, he just whimpered.

There he was in the street crying like the little asshole that he was. I told him that was the last time that he would ever talk to Olivia again. And if he came around or even bothered her again he would face serious pain. . He called me a freak and got to his feet. He got in his car and drove away.

I went back inside to see if Olivia was OK. She was fine just a little shook up. I drank the rest of my espresso, and was just about to leave when the guy came back. This time he had his friends with him. He walked to my table and told me to get up. I ignored him, and kept reading. This of course made him mad. His friends laughed at him. That made him more mad, because he is one of those insecure types. He grabbed my wrist and pulled, that was it I had enough. I told him to come closer. I pulled down my pants and I farted in his face…the fart went on and on, and it was a little wet. He got chucks of crap in his face. Everyone in the coffee shop laughed at him. He got up and ran out and was never seen again.

I tipped Olivia and paid for my drink and left. The employees at the coffee shop thanked me as I walked out the door.


He farted at a rich freak party…and had the last laugh!

17 02 2008

Warning: Adult Satire. Adult situations.  

There was once a man who went to a party full of rich freaks, because one of his friends invited him. He didn’t fit in, and no one gave him the time of day. Because, in the rich freak world it is all about them, their politics, social clicks, and the material things that feed their ego.  

He walked over to the finger food table to get a snack before dinner, and some old rich freak asked him what he was doing there. He said that a friend had asked him to the party. The rich freak told him to get the hell out, because he didn’t belong there and wasn’t invited. The man wasn’t hurt or disappointed because the people at the party were a bunch of shallow, fake, selfish assholes. He was glad to leave.

His friend hadn’t even showed up anyway. He was about to walk out the front door of the party when his friend arrived. He told his friend what had happened, and she told him to stay. Well, they were just about to have dinner, and he was hungry so he said he would stay for dinner. His friend was delighted, and apologized for the old rich freaks behavior.  Him and his Friend found their place at the table. They just happened to be sitting by the man that just told him a few minutes ago to get out.

The old rich freak man hissed at him and told him that he was going to call security if he didn’t get out. Well, this time the “man that didn’t belongs” friend was there, and told the old rich freak that he was with her. Well, the rich freak old man apologized, because the man’s friend was one of his biggest clients.

You see when money is involved people start getting nicer. It brings out the ass-kisser in every asshole. They ate dinner and the whole time during dinner the old man, and his wife made jokes about the man that didn’t “belong”—they talked about people like him not having health insurance, and about them having to support the lower and middle classes. The man knew this but kept his mouth shut. He knew that he would have the last laugh.

The old man’s wife and the old man had face work, botox and other age related cosmetic surgery enhancements.  You see they wanted to stay young and be the fake “pseudo perfect” assholes that they had always been. They continued their jokes for most of the evening.

The man decided it was time for them to get what was coming to them. The man was tired of everyone at the table laughing at him, his friend told him to not listen to them. He felt some gas building in his ass. He knew if he let it build, he could blame the old man when the built up fart expelled with great magnitude from his ass. He would have the last laugh.

The man let the fart go. It was quiet…so silent (shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)! The fart stunk up the room. The old rich freak man soon began to comment about it. The man know it was time for the old man to take the blame for the fart that he had just released into the world. The man had always believed in taking responsibility for his own actions, but this time the old rich freak would take the fall. The man told everyone that the old rich freak and his wife broke wind.

The old rich freak and his wife assured people that their crap didn’t stink. His wife went as far to say that evening that she didn’t break wind and either did her husband. Well, everyone’s eyes begin watering at the table, and a couple of people gagged and barfed up their dinner. Others ran for the nearest exit. The old man and woman ran as well. Even the man’s friend she ran for the door.

The man finished his dinner and then left. A couple of days later a magazine did an article on the farting incident. The old man begin to lose business, and lost all his accounts and business contacts. He and his wife had no money coming in and they lost all their cars and houses, and soon were penniless. They in the end had nothing.

They then knew what it was like to be poor, and lived unhappily ever after. The moral of this story don’t fuck with the middle class.


The Farting College Women: The adventure at the Lust Package Part 1

29 01 2008

Warning: Adult Content. Adult Theme. Adult Language.

Note: Names are fictious…it is only a story! 

The three ladies head to the bar to relax. They have all been working really hard, and need a break. They walk into the bar and sit at a table. There is only one problem…Mark GreenBill!

Beth: Let’s go out tonight.

Sandy: OK…where do you want to go?

Beth: To the Lust Package…all I know is that I want a long smooth drink. I have been working really hard….lately.

Mandy walks in at the end of the conversation.

Mandy: I don’t know if we should go to a club. Edwin and his jerk posse might be there. I am really tired of him sending me text messages and crying on my voice mail.

Beth: You can stay Mandy, but I am going out. Lusta Golden is going to meet Sandy and I there.

Mandy: Where are you going?

Beth: To the Lust package. They have two dollar shots all night…and the watresses walk around with nothing on but a smile…some even wear latex their so hot. The Lust Packages women’s restroom is full of numbers and sexy messages on the wall…some of the messages get me all hot.

Mandy: I want a cum shot and it is not from a drink if you know what I mean.

Beth: Mandy, that is where you go wrong…you are always looking for physical action. You have to start with the emotional, and then move to the physical. You should be more like Lusta golden and I. We just started using a double headed dildo the other night…up until now we have been watching each other get ourselves off…it makes me all emotional to see her cum. I cry sometimes.  Our love is so deep.

Sandy: You and Lusta are in love. That is so special.

Beth: Hell, yeah we are in love…and it is a sure thing honey. I am thinking about asking her to move in…we are ready to make that jump.

Sandy: You mean there is going to be another member of The Farting College Women?

Beth: Yes…I am afraid so Sandy.

Mandy: Isn’t she a hardcore Vampire?

Beth: Yes, she has to suck someone’s balls dry every once in a while!

Sandy: Wouldn’t that get messy…sucking someones cock dry. What a way to survive…yuck!

Beth: Once she sucks their balls dry they are sterile…the man’s bone is dry.

Mandy: Come on let’s go! We can take my car…that is enough talk about ball sucking.

The three get in Mandy’s hot car and drive to the Lust Package. Mandy parks the car and they enter the club. There are people dancing to gothic disco and wearing latex, black leather, black leather masks, and full latex body suits. They sit down at a private table in the corner of the club.

Mandy: Edwin won’t come here…he is too much of a macho man. He’s into those country western bars.

Sandy: He is not a man at all.

Beth: You can say that again…Sandy. I wonder wear Lusta is…she said that she would be here. I am going to call her cell…I will be right back. Order me a Vodka straight up.  

Beth leaves to call Lusta Golden!

Waitress: Hey, dirty sluts…what can I get you? How do you like my tits? They are real…everything about me is real. I don’t shave my pubic hair. I am a none conformist.

Mandy: That’s nice…your tits are real firm looking.

Waitress: Thank you…

The waitress has on a latex mask, latex body suit, and her tits are sticking out through two holes in her latex body suit.  

Sandy: She called us sluts…We are not…

Mandy puts her hand over Sandy’s mouth.

Mandy: Sandy shut up…you are at the Lust Package. It is customary to call people names here. This is the dirtiest fucked up bar in the city. I have no idea why Beth wanted to come here.

Sandy: Oh…I will have tall glass of milk with ice.

Waitress: OK…and for you temptress?

Mandy: Sandy…I can never figure you out…milk with ice with the fuck? Give me a cum shot….with extra cream. Our friend that is in the restroom wants a Vodka straight.

Waitress: Right away mistress….right away!

Ten minutes later. The waitress brings them their drinks, and Beth comes and sits down.

Sandy: Where were you Beth?

Beth: I was in the restroom taking a dump…when I had to get myself off reading the writing on the wall. There was a man and a woman doing it in the stall next to me they had body paint on…it kind of made me hot. Their moans made crap even faster.

Sandy: Where is Lusta?

Beth: She is running a little late. She had some business to attend to…she will be here in a little while.

Mandy: Oh, crap Edwin just came in with Mark GreenBill.

Beth: Mark GreenBill the actor?

Sandy: No…Mark GreenBill  the celebrity psychiatrist.

Mandy: Oh, yeah I forgot Edwin is working as a bodyguard. That explains why he came in here. Hurry…you have got to hide me.

Beth: What the fuck are you doing Mandy?

Mandy: I am hiding under the table. What the fuck…there are two people doing it under our table.

The People: Damn you…we were just about to cum…together for the first time. (crying)

Mandy: Get a damn room if you don’t want to be interrupted, fucking horny bastards. You better be using birth control we wouldn’t want you two procreating!

The People: Fuck you….

They get up and walk away….

Sandy: Oh, I think they saw my see through panties under the table…I have a huge bush right now.

Beth: Sandy…I just don’t get you sometimes. There is nothing wrong with having a bush…it is totally natural!

Sandy: Mandy, Edwin is coming over to the table with that guy.

Edwin: Hello, ladies have you seen Mandy? Tell her hi for me. I love her. I need love. Love. Love. Please she is the woman of my dreams.

Beth: Bring in the violins, and let the river of tears flow! Edwin take a hint she doesn’t like you.

Sandy: Yeah, Edwin.

Edwin: She would love me if she would only give our love a chance. It will be the truest love ever! I need her so bad (crying)!

Beth: True as a politician on election day.

Edwin: You don’t know true love like I do. You are such a…

Mark GreenBill: Move over Edwin.  Hello ladies…I am Mark GreenBill celebrity psychiatrist. You will never meet a man like me. I am smart and all knowing. I know what all the celebrities need.

Beth: Why don’t you treat Edwin he is fucked up in the head.

Mark GreenBill: He doesn’t make enough money, and isn’t popular enough for me to treat him. I only treat people that have power and prestige…and good insurance.

Beth: You totally define a person that is in it for the money. 
Mark GreenBill: Haven’t you seen my wonderful show? A well known celebraty got me my show, I only went on his show a few times and the rest is history.

Beth: Yeah…Yeah I have seen your crappy show…but fortunately for me I changed the channel.

Mark GreenBill: Oh, you did well I have healed half of Hollywood and everyone comes to me and you know what my solution is…it is rehab. Yes, rehab where all the magic happens. But, you know what I do first? I charge them three thousand dollars to tell them they need rehab.

Beth: Why don’t you get lost.

Mark GreenBill: No, I am going to sit at your table, because you see I am from Hollywood and I am above the law. I am a star…and you know what stars do they can be assholes anytime they want and people think they are being funny (he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he).

Beth: I am warning you. You better get lost.

Mark GreenBill: No! I won’t I am a doctor for the stars a man that always gets what he wants.

Edwin: He can do what he wants…Beth. I will stop you if you try anything funny.

Beth: Edwin your dick is so small a bacteria has to jack you off and then you can’t cum.

Edwin: No it doesn’t. I won’t listen to you. My package is fine. My package is the best…I am big I tell you. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Beth: You keep telling yourself that.

Edwin runs out!

Beth: One gone…one more to go.

Mark GreenBill: What did you do to him? I guess he needs counseling. What is your name women? I’m Mark. Do you want to dance.

Sandy: Sandy (he, he, he, he, he, he, he) OK!

Beth: Sandy what are you doing?

Sandy: What does it look like I am doing? I am dancing the night away.

Beth: Fine…but watch your ass!

Mark GreenBill: Yeah…Sandy you better watch your ass I might kiss it later. I am Mark GreenBill…celebrity psychiatrist the richest man in Hollywood.

Beth: Are you stoned, or just a really bad egoist.

Mark GreenBill: I can tell you right now that I am not stoned.

Mark and Sandy dance.

Mandy: Is Edwin gone? Beth, please tell me that the bastard is gone.

Beth: Yeah, he is gone.

Mark and Sandy dance the whole night. Lusta Golden shows up and Beth and Mandy drink more and more. Lusta Golden just moves to the music. Mandy hands Lusta Golden her car keys.

Beth: I am so…messed up.

Mandy: Me too. Lusta Golden I am glad that you are driving home.

Lusta Golden: No…problem thy women.

Beth: Where the fuck is Sandy?

Mandy: I don’t know! Thought she was dancing with Mark GreenBill!

Beth: We have to find her she is like mush in Mark’s arms…we have to save her from is egoist motives.

Mandy: Egoist motives…ha, more like lust motives. That guy is a fucking slut!

Beth: You can say that again. I am so drunk! (burp, burp, burp, burp!)

Mandy: Me too! (burp)

Beth: Lusta ask those freaks if they saw where Sandy went! (burp!)

Lusta Golden: They are not freaks. They are my kind of people!

Lusta walks over to the two dancing freaks, both are wearing latex masks, and body suits!

Lusta Golden: Did you see where our friend went?

Freak one: They went up stairs man…to the hotel! Can you pay me…I need five bucks for a cab fare.

Lusta Golden: Fine…here is five bucks!

Freak two: I know what room they are in…another five bucks please.

Lusta Golden: OK…here is another five bucks?

Beth: Damn this whole society…nothing is free anymore. Everyone wants something for nothing!

Freak Two: They are in room twenty-two! That is known as the fuck room. You have to know the damn code to get in there…man!

Beth: Do you know the code? My friends sanity and health are at stake.

Freak one: No one knows the code. No one! I  wouldn’t even attempt to go in room twenty-two!

Beth: We are going, and you are coming with us!

Freak One: I told you all I know…man! I swear on the vomit that I will hurl tonight.

Freak Two: He means it man! He will hurl, and he will swear tonight that he doesn’t know the code.

Lusta Golden grabs the freaks, because Beth and Mandy are too drunk! They can’t take the stairs so they have to take the elevator. They walk past the desk clerk.

Desk Clerk: Hey, where  are you people going? You can’t go back there, those rooms are private.

Lusta Golden: Yes, we can! Our friend is back there…we have got to save her.

Desk Clerk: Look…I don’t give a fuck about your friend…only VIP people are allowed back here. Do I have to call security?

Beth: Screw VIP, VIP mentality only breeds oppression and injustice!

Desk Clerk: You back off bitches! You back….

Lusta pulls up her skirt and flashes her pussy at the desk clerk. He becomes hypnotized and falls under her spell of lust!

 Desk Clerk: That is the most beautiful pussy that I have ever seen. I want it! I want it! Please, I have to have it! Oh, I am in pain! (thump)

The desk clerk falls under Lusta Golden’s spell of lust, and slowly slides to the floor!

Lusta Golden: Hurry…hurry! He is under my spell of lust! It will wear off in a few minutes, and then he will be his evil self once again.

Freak One: That was some pretty cool shit…how did you do that?

Lusta Golden: Pussy power…pussy power my dear freak!

Freak two: That is some power!

Mandy: You can say that again! (burp)

Beth:That is my lover! (burrrrrrrrrrrrrp) Damn that Vodka!

They find room twenty two, and bang on the door! Freak number one types in the code, the door opens. Freak one and Freak two make a run for it!

Freak One: We are out of here!

Freak Two: Hell…yeah! See ya!

Lusta Golden: We don’t need them anyway!

Beth: What the hell is this? There is fur all over the walls, and flashing lights everywhere!

Mandy: There is Sandy on that big fuzzy purple bed! (burp)

Lusta Golden: Unhand the fare woman you male slut!

Mark GreenBill: No, she is mine to have and to control…I am going to get someone to control before this night is over (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha)! I purposely had them get you drunk farting College Women so I could get..some time with your friend Sandy! You are too drunk to fart on me now! I am above the law…my law!

Mandy: We are pretty damn drunk, but I am not afraid of you! I think I am going to throw up!

Mark GreenBill: No, one can protect your friend  now…we are in love! It is only a matter of time before she is mine, and you can do nothing about it!

Sandy: What are you doing? We are in love. In the deepest love. He says we are getting married, and moving to an island of dreams.

Mark GreenBill: Yeah, I just want someone to love. Love is all that  Iwant! I am not going to hurt your friend…just control her! (Wooooooooooooooooooo, HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

Lusta Golden: This guy is about to piss me off!

Beth: Hey, were are you going?

Mark GreenBill: I am taking her to my love chamber….and we are going to consummate our love!

Sandy: He was telling me that he wants us to have a world of love.

Lusta Golden: Unhand her…you jerk!

Mark GreenBill: No!

Beth: That is it!

Beth takes off her pants and pushes Mark on to the bed, and puts her ass in his face, but she can’t fart.

Beth:  I can’t fart…what is happening to me! AAAAAAA!

Mark Green: I had them add some anti-fart solution to your drinks you can’t fart ever again!!!! (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha) Oh, your ass smells so sweet like a spring day in April! (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha)!

Mandy: Oh no!

Lusta Golden: Oh….shit!

Sandy: I love you mark!

Will Beth get her gas back or will Mark GreenBill win, find out in the next episode of The Farting College Women: The Adventure at the Lust Package.

FIN for now!

Toilets in trouble: A Rich freak takes a crap at a party.

11 01 2008

Warning: Adult humor. Adult Material. Gross Humor.  


Kelly: A rich Freak woman.
Keven: A rich freak man.
Mr. Flushy: A Toilet with an attitude.
Mr. Stinky thing: Keven’s pompous shit.

Welcome to another edition of The Toilets in Trouble. In this episode the rich freaks are having a party at Kelly’s house. They talk about their money, and they talk about their power, and many of them forget one thing…their shit stinks too. NOW ON WITH THE SHOW!!!!!!!!!

Keven: I have to use the restroom…where is it Kelly?

Kelly: If you must. Oh, and make sure that you sign the guest-book and how much you make a year. My husband only let’s me send holiday greeting cards to people that make over a million or more a year. Oh, and if you have to break wind make sure that…you spray. I don’t want the next person that uses our bathroom to think our crap stinks or our guests. The bathroom is down the hall last door to the right. The spray smells like brand new home, so no one will ever know that you broke wind.

Keven: Yes, I will spray if I break wind. I mean breaking wind is for the common people…and I am not common. Look at my three thousand dollar tie pin and matching shoes to go with it…I am so fucking beautiful.  

Kelly: I am glad that you are among the beautiful people…we being my husband and I only associate with people of wealth and material. Please excuse me… I have to tell Maggy about how much I paid for the my boob job… look at my tits aren’t they fucking awesome, spectacular and groovy?

Keven: If I weren’t married I would suck them. I would suck them like there was no tomorrow. I would drink from them with a lust filled heart and mind.

Kelly: Why thank you Keven.  I also got face enhancements…and I got my pubic hair surgically removed with a laser, so I will never have a hairy pussy again. It isn’t sexy to have pubic hair on my crotch. My husband loves my pussy now. He and I are such conformists, I mean everyone is shaving their crotches.

Keven: Yes, I make my wife shave her pubic hair too, and I shave my balls. It just wouldn’t be right to be outside the norm.

Kelly: Oh, Keven you and you wife are so strong. It takes such dedication to shave your balls and to make sure that your wife is shaving her pussy too (crying).  

Keven: Thank you Kelly. I am going to the restroom now…if I were single I would ask you to cum in the restroom with me.

Kelly: Oh, please.  

Keven walks to the restroom and closes the door. He pulls down his pants and sits on the seat. The seat is heated and a Television turns on when he sits down on the toilet. The water in the toilet bowl is heated…so when “pebble shit” splashes up from the bowl it  won’t freeze the users asshole.  

Keven: This feels so good, my ass feels like freshly baked cookies. It is feels so good to be at Kelly’s party I think I will do her…with my wife watching of course (pooooooooo). Oh, that was big one (pooooooooooooooossssssssssssppppppppssss)!! Damn, I am breaking wind tonight, it must be the food that I ate at the club this afternoon: Damn three hundred dollar salad and fish eggs. (POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) Oh, here comes the shit (Splash). Ahhhh! Damn that stinks, but I feel much better now. (sweating)

Mr. Stinky thing: Don’t spray! Please don’t spray! Please don’t flush! I want my essence to be exploited by the masses at the party. I want everyone to smell the goodness that I have to offer. The aroma of my beauty shall be loved by one and all.

Keven: Who said that?

Mr. Stinky thing: Hello, hero it is I Mr. Stinky thing. I am the most beautiful shit in the world. I am the most vain turd you will ever meet. I am so fucking beautiful.  You will never meet anyone like me…hero.

Keven gets up and looks into the toilet. He can’t believe his eyes it is talking piece of shit looking up at him.

Keven: I will flush you…don’t piss me off! Who made you? Damn I have to get off the happy stuff.

Mr Stinky thing:  You made me…Keven. You ate all that expensive food and dined at all those expensive restaurants with all of those people that you thought were your friends. You laughed at the workers at the restaurants you joked about them making minimum wage and you didn’t tip them knowing that they may have families at home. You and you “friends” flaunted your money and power all over town. I am a product of you! Oh, and you have a corncob living up your ass that is not as forgiving as I.

Mr. Flushy: No, you don’t Keven I don’t want you to flush that piece of shit down my system. It will clog me for sure, my system is already a mess because of the rich freaks that live here They are always shitting in me and barfing in me, and flushing all kinds of things down my system like pill bottles and love letters from their lovers. It drives me crazy…these people are damn addicts.

Keven: What am I supposed to do?

Mr. Stinky thing:  Leave me and my vanity to gloat on the simmering water of this toilet. I am so beautiful…see how the light shines on the piece of corn that is within me.

Keven: Everyone knows who used the bathroom last. They know it was me, and they will know who left the turd floating in the toilet. Then they will know that my shit stinks, and I crap.

Mr. Stinking thing: Yes, they will Keven. They will finally realize that you are human. They will finally see past all the money that cars that you own. You see Keven half of the people that you talk to are not your friends…they are in love with your money. You see Keven money is evil and it makes people do a lot of stupid things for it: money turns people into submissive assholes that will do anything to get it.

Mr. Flushy: You damn right it does. Keven, you are the real piece of shit, so why don’t you be a man and eat Mr. Stinky thing.

Mr. Stinky thing: What? You can’t do that! I have to live. I have to live.

Keven: I can’t eat my own shit. That would be unethical. It would make my breath deadly.

Mr. Flushy: Flushing Mr. Stinky thing  down my system would be unethical too.

Mr. Flushy: If you flush Mr. stinky thing down my system; I will throw up and the floor will flooded for sure.

Mr. Stinky Thing: I am afraid that he is right. I will make him throw up. It is all the over priced water chestnuts, fish eggs, tofu, and salads that you have been eating. Those foods have made me the asshole that I am. It is not bad to eat those foods, but it is the way that your flaunt that you can afford overpriced food that is marked up one hundred and ten percent.

Keven: I want to set an example for all those around me.

Mr. Flushy: All you do is look down at people, and let them know that you are better than them; you don’t set a postive example.

Keven: Fuck you…I am flushing!!! I can’t believe I am listening to a talking piece of shit and toilet.

Mr. Flushy: No….!

Mr. Stinky thing: No…!

Keven: Yes!

Keven flushes Mr. Flushy. The Toilet overflows on the bathroom floor and under the bathroom door running out in the hall. Mr. Stinky thing escapes and runs through the crowd of party goers…escaping out the front door. Keven is found out by all his friends that he takes craps and is baned from Kelly and her husbands house forever. Keven’s wife leaves him, and Mr. Flushy has the last laugh.


The Farting college women: Mandy Sings Country fart song…

5 12 2007


Mandy: Here is a sweet song about a bar encounter that went wrong.

Beth: Hell, yeah it went wrong…he was a real asshole.

Sandy: Come on you two let’s play the song.

Beth: OK, Sandy don’t get your panties in a wad. A one…a one…two…three…four!!!

Band Members:

Mandy Vocals.
Beth: Drums.
Sandy: Guitar.

Mandy Sings with a twang in her voice:

I knew it was love.
I knew it was love at first sight
when I saw him at the bar the other night.

He had on faded blue jeans with a big cowboy hat.
He wasn’t to big or too fat.
He looked like someone that I could love.

Love. Love. Love.
Emotional Love.
Love. Love. Love.
Emotional Love.
Love that only two can share.

He came over to me and asked me my name.
Then bought me a drink, and asked me if I wanted him.
I said no just leave me alone.

Then he threw a fit and asked me why not.
He said he needed love, the hardcore way.
He said he would wrap it up with a glove.

I said no, I don’t want your cock.
He got all emotional and stood with a stanch.
And then he asked me again… why not.

He said why are you leading me on this way.
And why are you at this bar if you don’t want to get laid.
You could get lucky today.

That was it.
That was all that I could take.
I knew I had to fart in his fuck ass face.

I pulled down my jeans
And my panties with lace.
I was showing everyone my ass all around the place.

He laughed at me.
Then chuckles came from here.
Then chuckles came from there.

I knew me and my rear would get the last laugh in here.
I motioned for him to come closer.
I motioned for him to smell my rear.

He put his nose deep in my crack.
That is when I blew a smelly one out of my ass.
Then he threw up all his beer and was driven to tears.

He ran out of the bar.
He got in his car.
And got the hell out of here.

 I finished my beer.
And covered my rear.
And I too got the hell out of here.

Sweet love….


The Farting College Women: I farted in his face song.

31 10 2007


Mandy: Hello, I am Mandy from the Farting College Women and we have put together a song/ poem. It is a heart warming song/ poem about farting in a man’s jerk ass face. Oh, and I hope that you like our show on Satire Society. Hey, “society is not what it seems”.

Sandy: You tell them Mandy.

Beth: Yeah, Mandy.

Mandy: You may think that I don’t like men, but you are wrong. I think Beth likes me.

Beth: Hey, I heard that…and yes I like her.  

 Mandy: I just don’t like men that are assholes, and men you know who you are, so just stop being assholes.

Mandy: Lyrics, harpsichord.
Beth: Drums.
Sandy: Guitar, lyrics.

Beth: Are you ready Mandy? Are you ready Sandy? Here we go: one, two, one, two, three, four.

Mandy sings: 

He told me that he loved me.
He told me that he was true.
But, all he did was make me blue. 

He tried to do me one night.
I said no, so he started a fight and tried to make me cry.
Then he told me he cheated on me with my best friend carrie-anne, that is when I knew I had to pass gas in his punk ass face.
I had gas building in my ass, and I had to let it go fast.

I farted in his face with so much grace.
His face, his face I farted in his face.
He told me that I had bad taste as I let it go without any disgrace.

He told me it tasted bad.
He asked me what I ate.
But, my fart had already sealed his fucking fate.
Then he gagged so irate and then he barfed up brunch just before lunch.

He ran away, because I made him pay.
His face, his face, I farted in his face.
I don’t feel bad for his ass, because I farted in his face.

He ran away, he couldn’t take the pain.
He told me that he was going away today.
Then I farted, I farted again in his fucking face.

My fart smelled like spoiled toast, my fart smell rotten eggs.
I farted, I farted in his face, and I didn’t hesitate.
I farted, I farted in his fucking face.

The joke is on him as he wiped the crap that came out of my ass from his smug ass face.
I farted, I farted in his face.
He will not bother me again today.

Mandy: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crowd: Claps and whistles.


The Farting College Women: Lust magic gone bad

30 10 2007


This is the Farting College Women that you all have been waiting for…Mandy finds love. But, will Beth’s jealousy and love for Mandy ruin Mandy’s chances at getting a man with a big dong…find out now!

Mandy: Hey, I have a date tonight. He is a dream I tell you, a passinate dream.

Beth: I thought you were done with sperm chuckers…Mandy. Don’t be weak, you don’t need a man to complete you. You have Sandy and me.

Mandy: This guy is a dream…he made me fall in love with sperm chuckers all over again. After he asked me out I wanted to take off all my clothes and give him all of me. I think he felt the same.

Beth: We will see how long this little love moment lasts. I have to go to class, and then work.

Sandy: Leave Mandy alone Beth. There is a time and a  place for true love and maybe she found it. Love is so much fun. It makes me feel all emotional inside.

Beth: Yeah, taking a dump makes me feel all emotional too, but the feeling doesn’t last it subsides. Once I pop off  a huge dump in the toilet and throw a few farts, I don’t feel intense anymore. I feel like getting on with my life.

Sandy: You always make love look dirty and cheap Beth. He might be good for Mandy.  

Beth: Yeah, all he probably wants to do is suck Mandy’s  tits and do her tight hairy pussy. Damn sperm chuckers…I am out of here.

Mandy: Bye…bye…Beth.

Sandy: See you later Beth. Don’t let the cranky bugs bite.

Beth: Fuck you Sandy, and fuck you too Mandy.

The door slams and Beth leaves for class and then work. Later on that evening Mandy is getting ready for her date.

Sandy: Hey, Mandy Beth isn’t home yet. I am getting worried. She is never late for Monday night movie night. I got a copy of Rich Freaks Farting in the wild. It is about rich freaks blowing nasty farts and ruining their reputations.

Mandy: Maybe she got tied up in traffic, or maybe she wants us to feel sorry for her and go looking for her. She has done this before…don’t you remember?

Sandy: Yeah, you are right. She has done this before. She will show up, but she seems to always show up around the time that we go on our dates. Well, I haven’t been on a date for sometime.

Mandy: She is not going to ruin my chances with Edwin. I have a feeling he has a big dong, and I want it and nothing is going to stop me!

The phone rings it is Beth.

Sandy: Hello, Beth. Where are you? You got stuck in traffic. I am not going to make Mandy and Edwin wait for you. Mandy is a twenty-five year old women. Bye…Beth. I am hanging up.

Sandy: That was Beth and she wants you to wait until she gets home to go out with Edwin.

Mandy: She is crazy he will be here any minute.

Ding-Dong the door bell rings it is Edwin. Mandy opens the door and lets him in, he is charming. But, Sandy doesn’t totally trust him, there is something wrong with him. She can’t put her finger on it yet.

Edwin: Hello Mandy are you ready to go out?

Edwin sprays on the breath fresher.

Mandy: I will be ready in a few minutes.

Edwin: OK, but don’t take too long. I have plans for us tonight.

Sandy: What kind of plans?

Edwin: They don’t concern you…Sandy.

Sandy: OK…will guess I will go in the other room.

Edwin: You go do that.

Mandy walks out of her room joining Edwin in the living room.

Mandy: Where is Sandy? She usually loves talking to my dates.

Edwin: She went in the other room. I think she had to use the can or something.

Mandy: That is weird. Well, are you ready to go?

Edwin: Yes, I am ready for love.

Mandy: OK…let me get my jacket.

They walk to Edwin’s car she opens her own door. Mandy gets in and they go toward Edwin’s house.  

Edwin: I thought that we would go to my house. I am not up for “dinner” and a “movie”.

Mandy: OK…whatever you want to do.

Edwin: Would you marry me. I need love so bad.

Mandy: Marriage is not in the picture right now. I can’t marry you. I don’t even know you.

Edwin: Why not? I need love. (crying)

Mandy: Are you stoned or just a moron?

Edwin:I can guarantee you I am  not stoned.

Mandy: Well, that leaves the other part of the question. You probably have a profile on one of those sadistic dating sites that pride themselves on saying that everyone  has been background checked. Well, they missed you, or you lied about your sanity.

Edwin: Whatever?

They drive to Edwin’s house. They walk in his front door. Meanwhile back at the apartment Beth is going crazy.

Beth: Have they left yet?

Sandy: They have been gone for fifteen minutes.

Beth: Why did you let them go?

Sandy: He seems like a freak…Beth.

Beth: Mandy has poor taste in men. That is why I wanted you to wait for me. Damn you Sandy!

Sandy: Sorry, but I have to agree with you that guy is a jerk and a psycho. He told me to go in the other room…can you believe that shit?

Beth: What was his name?

Sandy: Edwin, or so he said.

Beth: That guy is a known poor-me-love-sucker.  He takes all the love out of someone and then replaces it with sadness, depression, guilt and pain. He makes a woman feel sorry for him, he might even cry a few tears. Then he gets women to feel sorry for him and then gets them to have sex with him.  We need to get Mandy away from him, before it is too late.

Sandy: What do we do? I don’t know where she went.

Beth: Don’t worry she is in my love triangle on my cell phone. We can track her phone via GPS. Let’s hope she didn’t forget her phone. But, I am sure that they went to his place poor-me-love-suckers don’t like to do anything else but screw on the first date.

Meanwhile at Edwin’s place of doom. Mandy and Edwin are getting comfortable. He is dishing out one of his poor me stories, and has Mandy felling sorry for him. She is all emotional. Will, Beth and Sandy get there in time…lets find out.

Edwin: When I was young my mom didn’t buy me a toy (crying) that I wanted. She told me that she didn’t want me to have that toy. I cried. That hurt me and that has followed me all my life. I am so emotionally hurt by it.

Mandy: You must be hurt. Come here and let me huge you.

Mandy hugs him, but he doesn’t feel right.

Edwin: Can you take off your clothes…please I don’t want to be alone tonight.

Mandy thinks about taking her clothes off. Then she realizes that he might be a poor-me-love-sucker. Meanwhile in Beth’s car. Beth and Sandy find Mandy’s cell phone via GPS using Beth’s where the hell are you option on her phone.

Beth: I have her phone she is the purple dot on the map. It looks like she is on butt street down by the waste management plant. I am sure glad that I got the where the hell are you option on my phone.  Step on the gas you crazy freak.

Sandy: I am driving as fast as I can. I am going to get a ticket. I have already got two tickets this year.

Beth: Come on bitch…take one for the home team.

Meanwhile at Edwin’s love cage. Mandy slowly slides off her clothes as Edwin watches. He slowly takes off his clothes as well. He is using his lust magic on her. But, there is something wrong as he takes off his white underwear. It is so small. She can’t believe it. She now knows that she was wrong about him.

Edwin: You have a beautiful body, but you sure have a lot of pussy hair. I love your nice big breasts and ass. I want to lick you.

Mandy: I quit shaving last month. It takes too much time, besides too many people do it to look “sexy” and be accepted by society. I am tired of conforming to what society does.

Edwin: I want you to shave. You march into that bathroom and do it this instant.

Mandy: No. I refuse, and it is time for me to go. I am going to put my clothes back on.

Edwin: No, I didn’t mean it. Please, I beg of you don’t leave me. (crying) I need love. I want love. I have to have love. (crying). Here let me take my clothes off.

Mandy: You really are fucked up. I am out of here.

Edwin: I am all naked. Do you like what you see?

Mandy: I see that you have shaved your balls but not much else. Your little reproductive stick is a tad bet small for me. You should go join the adult circus. You know the circus for adults only.

Edwin: The circus? What do you mean by that?

Mandy: For having the smallest reproductive stick…you should be in the freak show.

Mandy goes to put her clothes on Edwin stops her.

Edwin: Oh, no you don’t. You have your clothes off and now you are going to give me some loving. I need to be loved.

Mandy: OK, well we are going to do this my way.

Edwin: We are going to do it my way or you can take the highway.

Mandy: OK, I am out of here… the highway sounds good.

Edwin: I didn’t mean that. We got off on a bad note. Here let me kiss you.

Edwin kisses Mandy and they start kissing more.  He dreams of doing Mandy all night long. Then the front door flies open and Beth and Sandy come inside to stop Edwin’s evil plan.

Edwin: My love tool is ready for you.

Mandy: OK…I don’t know why you even bother to get it up.

Edwin: I am going to do you slowly.

Mandy: Whatever…you have nothing that I want, besides that little thing you have has premature ejaculation written all over it.

Edwin: Stop ruining the moment. This is very romantic. I took you home and told you sweet nothings and wooed you all night long…if you know what I mean.  

Mandy: No, this is as romantic as loving a wall.

Edwin: It is going to feel so good to me. I am going to give you some of my “lust” magic. (he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he)

Beth swings open Edwin’s front door.

Edwin: Who are you?

Beth: I am not your friend if that is what you think.

Mandy: Thanks Beth. I thought I was a goner.

Beth instantly takes off all her clothes and farts in the Edwin’s face. The gas is so bad that Edwin’s eyes burn and then he barfs up his cookies. Sandy is filming all the action.

Beth: You will not have my friend tonight…or spread your lust magic on her.

Edwin: I think you are wrong. I will have it all. What are you doing?

Beth: I am going to strip off all my clothes and fart in your face.

Edwin: You wouldn’t dare. I am man!!

Beth:It is a good thing you are one the bed. It makes it much easier for me to spread my cheeks and blow a big one in your face pretty face.

Beth sits on Edwin’s face and blows a huge nasty fart in his face.

I am going to sit on your face. You are going to love this…ass munch.

Edwin: No, please…don’t fart in my face. I have heard about you…you are the farting college women.

Beth: Yes, you are so smart. Here it goes…this is not my first time. (poooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..asasasdasdadadad!)

Edwin:It burns…it burns…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I am going to throw up! Oh…BARF)))))

Beth: Did you get that on film…Sandy.

Sandy: Sure did…Beth.

Beth: Come on Mandy let’s get you home.

Mandy: With pleasure…bye…Edwin.

Edwin:What did you eat…Beth. I am going to BARF))))). You haven’t seen the last of me Farting College Women.  I will have my gas mask on next time…you hear!  BARF))))))

The three slam the door and drive away leaving Edwin in his barf.

Mandy: That bastard needs counselling.

Sandy: Tell me about it. What a jerk.

Beth: Let’s watch a movie and forget him. You are safe now Mandy.  What did you get for us to watch tonight…Sandy?

Sandy: I got Rich People Farting in the Wild. It is a tape of rich people farting in public and ruining their reputation…thus proving that their shit stinks.

Mandy: That sounds good. I will by the pizza.

Sandy: OK.

Beth: OK

The three get home and have a great movie night.